JOKES

[tommy.irene]

LETS START 2014 OF WITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

[tommy.irene]

A ginger man finds a magic lamp and when he rubs it a genie pops out. "Ah, hell," says the genie, "What do you want?" The ginger says, "I want a huge mansion with a thousand rooms and a hundred floors, all made of pure gold." The genie looks at him and says, "Don't be an idiot, do you have any idea how much gold that would take? That's impossible. Pick something else." So the ginger says, "I want everyone to stop taking the **bleep** out of my hair colour." The genie says, "So this mansion, you want en suite bathrooms?"

[tommy.irene]

This guy pulls into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure his dog had fresh air. The dog was stretched out in the back seat, and the guy wanted to impress upon he that he must remain there. The guy walked to the curb backward, pointing his finger at the car and saying emphatically, “Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!” The driver of a nearby car gave the guy a startled look “I don’t know about you, man,” he said incredulously. “But I usually just put my car in park.”

[tommy.irene]

Harry and Esther are out shopping one morning when Esther says, "Darling, it's my mother's birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She said she would like something electric." Harry replies, "How about a chair?"

[tommy.irene]

Dear Son, Your Pa has a new job. The first in 48 years. We are a little better, off now, getting $17.96 every Thursday. So we up and thought we'd do a little fixin’ up. We sent to Rosemont and Seasbuck for one of them there bathrooms you hear so much about and it took a plumber to put it in shape. On one side of the room is a great big long thing, something like the hogs drink out of, only you get in it and wash all over. Over on the other side is a little white thing called a sink, this is for light washing, like face and hands, but over in the other corner we really got something. There you put one foot in, wash it clean, pull a chain and get fresh water for the other foot. Two lids come with the darn thing and we ain't had any use for them in the bathroom, so I'm using one for a bread board and the other we framed grandmother's picture in. They were awful nice people to deal with and they sent us a roll of writing paper with it. Take care of yourself son..

[tommy.irene]

A cowboy rides into town on Friday, stays three days and leaves on Friday how does he do it? The horses name is Friday

[tommy.irene]

A tightwad was looking for a gift to give a friend. Everything was too expensive except for a glass vase that had been broken and he could purchase it for almost nothing. He asked the store to send it hoping his friend would think it had been broken in transit. In due time he received a note: “thanks for the vase,” it read. “It was so thoughtful Of you to wrap each piece separately.”

[tommy.irene]

Sign in a Police Station: It takes about 3500 bolts to put a car together; but only one nut to scatter it all over the road.

[tommy.irene]

A blonde received a certificate for helicopter flying lessons for her birthday. One day she was bored and decided to take advantage of the opportunity. When she arrived at the place, the man said "Well, there's only one helicopter here, and it only has one seat, if I show you how to do it, do you mind going up solo?" "Oh of course! I can handle it" the blonde replied. Well, he showed her the inner-workings of the helicopter and sent her on her way, only asking that she radio in every 400ft. just to make sure everything was going smoothly. at 400ft, she radioed in saying "wow! this is so much fun!" At 800 ft. She radioed in again saying "this is pretty easy, I can do this all day!" At 1200 ft. She didnt. he waited and waited, and didn't hear from the blonde! seconds later he heard a crash in the field next to the station. He ran out to see what happened, the blonde crashed! Luckily she survived, "what happened?" he exclaimed. "Well, I was doing fine, but, I started to get cold, so I just turned off the big fan!"

[andreaneilcmc]

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is very heavy and the other is a little lighter!

[tommy.irene]

A guy goes in to hospital to have an ingrown toe-nail removed. He comes round to find the surgeon sitting at his bedside, "How did everything go Doctor?" he asked, "Well, i'm afraid i have some good news and some bad news Mr Jones :? " the surgeon says. "What's the bad news?" he asks, "Well, i'm sorry to say the Registrar mixed up the operations time tables and you had both your feet amputated by mistake" "OMG , what's the good news!? " he exclaims, "The fella in the next bed says he'll give you a tenner for your slippers!!.

[tommy.irene]

Just a reminder to those who stole Electrical goods in the riots a few years ago....your Warranty runs out soon!!.

[tommy.irene]

Knock-knock. Who's there? Dishes. Dishes who? Dishes the police! Come out with your hands up!

[tommy.irene]

A Travel Agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a great holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense and I won't take 'no' for an answer." He took them inside and asked his secretary to arrange two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel." Then, as can be expected, they gladly accepted, and were off! About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop. "And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly. "The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you, but one thing puzzled me. Who was that old bugger I had to share the room with?"

[tommy.irene]

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Pettry amzanig huh?

[tommy.irene]

Police are hunting for a missing mother and her four children who are feared to be travelling to Syria. "This woman needs to be found with the utmost urgency." Said the police chief. "We can offer her assistance, we found her passport on her kitchen table "

[tommy.irene]

On a tour of New Zealand, the Pope took a few days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man, wearing a France rugby shirt, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25 foot shark. As the Pope watched in horror, a speedboat pulled up with three men wearing England shirts. One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side while the other two reached out and pulled the blue semiconscious Frog from the water. Then, using the long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat. Immediately, the Pope shouted and summoned them to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I heard that there were some bitter hatreds between the French and the English, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true." As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his pals, "who was that?" "It was the Pope" one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom." "Well" the harpooner said, "he may have access to God and his wisdom, but he doesn't know anything about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up okay or do we need to get another one?"

[tommy.irene]

" Doctor I keep stealing things" " Take these tablets; if that doesn't work get me a flat screen TV."

[tommy.irene]

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank." Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy." Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special!" Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right." Passenger. "Wow, some guy then." Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man . He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman ." Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. I just married his damn widow!!..

[tommy.irene]

A new business is open and one of the owner’s friends wants to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrive at the business site and the owner reads the card: “Rest in Peace.” Understandably the owner is angry and calls the florist to complain. After he tells the florist the obvious mistake and how angry he is, the florist replies, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this. Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a card saying, ‘Congratulations on your new location.’

[tommy.irene]

" Dad who built the Suez Canal" " I don't know son" " Dad who discovered penicillin " " I've no idea son" " Dad what's the capital of Italy " " I ain't got a clue son" "Dad you don't mind me asking all these questions do you" "No son, if you don't ask you won't learn anything "