I cant get the postman to call.

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

A Little Irish humour,,

So this is for the benifit of all my friends who are confused or alarmed by the recent images being broadcast around the world, given that we are now 15 years into the peace process..

The capital of Ireland is Dublin . It has a population of a million people, a...ll of whom will be shopping in Newry this afternoon. They travel to Newry because it is in the North, which is not part of Ireland, but still pay in Euros.

Under the Irish constitution, the North used to be in Ireland , but a successful 30-year campaign of violence for Irish unity ensured that it is now definitely in the UK. Had the campaign lasted any longer the North might now be in France.

Belfast is the capital of Northern Ireland . It has a population of half a million, half of whom own houses in Donegal. Donegal is in the north but not in the North. It is in the South. No, not the south, the South.

There are two parliaments in Ireland . The Dublin parliament is called the Dáil, (pronounced "Doyle"), an Irish word meaning a place where banks receive taxpayers' money. The one in Belfast is called Stormont, an Anglo-Saxon word meaning 'placebo', or deliberately ineffective drug.

Their respective jurisdictions are defined by the border, an imaginary line on the map to show fuel launderers where to dump their chemical waste and bi-products. Protestants are in favour of the border, which generates millions of pounds in smuggling for Catholics, who are totally opposed to it. Travel between the two states is complicated because Ireland is the only country in the world with two M1 motorways. The one in the North goes west to avoid the south and the one in the South goes north to avoid the price of drink!

We have two types of democracy in Ireland . Dublin democracy works by holding a referendum and then allowing the government to judge the result. If the government thinks the result is wrong, the referendum is held again. Twice in recent years the government decided the people's choice was wrong and ordered a new referendum. Belfast democracy works differently. It has a parliament with no opposition, so the government is always right. This system generates envy in many world capitals, especially Dublin .

Ireland has three economies - northern, southern and black. Only the black economy is in the black. The other two are in the red.

All versions of the IRA claim to be the real IRA but only one of them is the Real IRA. The North's biggest industry is the production of IRAs. Consequently, we now have the Provisional, Continuity and Real IRA. The Real IRA is by far the most popular among young graffiti writers simply because it is the easiest to spell.

I trust this clarifies things and has answered many previously unanswered questions for you..

[tommy.irene]

A man came home from work and found his 5 children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn around garden,... The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and no sign of the dog, walking in the door, he found ...an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, the throw rug was against one wall, In the front room the TV was on loudly with the cartoon channel, the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel... She looked up at him, smiled and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?' She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world do I do all day?...
''Yes," was his incredulous reply..
She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it.

[tommy.irene]

An older, white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young woman at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, “No, I’d like to see something more special.”
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought out another ring.
“Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000″ the jeweler said.
The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
... The old man, seeing this, said, “We’ll take it.”
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man said, “By check, but I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds. I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.” he said.
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. “There’s no money in that account.”
“I know,” said the old man, “But let me tell you about my weekend!!See more

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

An idiot decided to start a chicken farm, so he bought a hundred chickens to start. A month later, he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the first lot had died. A month later he was back at the dealers for another hundred chickens for the second lot had also died. "But I think I know where I'm going wrong," said the idiot. "I think I am planting them too deep."

[tommy.irene]

[stryver-1]

With her huge eyes and pure white  face, you’d have thought the biggest problem posed by Snowball was being just too cute.

The postmen of Peterborough, however, disagree – and are refusing to deliver letters to her home because they say the three-year-old cat is a health and safety risk.

Royal Mail claims Snowball has attacked three postmen in recent months, leaving one with ‘quite deep’ cuts to a finger. It has now suspended services because of the ‘unacceptably high’ level of risk.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2124965/Snowball-cats-attacks-halt-Royal-Mail-deliveries-own...

[tommy.irene]

You could never hold the Grand Prix in Ireland. As soon as the flag goes down, there'd be a riot.

[tommy.irene]

You've got to love the Irish Mammy!

Young Paddy invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal his mother couldn't help but notice how lovely Paddy's flat mate, Joanne, was.

She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two,
and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact,
she started to wonder if there was more between young Paddy and his flat mate than met the eye.

Reading his mum's thoughts, Young Paddy volunteered,
'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,
Joanne & I are just flat mates'.

About a week later, Joanne came to young Paddy saying,
'Ever since your mother came to dinner,
I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you??

'Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure' said Paddy.



So he sat down and wrote



DEAR MOTHER,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID' TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE.
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID NOT' TAKE THE FRYING PAN
BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING
EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.?

LOVE PADDY



Several days later, Paddy received an email from his mother which read



DEAR SON,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO' SLEEP WITH JOANNE,
AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO NOT' SLEEP WITH JOANNE,
BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF SHE WAS SLEEPING IN HER OWN BED, SHE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW!

LOVE MAM.

[merehazle]

I can .....

😉 ........:-D

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

[renomarvinm]

I must confess!  Every time I see the title to this thread, I think of the many, many housewife and postman jokes I've heard over the years...  You know them all!  Most of them are scandalous!!!  (But fun!)

[tommy.irene]

You Know you are Addicted to the Internet When...
· You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved, and you don't have a clue when it happened.
· Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
· All of your friends have an @ in their names.
· Your dog has its own home page.
· You can't call your mother... she doesn't have a modem.
· You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
· You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
· You get a new suit that says, "This best viewed with Netscape 4.01 or higher."
· The last girl you asked out was only a jpeg.
· Your wife says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.

[tommy.irene]

Judge: Haven’t I seen you before?
Man: Yes, Your Honor. I taught your daughter how to play the drums.
Judge: Twenty years!

[tommy.irene]

Rugby in Heaven

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.  When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we played rugby on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's rugby there."

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed, "Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you." Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike -- Mike."

"Who is it?" asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" "Mike--it's me, Joe."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."

"Joe! Where are you?"

"In heaven," replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.

"The good news," Joe says, "is that there IS rugby in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better even than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And, best of all, we can play rugby all we want, and we never get tired."

"That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams!

So what's the bad news?"

"You're in the team for this Saturday

[renomarvinm]

Tommy Irene!  That post 217 of yours is the most beautiful thing I have read in literally years!!!  You were playing for us all.  Thank you!!!

[tommy.irene]

A man goes into confessional, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned".
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
"I had sexual relations with my girlfriend"
"And how did you sin my son?"
"Well she was stretching up to the top shelf for a tin of baked beans, I was overcome with lust and we sinned"
"That's not too bad". says the priest
"Will I be banned from the church Father?"
The priest smiled and said "No my son, why do you ask ?"
"Well they banned us from Tescos".

[tommy.irene]

 Two roofers, Larry and Joe were on the roof laying tile, when a sudden win gust came and knocked down their ladder. “I have an idea” said Larry. “We’ll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder.” What, do you thing, I’m stupid? “I have and idea” said Joe. “I’ll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light.” What, do you think I’m stupid? “You’ll just turn off the flashlight when I’m halfway there.

[tommy.irene]

A couple celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary. When they were asked what their secret was to a long lasting marriage they said:
"We take the time to go out to a restaurant two times a week. A candlelight dinner, soft music and a slow walk home. She goes on Tuesdays, and I go on Fridays."