I cant get the postman to call.

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

A bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him, "Do you want the winner of the next race?" Paddy replies "no tanks, oi've only got a small garden."

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

I was standing in a bar and this little Chinese guy comes in the pub, stands next to me and starts drinking. I said to him "Do you know any of those martial arts things like kung-fu karate or ju-jitsu?" He says, "No why you ask me dat? Is it coz I Chinese?" "No" I said, "it's
because you're drinking my pint ."

[tommy.irene]

A woman on her way home from market was carrying a duck. A drunk staggered up to her and said ,"Hey! where'd ja get the pig?" The woman replied," You drunken fool, that's no pig -- it's a duck!" And the drunk said," Quiet, I was talking to the duck.

[tommy.irene]

A teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his 1 to 10 well
"Yes! Of course! My pop taught me...even more than 10"
"Good. What comes after three?”
"Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your erm...dad did a good job. Now...so what comes after...lets say ten?"
"A jack"

[tommy.irene]

   Married couples, both 60 years old, were celebrating their 35th anniversary. During their party, ...

[stryver-1]

I've just got a new neighbour he's a Geordie. Seems a nice, intelligent guy.

I said to him "I feel privileged having a Geordie neighbour."

He said "why aye man, I'm the privileged one, I don't have any Geordie neighbours!"

[tommy.irene]

One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy shop, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon. He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.

"Could you taste this for me, please?"

The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.

"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.

"No, not at all," says the chemist.

"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar.

[tommy.irene]

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the
hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death
experience. Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you
have another 43 years, two months and eight days to live." Upon
recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift,
liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, she
figured she might as well look even nicer. After her last operation, she
was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way
home, an ambulance killed her. Arriving in front of God, she demanded,
"I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of
the path of that ambulance?" God replied, "Girl, I didn't recognize you”

[tommy.irene]

The Queen leans towards Mr Cameron and says, "Do you know, that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this great day and rejoice!"
Cameron arrogantly replies, "I seriously doubt that Ma'am , with one little wave of your hand you could do all that? Show me!"
So the Queen, with one swift wave, smacked him in the mouth!!!!
(I love stories with a happy ending!!!

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

A man lying on his deathbed called to him, his lawyer, his doctor, and his pastor. "I am going to die tonight," and I want to prove that when you go to heaven you can take it all with you. So to my three most trusted friends, you three of course, I am leaving 50,000 dollars in these envelopes. When I die you must come to my funeral and put the envelopes in my coffin with me." The man handed the three men identical envelopes.
A day later they each received news that, that night the old man had died . So each knew they must go to his funeral and fulfill his death wish.
Standing over the coffin one week later the pastor confessed, " I can't hide what I've done. I took 10,000 dollars from the envelope because the church needed to be painted."
Then as he did so the doctor also started to fidget then finally confessed “I took 30,000 dollars from my envelope because the hospital needed a new wing."
Ten the lawyer said plainly “You bunch of crooks! I wrote him a check for the full amount!"

[tommy.irene]

An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then-four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. Be still, my heart, thought my friend, gee, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps and be a doctor! Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"

[tommy.irene]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. 

Q: Are you sexually active? 
A: No, I just lie there. 

Q: What is your date of birth? 
A: July 15th. 
Q: What year? 
A: Every year. 

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? 
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. 

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? 
A: Yes. 
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? 
A: I forget. 
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? 

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you? 
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. 
Q: How long has he lived with you? 
A: Forty-five years. 

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning? 
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" 
Q: And why did that upset you? 
A: My name is Susan. 

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult? 
A: We both do. 
Q: Voodoo? 
A: We do. 
Q: You do? 
A: Yes, voodoo. 

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? 
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam? 
___________________________________ 
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? 
_____________________________________ 
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? 
______________________________________ 
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? 
A: Yes. 
Q: And what were you doing at that time? 
_____________________________________ 
Q: She had three children, right? 
A: Yes. 
Q: How many were boys? 
A: None. 
Q: Were there any girls? 
______________________________________ 
Q: How was your first marriage terminated? 
A: By death. 
Q: And by whose death was it terminated? 
______________________________________ 
Q: Can you describe the individual? 
A: He was about medium height and had a beard. 
Q: Was this a male, or a female? 
______________________________________ 
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? 
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. 
______________________________________ 
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? 
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. 
______________________________________ 
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? 
A: Oral. 
______________________________________ 
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? 
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. 
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? 
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. 
______________________________________ 
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? 
______________________________________ 
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? 
A: No. 
Q: Did you check for blood pressure? 
A: No. 
Q: Did you check for breathing? 
A: No. 
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? 
A: No. 
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? 
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. 
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? 
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere

[tommy.irene]

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.

"Sorry,we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

"Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new colour, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."

Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

"Because that's a microwave," he replied.

[tommy.irene]

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "

You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

[tommy.irene]

A man is being interviewed for a job. “What are your qualifications for the job of night watchman?” “The slightest noise wakes me up.”

[tommy.irene]

I had a knock at my door earlier, it was a policeman...

"Mr Swiffen?"

"Yes," I replied.

"I'm afraid your dog has just been reported to have chased someone on a bike."

I said, "That's wrong- my dog doesn't have a bike!"

[tommy.irene]

"How was your game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy. 
"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered. 
"But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?" 
"But he's 85 and doesn't play golf anymore," protested Jack. 
"But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you," Tracy pointed out. 
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack. 
"Yup," Scott answered. 
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance. 
"I forgot."