JOKES

[tommy.irene]

LETS START 2014 OF WITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

[tommy.irene]

An ugly man walks into a bar and a beautiful woman approaches him the woman asks the man, "How would you like to get out of here?" and the man is stunned. He never thought a woman like her would ever approach him so he agrees. They both get into his car and drive really far. He stops at a cliff with the view of the whole city. Within seconds they start taking off their clothes. After 15 minutes of vigorous sex they finally finish. They both put their clothes on and they both just sit there awkwardly. The woman speaks up and says "I'm a prostitute and its going to be £100 for my service." The man is stunned and saddened that she didn't really like him. He gives her the money and they both sit there awkwardly. The woman tells him that she is ready to leave and the man replies "I'm a taxi driver and its going to be £150 for the ride here and back."

[tommy.irene]

Mother mouse and a baby mouse were walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacked them. The mother mouse goes, "BARK!" and the cat runs away. "See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language".

[tommy.irene]

An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow were hired at a construction site. The foreman pointed out a huge pile of sand and told the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he said, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies." He then said, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile." The foreman went away for a of couple hours, and, when he returned, the pile of sand was untouched. He asked the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replied, "I no have a no broom. You said to the Chinese fella that he a was a in a charge of supplies, but he has a disappeared and I no could a find a him nowhere." Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile." The Scotsman replied, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah could nay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah could nay fin' him either." The foreman was really angry by now and stormed off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy jumped out from behind the pile of sand and yelled... "SUPPLIES!!"

[tommy.irene]

Man goes to the doctors because he thinks he has piles.the doctor confirms this and gets him to bend over and inserts some ointment in his backside. Dr tells the man to use this ointment morning and night and to ask his wife to help him . At home the wife helps him before bed time with the pile ointment. As he is bending over she puts her left hand on his left shoulder to steady him as she gently eases the nozzle in and squeezes the tube. The man gives out a little scream and the lady apologises and asks him if it hurt. The man replies "no but I just remembered that when the doctor did this he had both hands on my shoulders"

[tommy.irene]

A shepherds pie walks into a bar and orders a pint of lager.... no sorry says the landlord..... we don't serve food here..

[tommy.irene]

Two Irishmen were talking: The first asks, "Connor, you know that guy Trump who is running for President?" Connor says, “I do Sean, I do." "Well", says Sean, "The next time he gets up to talk, I'd like to see someone throw a shoe at his head". "Now, now, you know you're not supposed to wish harm on anyone", says Connor. "Oh!” says Sean, "I'm not wishing him harm, and I just want to see Donald duck."

[tommy.irene]

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it." Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house." "Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!" "Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"

[tommy.irene]

An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying. The bartender asks, “What’s wrong?” The old man looks at the bartender through Teary eyes and between sobs says, “I married a beautiful woman two days ago. She’s a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvelous cook, a meticulous housekeeper, Extremely sensitive to my wants and needs, very giving, my best friend, and intensely passionate in bed.” The bartender stares at the old man for a brief moment and says, “But that sounds great! You have what every man wants in a woman, so why are crying?” The old man looks at the bartender and says, “I can’t remember where I live!”

[tommy.irene]

At an international medical conference, and American, a German and a Russian were discussing the shortcomings of their diagnoses. The American said; “I can’t stand it sometimes, “We treat patients for cancer, and they die of AIDS.” “I know what you mean,” said the German “We treat them for yellow fever; ant it turns out they had malaria.” “We don’t have that problem in our country,” said the Russian doctor. “When we treat patients for a disease, they die of that disease.”

[tommy.irene]

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer." the man began, "I can explain,". "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..." "But officer, I just wanted to say...." "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

[tommy.irene]

Teacher: How old is your father? Kid: He is 6 years. Teacher: What? How is this possible? Kid: He became father only when I was born. Logic!! . This kid is from IIN! ! Children Are Quick and Always Speak Their Minds _______________________________ TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America . MARIA: Here it is. TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ? CLASS: Maria. _______________________________ TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? JOHN: You told me to do it without using the tables. _______________________________ TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' TEACHER: No, that's wrong GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. (I Love this child) _______________________________ TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD: H I J K L M N O. TEACHER: What are you talking about? DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O. _______________________________ TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. WINNIE: Me! _______________________________ TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. _______________________________ TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. ' MILLIE: I is... TEACHER: No, Millie...... always say, 'I am.' MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet' _______________________________ TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him? LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand...... _______________________________ TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. ______________________________ TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his? CLYDE : No sir, It's the same dog. (I want to adopt this kid!!!) ____________________________ TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? HAROLD: A teacher

[tommy.irene]

The plane leaves JFK airport under the control of a Jewish captain, Josh Weinberg. It is the first time he has flown with his Chinese co-pilot Bo Weng and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike. After this protracted silence has continued for a while, the Captain mutters, 'I don't like the Chinese.. .' No rike Chinese?' asks the copilot, 'why not?' 'You people bombed Pearl Harbour , that's why!' 'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Per Hahbah. That Japanese, not Chinese. Japanese do that'.' 'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese....Doesn't matter to me: you're all alike!' The silence continues on until the co-pilot suddenly announces 'I no rike Jews anyway' . 'Oh yeah, and why not?' asks the captain. 'Jews sink Titanic' says the co-pilot. 'You're nuts' exclaims the captain, 'Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' , 'It was an iceberg!' 'Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, no mattah to me...all bruddy same!!..

[tommy.irene]

Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a dreadful fight!" "Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!" "I know, I know!" said Joanna. "But what am I going to do with the body?"

[tommy.irene]

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales. So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.' Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.' A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another Fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.' As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.' Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all at all. My wife won twice last week!!..

[tommy.irene]

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss concerned about all his employees well being asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" To which the blonde replies... "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." The boss feeling very sorry at this point explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest." The blonde very calmly states..."No.. I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blond to work as usual... " If you need anything just let me know." A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde...he looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!!!!! He rushes out to her asking " What's so bad now... are you gonna be okay??" "No..." exclaims the blonde, " I just received a horrible call from my sister and she said that her mom died too!!!

[tommy.irene]

My wife was sitting in the porch when I got home. "I forgot my front door key this morning," she explained. "Why didn't you use the spare key hidden in the greenhouse?" I asked. "Do I look stupid?" she replied. "That only fits the back door, you idiot."

[tommy.irene]

McMilligan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. “Excuse me,” said a customer, who was puzzled over what McMilligan had done. “What was that all about?” “Nothing,” said the Irishman, “Me wife just sent me out for a jar of olives.”

[tommy.irene]

A Blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. "So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?" The Blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying... "Ehhhh... 22." The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?" The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces..."Five foot two!" This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the interviewee won't have to count, measure, or lookup. "Just to confirm for our records, your name please?" The Air head bobs her head from side to side for about fifteen seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying..."Mandy!" The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, "What were you doing when I asked you your name?" "Ohhhh, that!" replies the Air head," I was just running through that song...'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you!!..

[tommy.irene]

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later." "That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to." "Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted. "Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it." After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset." "Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?" "Under the wagon."

[tommy.irene]

" Doctor, I get this overpowering urge to sing 'Delilah'. Then I get this urge to sing 'The Green Green Grass of Home" " Hmmm, you are suffering from Tom Jones syndrome." " I've never heard of that doctor. Is it a rare complaint?" "It's not unusual"