I cant get the postman to call.

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

A man’s wife disappears and he’s accused of killing her. At the trial, his lawyer tells the jury, “Ladies and gentlemen, I have amazing news. Not only is my client’s wife actually alive, but she’ll walk through that door in ten seconds."
An expectant silence settles over the courtroom, but nothing happens.
“Think about that,” the lawyer says. “The fact that you were watching the door, expecting to see the missing woman, proves that you have a reasonable doubt as to whether a murder was actually committed.”
He sits down confidently, and the judge sends the jury off to deliberate. They return in ten minutes and declare the man guilty.
“Guilty?” says the lawyer. “How can that be? You were all watching the door!”
“Most of us were watching the door,” says the foreman. “But one of us was watching the defendant, and he wasn’t watching the door.”

[tommy.irene]

Dear Mom, 

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened. Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.

Did you know that if you put petrol on a fire, the petrol will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes.
Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. 

Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster.
He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo. 

Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

[tommy.irene]

woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?"
"Twenty-six," he said.

[tommy.irene]

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

[tommy.irene]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!
Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

[tommy.irene]

A head-on collision occurred between a man and a woman. Both emerged from the scene intact while their cars were totally demolished. The woman said, "This is quite a predicament. We should drink a toast to celebrate this miracle." The man replied, "What a great idea; I just happen to have a bottle with me." With this he handed it to the man. The man downed half the bottle and handed it back. The woman would not take it back and said, "I think I will wait until after the police arrive to celebrate.

[tommy.irene]

One day an employee came in to work with both of his ears bandaged.
When his boss asked him what happened, he explained:

"Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang
and I accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone!"

"Well," the boss said, "that explains one ear, but what
about the other?" "They called back!"

[tommy.irene]

UTV Northern Ireland shared a link.

Broadcaster 'mistakes paper for iPad'

www.u.tv

A news presenter has had to stoically carry on with a television report, despite leaving viewers baffled by the packet of photocopier paper he was clutching - having mistaken it for an iPad.

[tommy.irene]

A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'

'Of course child. What can I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electric hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm 
Afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

[tommy.irene]

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.

He replied, "She called Five Horses".


The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife. 

What does it mean?"


The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian name. It mean........







. . . NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"

[tommy.irene]

Parvinder and Habib 
are beggars from Pakistan. They beg in different areas of London. 


Parvinder begs just as long as Habib but only collects £2 
to £3 every day. 

Habib brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 
notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and 
has a lot of money to spend. 

Parvinder says to Habib 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do 
you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?' 

Habib says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'? 

Parvinder's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'. 


Habib says 'No wonder you only get £2- £3’ Parvinder'



Parvinder says.. 'So what does your sign say'? 



Habib shows Parvinder his sign.... 

It reads, 'I only need another £10 to move 
back to Pakistan '!

__________________

[tommy.irene]

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

[tommy.irene]

I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become kinder to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant. 

I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60 &70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love ... I will.


I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set.

They, too, will get old.
I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.


I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face.
So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver. 


As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore.
I've even earned the right to be wrong.

So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever,
but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day(if I feel like it). 

[tommy.irene]

For those of us who are old enough to know about oestrogen issues and you young ladies who have this to look forward to. J
Pregnancy, Oestrogen, and Women 

PREGNANCY Q & A & more! 

Q: Should I have a baby after 35? 
A: No, 35 children is enough. 

Q : I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? 
A: With any luck, right after he finishes university. 

Q : What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? 
A: Childbirth. 

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. 
A: So what's your question? 

Q : My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a cyclone might be called an air current. 

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural? 
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant. 

Q : Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour? 
A: Not unless the word 'child support payment' means anything to you. 

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? 
A: Yes, pregnancy. 

Q : Do I have to have a baby shower? 
A: Not if you change the baby's nappy very quickly 

Q : Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? 
A: When the kids are in university. 

'OESTROGEN ISSUES' 

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE 'OESTROGEN ISSUES' 

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem. 
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette. 
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans. 
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say. 
5. You 're using your mobile phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: 'How's my driving-call 0800-'. 
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice. 
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from 'outer space.' 
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.. 
10. The Nurofen Plus box is empty and you bought it yesterday. 

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND 
10. Cats' facial expressions. 
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors. 
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds. 
7. Fat clothes. 
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time. 
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell. 
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow. 
3. Eyelash curlers. 
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made. 

AND, the Number One thing only women understand: 

OTHER WOMEN

[tommy.irene]

A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That's a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl…"

[tommy.irene]

The Doctor, asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a good many TV, adds, just to make conversation. Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?”
“A box of Tampax,” he replied without hesitation.
“Tampax?” said the doctor. “What would you do with that?”
“Well,” said Johnny, “I do not know exactly, but it’s sure worth two dollars.
With tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to.”

[tommy.irene]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's
okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny
porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and
disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called
Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he
wants to use this as collateral."She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in
the world is this?"



The bank manager looks back at her and says.
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan,
His old man's a Rolling Stone."



I bet you just sang that!
the old ones are the best.

[tommy.irene]

At a divorce court a family of bears is waiting for the judge to grant custody of little bear.
The judge asks the baby bear; “do you want to live with papa bear?” The baby bear replied; "No he beats me. " The judge asked, so do you want to live with mommy bear! The baby bear said, "No she beats me too." The judge asked, "Then whom do you want to live with?" The baby bear says, "The Chicago bears, they don't beat anyone!"

[tommy.irene]

A woman is a complicated creature. Before marriage, she expects a man, after marriage she suspects him, and after death she respects him.

[tommy.irene]

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating straight away.

“Johnny, wait until we've said our prayer,” his mother reminded him.

“I don’t have to.” – the little boy replied.

“Of course you do.” – his mother insisted. “We say a prayer before eating at our house.”

“That’s at our house,” Johnny explained, “but this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook.”