JOKES

[tommy.irene]

LETS START 2014 OF WITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

[cee-dee]

Eee iz ere, Y?

[john.b74]

Right.lung.gone...waiting.for.Left.one.to.go..Great.Holiday.80+somedays,,seen.old.mates..Laptop.is.slowly.packing.up...I.have.to.put.a..dot.between.words..

[john.b74]

An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up.
Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" She calls their father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing. The two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper. DO YOU HEAR ME?” She hangs up the phone.
The old man turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they’re both coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares.

[cee-dee]

We've had that one at least a couple of times before.

[cee-dee]

Idly, the American tourist in Kerry watched as Tommy dug and turned over the soil. Eventually he called out: "Hey, buddy, what's that you're doing?"

"I'm digging potatoes, sir." said Tommy.

"Potatoes? You call those puny things potatoes? Back home in Idaho we have potatoes ten times that size!"

"Indeed sir" Tommy replied "that's as it needs be, a good potato should be of a size to fit the mouth."

[cee-dee]

Now Tommy was always suspected of poaching fish from the well stocked reservoir but had never been seen doing it.

One day the Water Bailiff caught Tommy leaving the vicinity of the reservoir with a bucket of fish.

"Aha! I've caught you poachin' fish red-handed," says the Bailiff

"What do you mean, red-handed?" says Tommy all innocently.

"You've got a bucket full of 'em right there. You can't talk your way out of it this time."

"Oh, you don't understand," says Tommy, "I've not poached a thing. These are me pet fish. I bring 'em to the reservoir once a week for exercise. After they've had a good swim, they come back to the bucket and we go back home."

"Do ya expect me to believe such an outlandish tale?"

"I can prove it." says Tommy.

So they walk back to the reservoir and Tommy dips the bucket in and the fish swim away. They stand in silence for 20, 30, 40 minutes - no sign of the fish coming back to the pail.

"Ha, ya lying rogue!" shouts the Bailiff. "Where are your fish?"

"What fish?" Tommy asked!

[cee-dee]

As a young lad, Tommy had just got his provisional licence.  He asked his dad, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His dad said to him:-

"If you bring your marks up, study your bible, and get your hair cut, we'll talk about it."

A month later Tommy came back and again asked his dad if they could now discuss his use of the car. His dad said,

"Well, son, I see that your marks have improved, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get a hair cut!"

Tommy waited a moment and then replied, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that. Didn't Samson have long hair, Moses have long hair, Noah have long hair, and even Jesus himself have long hair?"

His dad replied, "They did so, and they walked everywhere they went!"

[cee-dee]

Tommy was taken to the Mercy Hospital, and taken quickly in for emergency coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as a groggy Tommy regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.

"Now Tommy, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, sorry, I don't have any insurance," Tommy whispered hoarsely.

"Can you pay in cash?" asked the nun.

"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."

"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun persisted.

"Just my sister in America" he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."

"Oh, I must correct you Tommy. Nuns are not 'spinsters;' they are married to God."

"Wonderful," said Tommy. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."

[john.b74]

Two women talking after death

1st woman : Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman : Hi! I'm Kelly. How'd you die?

1st woman : I Froze to Death.

2nd woman : How Horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I
began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about
you?

2nd woman : I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my
husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But
instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and
searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere,
and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still .be.alive..

[john.b74]

...2010..Snipe..Just>felt.it..Ha..ha..

[cee-dee]

We've had that one before too?

Spacebar still not working? Tried turning off Sticky Keys?

[john.b74]

Im still here ..Left lung is now slowly closing down..I have morphine to take if needed..

[john.b74]

Well Cee-Dee. I just booked in to get burnt.. when i did they take me abd burn me £300 all in and back to Irene.. Family will have a scattering off ages. with my friends.. was quoted £5000 for funual why pay that much when Irene can have the money ..

[cee-dee]

Blimey, that's not a pleasant thought? Will Irene post on here to let us know?

[john.b74]

It.took.me.2.hours.to.get.into.the.E/Bay.group

[john.b74]

My.email..tommy.johnston@sky.com.....or.tommy.johnstonFacebook...you.can.join.and.leave.again,

[john.b74]

Irene.dosent.do.e/bay.

[john.b74]

my.email.....tommy.johnston@sky.com..................

[*guinevere*]

Hi @john.b74  AKa Tommy,

I'm quite new to this thread but your plight has genuinely touched me, I'm so sorry for what you're going through and I want you to know that I think about you a lot even though I've never even met you.

I am wishing you and your family all the very best. 

Liz.

[john.b74]

Its.one.day.at.a.time.now