JOKES

[tommy.irene]

LETS START 2014 OF WITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

[john.b74]

A heavily pregnant woman is trying to make her way to hospital. She still had a long way to go when she fell on a back street going into labour. Along comes the village idiot and although he could her plight, he didn't have a clue what to do. Not only was the baby coming but it was a breech birth. She shouted at the village idiot; " For god sake man do something. Get that baby out of me! " The village idiot gets down and pulls the baby out. However, he just stands there looking at it. " Do something you bloody idiot. Slap it's bottom! " The village idiot said; " What? " She said; " Just slap it's bottom." So the village idiot held the baby upside down and slapped it's bottom. The baby started crying. Then the village idiot gave it a hug and said; " There now you bad boy. Don't you ever climb in there again!! "

[cee-dee]

A young Irish girl with a lisp goes into her priest, Father Tommy on Saturday morning for confession.

"Father, forgive me for I have Thinned."

"You've Thinnned?"

"Yes, I went out with me boyfriend Friday night. He held me hand twice, kissed me three times, and made love to me two times."

"Daughter! I want you to go straight home, squeeze seven lemons into a glass, and drink it straight down."

"Will that wash away me Thin?"

"No, but it will wipe that stupid grin off your face."

[john.b74]

A banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old farmer, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.' Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year- old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on his farm knowing nature would take its own course. Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon. About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. 'How's the new wife?', asked the banker. Tom proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.' The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?' Without hesitating, Tom said, 'She's pregnant too.'

[john.b74]

A man walks into a hardware shop to buy a chainsaw .The salesman shows him the top of the range model .” With this “ says the salesman ,” you will be able to cut down 20 trees a day “, A few days later the man is back .” You told me chainsaw would cut down 20 trees a day “ he tells the salesman .” I took it out the first day and barely managed to cut down two very thin trees .The next day I tried again .I got up at 4 in the morning ,worked as hard as I could all day and still only managed to cut 3 very thin trees”, “ Oh dear”, says the salesman ,” it sounds like this chainsaw may be defective in some way .Let’s just give it a try and see what’s wrong .” The salesman then plugs the chainsaw in and starts it up at which point the man asks,” WHAT’S THAT NOISE?.

[john.b74]

In a quaint little country town a newly wed couple ran a thriving tea room. Every day without fail an elderly couple who were totally devoted to each other arrived for breakfast. Every day it was the same thing, they bought something to eat and then shared it. When the newly weds asked about it, the elderly couple just smiled saying; " Since we met over sixty years ago, we have shared everything." The newly weds would marvel at how the elderly woman would sit and watch her husband eat. Later on they could see how the husband would do the same. Then one day the the elderly couple came in and ordered a cheese burger and chips. The elderly man cut the cheese burger in half and after he divided the chips evenly he started to start eat. The elderly woman just sat smiling and watched her husband as he ate. The young newly wed couldn't quite understand and said to her; " I know you said that you shared everything but why are you not eating your food before it gets cold? " She smiled softly and said; " I'm waiting until he is finished with the teeth.

[john.b74]

A Man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his Wife stayed at home.
He wanted her to see what he went through each day, so he prayed.
"Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours of hard work, while my Wife merely stays at home.
I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies."
God, in His Infinite Wisdom, granted the Man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the Man awoke as a Woman.
He arose, cooked Breakfast for his mate, awakened the Kids, set out their School Clothes, fed them Breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to School, came home picked up the Dry Cleaning, took it to the Cleaners and stopped at the Bank to withdraw money to pay the Electric and Telephone Bill's.
He drove to the Electric Company and the Phone Company and paid the bills, went Grocery Shopping, came home and put away the Groceries.
Cleaned the Cat's Litter Box and Bathed the Dog.
By then it was already 1:00 pm, so he hurried to make the Beds, do the Laundry, Vacuum, Dust, and Sweep and Mop the Kitchen Floor.
He rushed to the School to pick up the Kids and got into an argument with them on the way home which he had to sort out in a gentle 'Motherly' fashion.
He set out Cookie's and Milk and got the kid's Organised to do their Homework, then set up the Ironing Board and was able to watch a bit of TV while he did the Ironing.
By then it was 4:30 pm, so he began Peeling Potatoes and Washed Greens for Salad.
He prepared the Chops and Fresh Vegetables and got everything ready in time for an early Dinner.
After Dinner, he Cleaned the Kitchen, ran the Dishwasher, folded Laundry, Bathed the Kids, and put them to Bed.
At 9:00 pm he was exhausted and although his Chores weren't finished for the day, he went to Bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaining.
The next Morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking.
I was so wrong to envy my Wife's being able to stay home all day.
Please, O please, let us trade back!"
The Lord, in his Infinite Wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You'll just have to wait 9 months though, because you got Pregnant last night!"

