I cant get the postman to call.

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

A very well-known international furniture and interior decoration D.I.Y. Store recently set up a customer assistance department. The first call they got was from a lady who had purchased a wardrobe early in the morning. She explained that after assembly the wardrobe had crumbled three times when the public transport bus passed in front of her house. The store sent a technician over to her place. He reassembled the wardrobe - which was in the night hall on the second floor - and then went into it to observe what would happen when the bus, which was due a few minutes later, went by. The phone rang just then and the lady went downstairs to take the call. Just then her husband came home from work with a terrible flue condition. Hearing his wife on the phone he trudged upstairs where he found the wardrobe; on opening one of the doors and seeing the man inside he exclaimed "What the dickens are you doing in there!?!" To which the guy replied "I know you'll never believe this, but I'm waiting for the bus!!"

[tommy.irene]

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any
kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago
given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual
purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was
actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when
Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school.
Tommy was over 2 hours late..

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late
getting home?" asked John.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an
extra credit project," said Tommy.
The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy,
knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie
detector, now tell us where you really were after
school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a
movie." said Tommy..
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped
him, knocking him off his chair.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and
said, “I am sorry I lied.. We really watched a tape called
“Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John.. "When
I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack
that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and
said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be
too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"
The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out
of her chair…

[tommy.irene]

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. 

As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away. 

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. 
HOWEVER, Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, so she decided not to wait.... and walked back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient! 

Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car. 
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Protestants watched from across the street. 
One of them turned to the other and said,
'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.' 

[not_an_eloi]

test

[tommy.irene]

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense , who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

- Knowing when to come in out of the rain; - Why the early bird gets the worm; - Life isn't always fair; - And maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, -by his parents, Truth and Trust, -by his wife, Discretion, -by his daughter, Responsibility, -and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 5 stepbrothers; - I Know My Rights - I Want It Now - Someone Else Is To Blame - I'm A Victim - Pay me for Doing Nothing

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone!

[jimbo1lee]

Aint that the truth,

R.I.P. common sense.   😞

[tommy.irene]

Young Paddy moved to Kent and bought a Donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, "Sorry Paddy, but I have some bad news, the donkey died." 

Paddy replied, "Well, then just give me my money back." The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already." Paddy said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey." 

The farmer asked, "What are you going do with him?" P addy said, "I'm going to raffle him off." 

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" Paddy said, "Sure I can. Watch me ... I just won't tell anybody he's dead." 

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'what happened with that dead donkey?" 

Paddy said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two quid a piece and made a profit of £898." 

The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?" Paddy said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two quid back.

[tommy.irene]

An elderly couple were driving through County Kerry, Ireland. Irene was driving when she got pulled over by the Gardai, who asks her, 'Ma'am did you know that you were speeding?' 

Irene turns to her husband, Mick and enquires, 'What did he say?' 

Mick yells out, 'He says you were speeding!' 
The Garda said, 'May I see your license, please ma'am?' 

Irene, once again, turns to Mick and says, 'What did he say?' 

Once more, Mick, shouts out, 'He wants to see your license!' 

Irene gives the policeman her driving license. 

The Garda retorts, 'I see you are from Kerry. I spent some time there once and had the worst date I have ever had.' 

For the final time, Irene turns to Mick and asks, 'What did he say?' 

Mick yells very loudly, 'He thinks he knows you!'

[tommy.irene]

The Board closes in the morning ..so see you all in a months time..

[tommy.irene]

1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked. 

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had. 

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family....unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost. 

*** Remember.... They walk among us!!! They reproduce!!!***

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

Good to be back..

[tommy.irene]

Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you first left. Your father read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address 'cause the last family here took the numbers with them for their next house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in, pulled the chain, and I haven't seen 'em since. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the heavy buttons, so we cut 'em off and put them in the pockets. 

Your father has a new job with several hundred people under him. He cuts the lawn at the cemetery.

About your sister - she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it's a girl or a boy, so I don't know if you are an Aunt or and Uncle.

We got a bill from the funeral home, said if we didn't make the last payment on Grandma's funeral, up she comes. Your Uncle Joe fell in the whisky vat yesterday - some men tried to pull him out but he fought 'em all off and finally drowned. We cremated him right after and he's still burning good this morning.

The neighbors next door have started to keep pigs. We just got wind of it this morning.

Your father took me to the doctor's the other day. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to open it for ten minutes. Your father tried to buy it from him.

It only rained twice last week. Once for three days, then for four days. It was so windy that one of our chickens laid the same egg four times.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pick-up truck, one was driving, two in the back. The driver rolled the window down and swam out. The two in the back couldn't get the tail-gate open so they drowned too. Not much news this time, nothing much happens round here, will try to write more next time.

Love, Your Mama

P.S. Was going to send you money, but the envelope was already sealed.

[tommy.irene]

A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same: "You can have mine."

[tommy.irene]

An Antartian boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."

[tommy.irene]

Joined: Mar 2011 Location: Playa del ingles...Gran Canaria.. Posts: 1,387

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction! A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?" "No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?" He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license." The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smartass when he's drunk and stoned." The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!" At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

[tommy.irene]

After a long night of making love, 
The guy notices a photo of another man, 
On the woman's table by the bed.
He begins to worry. 
"Is this your husband?" 
He nervously asks.

"No, silly," 
She replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" 
He continues. 
"No, not at all," 
She says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" 
He inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no! Oh....You are SO sexy when you're jealous!"
She teases.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" 
He demands!!!!

She whispers in his ear 
"That's me before the surgery."

[tommy.irene]

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare & walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition.' Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she pressed into the young man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, "Clean my house."

[tommy.irene]

A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, "I love you."
The husband says, "Is that you or the wine talking?"
The wife replies, "It's me, talking to the wine."

[tommy.irene]

Yorkshire guy is travelling around the Greek Islands.

He walks into a bar and by chance is served by a Yorkshire barmaid. As she takes his order of a pint of Tetley Bitter, she notices his accent.

Over the course of the evening, they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place. Although she is attracted to him, she says no. He then offers to pay her £200 to sleep with him.

As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees. The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Tetley's and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for £200.

She remembers the payout from the night before and is only too happy to agree. This goes on for 5 nights, on the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Tetley's but goes and sits in the corner.

The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he's from in Yorkshire.

'Leeds' he tells her. 'So am I, what suburb?' She enquires 'Headingley' he replies 'That's amazing' she says excitedly, 'so am I - what street?' 'Boycott Street ' he replies 'That is unbelievable.......' She says, her voice quivering. 'What number?' 'Number 20' he replies She is totally astonished . 'You are not going to believe this she screams, but I'm from number 22, my parents still live there.'

'I know..' he says, 'Your Dad gave me £1,000 to give to you.'