JOKES

[tommy.irene]

LETS START 2014 OF WITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

[john.b74]

My mum used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread butter on bread on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.
Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not in ice pack coolers, but I can't remember getting e. Coli Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake or at the beach instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.
We all took PE ..... And risked permanent injury with a pair of Dunlop sandshoes instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors that cost as much as a small car. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.
We got the cane for doing something wrong at school, they used to call it discipline yet we all grew up to accept the rules and to honour & respect those older than us. We had 50 kids in our class and we all learned to read and write, do maths and spell almost all the words needed to write a grammatically correct letter.......,
FUNNY THAT!!
We all said prayers in school irrespective of our religion, sang the national anthem and no one got upset.
Staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention we wish we hadn’t got.
I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself. I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations. We weren't!!
Oh yeah ... And where was the antibiotics and sterilisation kit when I got that bee sting? Could I have been killed!
We played “King of the Hill” on piles of gravel left on vacant building sites and when we got hurt, mum pulled out the 2/6p bottle of iodine and then we got our backside spanked. Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10 day dose of antibiotics and then mum calls the lawyer to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.
To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that?
We never needed to get into group therapy and/or anger management classes. We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac!
How did we ever survive?

[john.b74]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

---The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops........

She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens, 'said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?"

...."Don't Screw with Mommy when she's been drinking."

[john.b74]

During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable! Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused, "Happy Birthday!"

[john.b74]

Paddy is at the airport with a sack over each shoulder and when he is stopped at customs they find that both sacks are full of mobile phones. When asked why; Paddy said, "Well, while I was on my travels in America, I got a phone call from my mate Murphy in Cork and he told me that he is starting up a jazz band and could I bring him back two saxophones."

[john.b74]

I made dinner for my new girlfriend last night.

After the meal I said, "Those chips that you've just eaten actually came from my garden this morning."

"Wow!" she smiled, "I didn't know that you grew potatoes?"

I said, "I don't, someone
must've thrown them over the fence."

[john.b74]

TYPES OF PEOPLE ON EBAY
1) The "Rooster" – Feels that it is their job to tell EBAY "Good Morning" every day.
2) The "Lurker" – Never posts or comments on ur post, but reads everything, and might make reference to your status if they see you in public.
3) The "Hyena" – Doesn't ever really say anything, just LOLs and LMAOs at everything.
4) "Mr/Ms Popular" – Has 4,367 friends for NO reason!
5) The "Gamer" – Plays Words With Friends, Mafia Wars, Bakes virtual cakes and stuff, etc., ALL DAY.
6) The "Cynic" – Hates their life, and everything in it, as evidenced by the somber tone in ALL of their status updates.
7) The "Collector" – Never posts anything either, but joins every group and becomes fans of the most random stuff.
8)The "Promoter" – Always sends event invitations to things that you ultimately delete or ignore.
9) The "Liker" – Never actually says anything, but always clicks the "like" button.
10) "Drama Queen/ King" – This person always posts stuff like "I can't believe this!", or "They gonna make me snap today!", in the hopes that you will ask what happened, or what's wrong but then they never finish telling the story.
11) The "News" – Always updates you on what they are doing and who they are doing it with, no matter how arbitrary.
12) The "Thief" – Steals status updates... and will probably steal this one.
(This one definitely applies to me !

[john.b74]

A teacher asked her 6th-grade class how many of them were Trump fans.
Not really knowing what a Trump fan is, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he’d decided to be different… again.

Little Johnny said, “Because I’m not a Trump fan.”

The teacher said, “Why aren’t you a fan of Trump?”

Johnny said, “Because I’m a Democrat.”

The teacher asked him why he was a Democrat.

Little Johnny answered, “Well, my Mom’s a Democrat and my Dad’s a Democrat, so I’m a Democrat.”

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, “If your mom was a *bleep* and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?”

With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, “That would make me a Trump fan.”

[cee-dee]

Tommy was leaving his favourite bar when he is run over by a bus. He gets to the gates of heaven and St Peter tells him he cannot enter unless he passes a test. Tommy agrees to try as he never was the brightest bulb in the box.

St Peter decides to go easy on him. “What has five fingers and is made of black leather?” he asks.

Tommy scratches his head, thinks hard and finally gives up.

“It’s a glove,” says St Peter. “Let’s try again. What has 10 fingers and is made of black leather?”

Tommy was clearly stumped. After a few minutes of pacing in a circle and scratching his head, he gives up.

“Why, it’s TWO gloves – don’t you see? Ten fingers, black leather?” says St. Peter, amazed.
Being in a generous mood, St Peter decides to give Tommy one final chance and thinks of an even easier question.

“Okay. Who is the patron saint of Ireland?” he asks, thinking surely Tommy can’t miss this.

“It wouldn’t be three gloves, would it?” says Tommy.

[cee-dee]

After being Married for over 30 years, Irene asked her hubby to describe her.

Tommy looked her up and down then said " A B C D E F G H " Then left a gap before continuing "I J K".

Irene asked "What the heck does that mean?"

Tommy rplied "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fancy, Gorgeous, Honey".

Irene Smiled happily and said "Oh that's lovely but what about I J K?"

Tommy replied "I'm Just Kidding"

His eye is still swollen after a week but it'll heal in time.