[john.b74]

IF YOU MARRY AN IRISH GIRL

The first man married a woman from Italy. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Poland. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
...
The third man married a girl from Ireland. He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees...

[john.b74]

One day Andy was rummaging through the collection of old photos in the attic, when he came across one that he hadn't seen in years. It was an old faded picture of his school friend, Eddie White. They had hung out together for most of their childhood years, but the school system sent them to different high schools, and that was the last they'd ever seen of each other.

Andy wondered how Eddie was doing, and for the days and weeks that followed he just couldn't get Eddie out of his thoughts. He explained the waves of nostalgia that kept rolling over him to his neighbor one day, and his neighbor suggested that he take the time to look Eddie up. It took him months and months of careful research, but finally he traced him to a cotton mill. His parents had moved shortly after Andy and Eddie had started high school, and that was why they'd never seen each other all these years.

Eddie had done well for himself. Andy learned that he had worked his way up to chief cotton buyer for the mill, and so with great anticipation Andy boarded the train to go see him.

The following day, he went into the reception area of the mill and asked the receptionist to inform Eddie that an old friend was waiting downstairs to see him. The receptionist simply smiled, and Andy's heart sank as she informed him that Mr. White had gone abroad to buy cotton for the mill, and he wouldn't be back for at least four weeks.

It was a tremendous disappointment, but Andy said that he'd try again in four weeks. And that was how it went on and on.

Every time Andy went to the mill to see Eddie, he was informed that he'd just left to buy cotton for the mill. But one day, the receptionist took pity on him, and said to Andy,
"Look, I've just spoken to Mr. White's secretary, and she assures me that he is very eager to meet you again after all these years, and that he'll definitely be in his office on the 18th of next month to see you. And he made that a very firm promise. He'll not go anywhere that day to buy cotton!"

So Andy had this assurance, the weeks went by, and the 18th came along. On that morning, Andy walked into the reception area with a spring in his step, when suddenly the receptionist's face told him that he'd be disappointed yet again.

"But this is dreadful," moaned Andy, "please don't tell me that he's gone off to buy more cotton. Every time, it's the same old thing. 'Mr. White isn't here right now. He's in Egypt buying cotton!'"

"Er, no," said the receptionist. "It's worse than that. You see, Mr. White dropped dead in the parking lot the other day."

“What?" cried Andy, "My friend Eddie, dead? I don't believe what I'm hearing!"

"I know how you must be feeling," sympathised the receptionist, "but perhaps you'd like to see the monument that the company set up over his grave. It's just across the road in that cemetery."

So Andy sadly dragged his tired feet over to the cemetery, and walked up to the huge black marble monument that was erected over Eddie's grave, and through his tears Andy began to read the magnificent gold lettering carved on the front of the monument:

"Here lies Eddie White

Gone, but not for cotton."

[john.b74]

Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower:
Mongrel, Coot and Bluey .
As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly..
As the ambulance takes the body away,
Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.
Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.
Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'
'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'
'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says.
'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."
She said, 'You must be mistaken.. I'm not a widow.'
Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are..'
Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff.

[john.b74]

I was sitting on a bench in the park next to a homeless man, I asked him how he ended up this way.He said: Up until Last week, I still had it all!!! A cook, cooked my meals, my room was cleaned, my clothes were washed, pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV, internet, I went to the gym, the pool, the library, I could still go to school.
I asked him, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?
Oh No, nothing like that he said. No, no ... I got out of prison!

[john.b74]

A bloke is visiting his mother in a mental hospital when in the same room he comes across a guy moving his arms around and making beeping noises.
"Excuse me", he asks him. "What on earth are you doing?"
"I’m driving my car!, says the guy excitedly. "Beep beep!"
"You nut, you"re not in a car, you"re in a mental hospital!"
A voice comes from the bed opposite. "Mate, shut up will you, he"s giving me twenty quid a day to wash the bloody thing"

[john.b74]

Fred came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep sleep. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Fred."
Fred was stunned. "I'm dead..? No,I can't be..! I've got too much to live for. Send me back..!"
St. Peter said, "I'm sorry no can do, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."
Fred was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground ..
A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh..? How's your first day here..?"
"Not bad"' replied Fred the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode...!"
"You're ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before..?"
"Never," said Fred.
"Well, just relax and let it happen"' says the rooster. "It's no big deal."
He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg..!
He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood.
He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....
"Fred, Fred...! wake up..! You've **bleep** the bed...!"

[john.b74]

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.

In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.

In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Sounds about right...

