Utility boss threatens ‘eternal darkness’ if energy prices frozen

[joe_bloggs*]

Centrica, the company that delivers most of the UK’s gas, electricity and water and, from next year, most of its air too, has warned that there is likely to be a period of ‘eternal darkness’, if Labour’s newly announced plans to freeze the cost of fuel go ahead.

This would include a never ending period of pestilence, disease, war destruction and death, plus a knock-on increase in house and car insurance costs.

‘What Labour doesn’t seem to realise is that we are facing an increasing level of costs,’ said Centrica CEO Mike Smythe. ‘Our shareholders continue to demand greater profits, increased levels of luxury foods, cars and houses and attractive professional partners from Latvia. All this comes at a cost. To you, obviously.’

Unless Centrica is awarded contracts for the supply of air under guaranteed wholesale prices to the whole UK, Smythe warned, oxygen supplies could also be under threat, with the elderly and ill most at risk. He also hit out at people hoarding air ahead of Centrica’s planned stock market flotation.

‘People who have stockpiled air in li-los, bicycle tyres, party balloons and inflatable women are acting irresponsibly,’ Smythe said. ‘It would be better if they just breathe slightly more deeply till a market-based ‘fair air’ price can be agreed.’

Centrica’s stance has won support from Satan, Prince of Darkness, who warned that an energy price freeze could also cause fuel shortages that would turn the abode of eternal suffering into a ski resort. The Evil One, who is a Tory and on the board of several energy companies, denied any conflict of interest and dismissed allegations of scaremongering.

http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2013/09/26/utility-boss-threatens-eternal-darkness-if-energy-prices-froze...

[chips-and-brown-gravy]

People seems to have forgotten a large part  (20%) of the increases in energy bills has been down to the 'green tax' that was brought in by the last Labour government.

It looks like there will be further steep rises too.

[renomarvinm]

THIS IS GREAT!!!!   I claim MOVIE RIGHTS!!!  This plot is GUARANTEED (sorry about the shouting) to be a Box Office BLOCKBUSTER FILM!!! (Sorry again about the shouting!!  It's a hollywood thing, you know.)

I can see it now, vampires circling in the air, warewolves prancing in the parks, drool, violence, havoc.  Lordy!  Who wrote this, anyway?  I've GOT to get him signed to a contract!!!!!!!!

This could be the biggest thing since Toxic Avenger!!!

[Anonymous]

Sorry reonmarvinm we dont need another film about blood sucking vampires, bone crunching werewolves or anything about the walking dead, they already exist and 600+ of them have taken shelter in our house of commons, and those who are the walking dead have taken shelter in our house of lords.

[merehazle]

 Well Petes right.

 This is purely a political stunt to attract the stupid vindictive to vote for him. If he was really serious about cheaper energy, and the country's energy security, he would support nuclear and fracking in the UK. This shows he is willing to trash the UK to bring up his socialist paradise and he should be shunned at the polling stations.   

Decades of government bungled energy policy has led us to where we stand.  Is more government really the answer? Do you honestly believe that most of the lot that Pete has mentioned have ever looked at a power bill?

The energy companies first reaction is pure blackmail, let us charge what we want or the lights go out!!! 

[Anonymous]

Hi Merehazle, i agree it is pure vindictive blackmail by the power companies. imho we should pay them with dummies (pacifiers) since they like spitting them out.