[john.b74]

I just had the joiner round to hang some doors and all he did was complain , this frames 10 mil out that 1 is 15 mil out.
I said think yourself lucky you’ve got a job , my mate has just been sacked for been 1 mil out .
He was a bank manager though

[john.b74]

A Scouse girl goes to the welfare office to register for child benefit
"How many children?" asks the welfare officer
"Ten" replies the Scouse girl
"Ten?" says the welfare worker
"What are their names?"
"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and
Nathan"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Scouse girl, "It's great because if they are out
playing in the street I just have to shout 'Nathan yer dinner's ready!'
or 'Nathan go to bed now!' and they all do it
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the curious welfare
worker

"That's easy," says the Scouse girl... "I just use their surnames"

[john.b74]

An Indian parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it
off to his colleagues.

As he's getting out of the car, a truck comes speeding along too close
to the kerb and takes off the door before speeding off.

More than a little distraught, the Indian grabs his mobile and calls the
police.

Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance
to ask any questions, the Indian starts screaming hysterically:

" My Porsche, my beautiful black Porsche is ruined. No matter how long
at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!"

After the Indian finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his
head in disgust: "I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Indians
are," he says. "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you
don't notice anything else in your life."

"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?", snaps the Indian.

The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn
off when the truck hit you."

The Indian looks down in absolute horror

He screams........"Where's my Rolex??
.........................................................................................................................
My girlfriend's dream has always been to get married in a castle. So when I proposed I made that dream come true.

Although you wouldn't have thought it from the look on the miserable face as we were bouncing around inside it!!

[john.b74]

1. All the girls at school had ugly uniforms

2. It took 5 minutes for the Tv to warm up.

3. You got your windscreen cleaned, oil checked and petrol served every time you went to the servo, and it was free.

4. They threatened to keep children back a year if they failed the school year.

And they did!!!!

5. No one ever asked where the car keys were because they were always in the ignition,

and the doors were never locked.

6. Bottles came from the corner shop without safety caps and hermetic seals, because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger.

7. When being sent to the headmaster's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited you at home.

8. When you could go to shop and come home with a big bag of lollies, cant do it these days, too many surveillance cameras.

9. When you went to the barber, he would give you a lollie after you had your hair cut, these days the barber would be arrested.

10. Mum cooked every night and nearly every meal was meat and 3 Veg with a Roast on Sunday.

11. You would reach into a muddy gutter to pick up a penny.

12. If you were at the beach and got into trouble, people would rescue you, now they stand there with a smart phone, filming you drowning and upload it Youtube.

[john.b74]

I went to the doctors with a nasty cough, he said
"Have you started smoking again?"
I said "no why?"
He said
" shame I'm selling 200 bensons for 40 quid...

[john.b74]

This is something we should all read at least once a week!!!!! Make sure you read to the end!!!!!!

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short – enjoy it..

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and family will.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Stay true to yourself.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. Save for retirement starting with your first pay check.

9. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

10. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

11. It's OK to let your children see you cry.


12. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

13. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it...

14 Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

15. Get rid of anything that isn't useful. Clutter weighs you down in many ways.

16. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

17. It's never too late to be happy. But it’s all up to you and no one else.

18. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

19. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

20. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

21. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

22. The most important sex organ is the brain.

23. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

24. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'

25. Always choose life.

26. Forgive but don’t forget.

27. What other people think of you is none of your business.

28. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

29. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

30. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does..

31. Believe in miracles.

32. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

33. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

34. Your children get only one childhood.

35. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

36. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

37. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

38. Envy is a waste of time. Accept what you already have not what you need.

39. The best is yet to come...

40. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

41. Yield.

42. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

[cee-dee]

An English lawyer and Tommy are sitting next to each other on a long flight back to Ireland.

The lawyer is thinking that all Irishmen are so stupid that he could put something over on them easily…So the lawyer asks if Tommy would like to play a fun game.

Tommy is tired and just wants to sleep, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and says that the game is a lot of fun.

"I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me only €5.00 then you ask me one, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you €500.00," he says.

This catches Tommy’s attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What’s the distance from The Earth to the Moon?"

Tommy doesn’t say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five euro note and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it’s Tommy’s turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on Google.

He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.

After over an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes Tommy up and hands him €500.00.

Tommy pockets the €500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes Tommy up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

Tommy reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00 and goes back to sleep.

The moral of the story is don’t mess with Tommy!

[john.b74]

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees the man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of her car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explains,"I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry."

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit!?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says...

Hair Spray — Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave.

[john.b74]

Little Larry:

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I didn't like to see you standing there all by yourself!'

Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mum?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'are you giving up?'

Larry's class were on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Larry asked,"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied; 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy them.
Larry, looking worried, and said; 'Dad, I think the milkman wants to buy Mum .....

[john.b74]

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know
you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about
him before I give him my answer."
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at
7pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me
such beautiful flowers!
Then he takes me downstairs. And what's there; a limousine, uniformed
chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner; a marvelous
dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks.

Then we go see a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I
could have just died from pleasure!
So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an
ANIMAL!! Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and
has his way with me three times!”
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious! So you are telling me I shouldn't go?"

Edna: "No, no, no .. I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

[john.b74]

Dear Mrs Bailey,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.

We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban him from the store.

Our complaints against your husband Mr. Matt Bailey, include, but are not limited to, the list below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. January 5: Set all the alarm clocks in Homewares to go off at 5- minute intervals.

2. February 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

3. March 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the toilets.

4. April 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Homewares. Get on it right away".

This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor.

5. May 4: Went to the Customer Service Desk and tried to reserve a pack of biscuits.

6. June 14: Moved a "Caution - Wet Floor" sign to a carpeted area, which resulted in a customer slipping and falling over.

7. August 15: Sat in a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children obliged.