[john.b74]

Carol, a blonde city girl, married a Cornish dairy farmer.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John Trelawny said to Carol. "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the rail above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay."

So then the farmer leaves for the fields.

After a while, the insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Carol takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail. she tells him. "This is the one right here."

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks. "Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?"

"That's simple, by the nail over its stall." Carol explains very confidently.

Then the man asks. "What's the nail for?"

She turns and starts to walk away and with complete confidence, says over her shoulder. "I assume it's to hang your trousers on."

[john.b74]

A farmer walked into a bar and saw the local tractor salesman sitting there, head hung low, obviously upset, drowning his sorrows in his beer.
"What's up, John?" asked the farmer.
"Gosh Bob, I'll tell you what ... if I don't sell a tractor soon, I'm gonna have to close my shop."
"Now John, things could be worse," said Bob.
"How do you figure?" asked John.
"Well, John - you know my ornery cow, Bessie? I went to milk her this morning and she just kept flicking her tail in my face. So I grabbed a piece of rope and tied it up to the rafter. Then, the nasty thing went and kicked the bucket away! So I tied her leg to the wall.
Then she kicked my stool right out from underneath me! But I was out of rope. So I took my belt off and used it to tie her other leg to the other side of the stall. Well wouldn't you just know it...my damn pants fell down.
And John, if you can convince my wife that I was in there to MILK that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you TODAY!"

[john.b74]

Closing Argument:

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick:

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all." The lawyer said as he looked at his watch.

"Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door.

The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said. "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate.
A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" Inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt, I saw all of you stare at the door."

The jury foreman replied. "Oh, we did look, but your client didn't."

[john.b74]

When I was a boy my dad gave me money to go downtown and pay the electric bill but instead I bought raffle tickets for a chance to win a new truck. I told my dad when I got home and he beat my ass but the next morning in the driveway sat a brand new truck. We all held each other and cried, especially me cause it was the truck from the electric company there to turn off the lights.
...Dad beat my ass again.

[john.b74]

ONE FOR ALL THE LADIES OUT THERE:

This is one of the best posts I've read about women...
Please read it completely, it's worth it...💜

WOMAN:

When God created woman he was working late on the 6th day:

An angel came by and asked. "Why spend so much time on her?"

The lord answered. "Have you seen all the specifications I have to meet to shape her?"

She must function on all kinds of situations.
She must be able to embrace several kids at the same time.
Have a hug that can heal anything from a bruised knee to a broken heart.
She must do all this with only two hands,.
She cures herself when sick and can work 18 hours a day."

THE ANGEL was impressed" Just two hands, impossible!
And this is the standard model?"

The Angel came closer and touched the woman.
"But you have made her so soft, Lord."

"She is soft." Said the Lord. "But I have made her strong. You can't imagine what she can endure and overcome."

"Can she think?" The Angel asked.

The Lord answered. "Not only can she think, she can reason and negotiate."

The Angel touched her cheeks.
"Lord, it seems this creation is leaking! You have put too many burdens on her."

"She is not leaking, it is a tear." The Lord corrected the Angel.

"What's it for?" Asked the Angel.

The Lord said. "Tears are her way of expressing her grief, her doubts, her love, her loneliness, her suffering and her pride."

This made a big impression on the Angel.
"Lord, you are a genius. You thought of everything. A woman is indeed marvellous."

The Lord said. "Indeed she is.....
She has strength that amazes a man.
She can handle trouble and carry heavy burdens.
She holds happiness, love and opinions.
She smiles when she feels like screaming.
She sings when she feels like crying, cries when happy and laughs when afraid.
She fights for what she believes in.
Her love is unconditional.
Her heart is broken when a next-of-kin or a friend dies, but she finds strength to get on with life."

The Angel asked. "So she is a perfect being?"

The lord replied. "No. She has just one drawback....

She often forgets what she is worth.."

To all your women out there, remember your worth - Enjoy your day....

[john.b74]

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home.

As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little frisky.

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you have sex with me?"

Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" he asks, grinning at her.

"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

"No way. It's just too risky!"

"Oh please, please, I love you so much!"

"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"

"Oh, yes you can. Please?"

"No, no. I just can't"

"I'm begging you."

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's older sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair dishevelled, and in a sleepy voice, she says:

"Dad says to go ahead and have sex with him, or I can do it... or if need be Mum says she can come down herself and do it.

But for heaven's sake, tell him to take his hand off the intercom!"

[cee-dee]

Tommy had been sent to jail for 10 years for robbery.

A warder looked in his cell and saw Tommy hanging by his feet.

"What the hell are you doing?" he asks.

"Hanging myself" Tommy replied.

"It should be around your neck" said the warder.

"I know" said Tommy "but I couldn't breathe".