JOKES

[tommy.irene]

LETS START 2014 OF WITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

[cee-dee]

Well that's shocking news Tommy. What can I say?

[john.b74]

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@cee-dee wrote:

Well that's shocking news Tommy. What can I say?

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@cee-dee wrote:

Well that's shocking news Tommy. What can I say?

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You can say you hope i dont get the VIRIS19..  Ha  ha,,

[cee-dee]

You've still got a sense of humour anyway? 

[john.b74]

A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
"Yes," the Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years.
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid," the owner says.
"£10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying **bleep**. He's never been out of the garden."

[john.b74]

Cee -Dee lets go to private messages.

[john.b74]

As a singer I sing at many funerals & I was recently asked by a funeral director to play & sing at a graveside service for a homeless man.
He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery out in the country.
As I was not familiar with the area, I got lost.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw that the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt bad and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.
I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to sing.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I sang from my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
As I sang “Amazing Grace”, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
When I finished, I packed up my keyboard and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I’ve never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
Apparently, I’m still lost….

[john.b74]

After being together for thirty years, Scooter Mike's ol lady asked him to describe her.
He looked at her for a while, then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asks, "What does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.
She smiled happily and said, "Oh, that's so lovely, What about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
The swelling in his eye is going down and the Doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles

[cee-dee]

You've posted that one before too.

[john.b74]

..A businessman was staying in a Five Star hotel in Barcelona ,Spain . His stay was for a week .
on arrival he was asked if he had any special dietary requirements .
He said " As it happens I do . .I do enjoy a nice plate of bulls testicles for breakfast ".
The receptionist said no "No problem Sir ,the Bull Ring is next door . I can have them fresh every day for you from the matador."
So ...................... Monday morning two large bull fries for breakfast , the guy was really happy.
Tuesday , Wednesday, Thursday ,Friday, Saturday just the same .
Sunday morning the guy came down to breakfast to be greeted by two little things on his plate the size of a large grape .He was very disappointed . so .. he called the waiter over to see why
"Waiter !" the guy said " You have ruined my holiday . My final breakfast in this hotel and look at it ! it's like two bloody Grapes ! I demand an explanation ! "
The waiter was most humble .
" I'm very Sorry Senor " The waiter said. "But we get them from the bull ring next door as you know" .
The guy looked at the waiter and said " Yes. Yes.. and what has that got to do with it ?" "
he waiter looked sadly at the guy and said Well Senor. It couldn't be helped , Yesterday ..... The Bull he WON!"

[john.b74]

..

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door.
"Is there a problem Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"
"She's in the boot if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you the lying **bleep** told you I was speeding, too!"

[cee-dee]

Are you there yet?

[john.b74]

tTomorrow 2.30 pm.

[cee-dee]

Hey, first you said Tuesday, then it was Friday, now it's Saturday? Are you sure you'll get the plane?

[john.b74]

I am now living in Playa Del Ingles .. Gran Canaria.. Its 28* here warmer than Ireland wich is 10* Frosty.Right lung not working Cancer moving into left lung Slowly.... Then its goodbye.. I love the sunshine ..GOOGLE AUSTRAIL APPARTMENTS PLAYA DEL INGLES thats were i live now ..{arrived Saturday night 8pm}

[john.b74]

I took my wife to Barcelona for our first wedding anniversary...

We have been married 22 years now....

Might go back next year to bring her back...

[john.b74]

They exepect  3 million people to come here from Iceland ... Norway and any other country witch  30* under to stay November to April..Rooms work out around £400 a month for 2 bedroom.. Temp here 21* to 30*..durning the WINTER MONTHS..Bye..bye UK..

[john.b74]

Good morning everyone.. Another nice day..

[john.b74]

We have the ‘ I’m alright Jacks’ who care only about themselves; the Haters and Fearers who only start threads about bashing foreigners; the Goaders who look for a fight while putting others down; the Nutters and the Paranoid who make little sense at any time; The Blamers – everything is someone else’s fault; the Know-it-Alls and the Smug; the more Humble; the Intolerant and Angry; the Tolerant and Reasoned; the Couldn’t Care Less about much at all; the Passionate; the Compassionate; the Smart and the Not So Smart; the Grumpy Moaners; the Cheerful; the Dull; the Wise; the Animated; the Funny etc.

Do you think that the RT is a representative (proportionate) sample of the UK public in general?

Or at least of the equivalent age range, as age would have an influence - I guess that most Rters are middle-aged or older.

It’s quite a hard question I suppose, because in real life we tend to associate mostly with people of like mind.

[john.b74]

It.took.all.day.toget.into.E/BayThings.are......slow.Its.gooodbye.fromTommy.Irene....

[john.b74]

were.is.cee-dee