JOKES

[tommy.irene]

LETS START 2014 OF WITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

[john.b74]

Let’s talk about embarrassing moment 🤦🏻‍♀️
Last year I was living on my own with my children
I decided in the morning I would put the Xmas dec up
Spent all day, doing the inside and outside of the house super happy
Went to bed , but about two that morning, I hear bang bang on the door ..
I thought am not answering it
The knocking continued, I started to get scared the person wasn’t giving up..
so I put 999 into my phone went to the top of stairs to look throw the glass on the front door .
I could see a figure of a person, so i pressed the green button .
Talking to the lady operator, when I see the red glowing light of the inflatable snowman I had put up outside that morning .
The wind pushing it over, then it was bouncing back 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Omg I wanted to die when I was explain to the lady it’s ok it’s just the snowman knocking
And that I wasn’t crazy

[john.b74]

For cee-deeRob kissed his wife, crawled into bed and fell asleep. All of a sudden, he woke up to find an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing at the foot of his bed.
"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?... and who are you?" he asked.
"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."
"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young," said Rob. "I want you to send me back immediately."
"It's not that easy", said St.Peter. "You can only return as a dog or a hen. The choice is yours."
Rob thought about it for a while, and figured that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life.
"I want to return as a hen."
And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow. Then along came another hen.
"Hey, you must be the new hen St. Pe! ter told me about," she said.
"How do you like being a hen?"
"Well, OK I guess, but it feels like I am going to explode."
"Oh that!" said the other hen. "That's only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg."
"How do I do that?" Rob asked.
"Cluck twice, and then push all you can."
Rob clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'plop' an egg was on the ground.
"Wow" Rob said, "That felt really good!"
So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was another egg on the ground.
The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:
"Rob, for Christ's sake! Wake up! You're **bleep**tin' all over the bed!

[john.b74]

when her husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea".
The widow replied "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big **bleep** he always was".

[john.b74]

FOR Cee=Dee..

The first apple..

A woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man's car. Both of their cars are demolished, but amazingly neither of them was hurt.

After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said; "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”

The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of 75 year old scotch didn't break. Surely God meant for us to drink this vintage delicacy and celebrate our good fortune." Then she handed the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opened it, drank half the bottle and then handed it back to the woman. The woman took the bottle, immediately put the cap back on, and handed it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police."

Many years ago, Adam ate the apple.

Men will never learn!

..    

[cee-dee]

That's a different (but better) version of a priest and "a man" colliding isn't it? 

[john.b74]

Am in hospital getting checked  over for Lung Cancer

[cee-dee]

OMIGAWD, when did that show up?

[john.b74]

Had Asbustos and was given all clear in 2018 ,,They missed tiny Tumer , thought it was a Dot ..I was spitting Blood and hard to breave .was told it had spread around right lung ..Doing tests now..

[john.b74]

A Irishman went to the railway ticket office asking for a day return to Jeopardy...

When the ticket collector said there's no such place he said, "but the morning paper said there's a thousand jobs in Jeopardy"...

[m25jet]

---

@john.b74 wrote:
Had Asbustos and was given all clear in 2018 ,,They missed tiny Tumer , thought it was a Dot ..I was spitting Blood and hard to breave .was told it had spread around right lung ..Doing tests now..

---

Bloody hell - that doesn't sound good at all!  Let's hope to God that they can treat it and stop it from spreading any further.  Cancer treatment has come a long way since the early days of treatment, so hopefully with a course or chemotherapy or radiotherapy and some medications to take whilst you're having treatment it may be possible to halt the spread of the disease.

[cee-dee]

Tommy was talking to his mate, Paddy. Paddy was really upset to hear about Tommy's illness.

Tommy, ever to one to look on the bright side said "Look Paddy, it'll all be OK in the end. If it's not OK, it's not the end."

[m25jet]

How do you confuse an Irishman?

Show him a row of shovels and say "Take your pick."

[john.b74]

My oxygen level is 84 need 94 before they put camera in to see how far gone..

[cee-dee]

Blimey, that's low, I checked mine about an hour ago and it was 95. I see a chap nearly every day (saw him today) and he's only got one lung. He had LC quite a while back and he's still walking about OK. He's 73.

[john.b74]

The locker room was full of men sitting around talking at a golf club. Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:
“Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
“Yes.”
“Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful leather coat. It’s absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?”
“What’s the price?” “Only $1,000.”
“Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much…”
“Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2020 models. I saw one I really liked. It’s a SLK model. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price. And since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year…”
“What price did he quote you?”
“Only $1,65,000…”
“OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
“Great! But before we hang up, something else…”
“What?” “It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It’s for sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English garden, acre of park area, beach front property.”
“How much are they asking?”
“Only $14,50,000 — a magnificent price… and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover…”
“Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid up to $14,20,000. OK?”
“OK, sweetie… Thanks! I’ll see you later!! You’re the best Husband in the world. I love you!!!”
“Bye… I love you too…”.
The other men are looking at him in astonishment.
The husband raises his hand while holding the phone and asks, * * * * * * * * * “Does anyone know who this Cell phone belongs to???”

[cee-dee]

You've posted that before! A few times!

[john.b74]

I said to the wife " I've got a problem " she replied " no we have a problem , we're a couple , we're a unit"... your problem is my problem , we're in this together " over whelmed with relief I said.... "it's hardly worth mentioning now" but she was insistent on knowing " what is the problem??....." I then had to explain to her that" WE have got your sister pregnant...

[john.b74]

While digging a hole today, I found a box full of old five pence pieces...
I couldn't hold back my excitement, and I ran indoors to tell the wife...
Then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place...

[john.b74]

---

@cee-dee wrote:

Blimey, that's low, I checked mine about an hour ago and it was 95. I see a chap nearly every day (saw him today) and he's only got one lung. He had LC quite a while back and he's still walking about OK. He's 73.

---

Im taking it one day at a time..Waiting to see what Head Doctor is going to do..Will let you know..

[john.b74]

Am in hospital with CANCER in the lung,, Doctors waiting to do tests.. Had Doctor come in and tell me that oxygen is not at righting ..and Cancer is spreading around lungs .. Say i may have 2 or 4 weeks to live ..Its one day at a time with me now.. I had a good innings and anyone whos knows me say im always happy.. at hospital in 2017 then 2018 got the all clear.. .. Just waiting to be sent home to die. They said Oxygen is what lungs needs and lungs not strong enouth..they didnt send for me 2019 or 2020 for follow up..thats when tumber formed If i had been scaned they would have found the tumber,, cant wait to get home ..The hospital is doing an after care programe for me in the house..