JOKES

[tommy.irene]

LETS START 2014 OF WITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

[john.b74]

A mA married couple was in a terrible accident where the

Man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the

Husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body

Because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate

Some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body

That the doctor felt was suitable would have to come

from her buttocks.

Owing to the sensitive nature of the situation...they all agreed that they

would tell no one about where the skin came from.

After the surgery.....

everyone was astounded at the man's new face.

He looked more handsome than ever ! All his

Friends and relatives raved about his youthful

appearance...especially his mother!

One day, while alone with his wife, and

overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear,

I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.

How can I possibly repay you?'

'My darling,' she replied,

'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother

kiss you on the cheek.'arried couple was in a terrible accident where the

Man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the

Husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body

Because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate

Some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body

That the doctor felt was suitable would have to come

from her buttocks.

Owing to the sensitive nature of the situation...they all agreed that they

would tell no one about where the skin came from.

After the surgery.....

everyone was astounded at the man's new face.

He looked more handsome than ever ! All his

Friends and relatives raved about his youthful

appearance...especially his mother!

One day, while alone with his wife, and

overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear,

I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.

How can I possibly repay you?'

'My darling,' she replied,

'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother

kiss you on the cheek.'

[john.b74]

In light of the latest problems facing the European currency, e.g. Ireland and Portugal having had a bailout; Greece facing collapse and needing another bailout, a Belgian bank collapsing and now Italy teetering on the brink, possibly tipping Austria over the edge...

… should the UK adopt the Euro?

A cross-section survey of 10,000 people in Sheffield, made up of a representative sample of local citizens consisting of Afghans, Albanians, Pakistanis, Indians, Poles, Iraqis, Somalis,
Bosnians, Turks, Moldovans, Latvians, Lithuanians, Bangladeshis, Ethiopians, Russians, Congolese and Zimbabweans were asked if they
thought Britain should change its currency and adopt the Euro …

… 99.9% said no, they were happy with the Giro.

[john.b74]

.It’s a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks. Father Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars. Mother Bear sticks her head out the kitchen door and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mother Bear who go up first. It was Mother Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mother Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mother Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mother Bear who set the table. It was Mother Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water and food dish. And now that you've decided to come down stairs and grace me with your presence, listen good because I'm only going to say this one more time: I haven't made the porridge yet!"

[john.b74]

50th High School Reunion

He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the last 20 years without fail. This 50th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles.

They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high. The widower throwing admiring glances across the table. The widow smiling coyly back at him. Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes... yes I will!"

The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he was troubled. Did she say “Yes” or did she say “No?” He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank.

He remembered asking the question but for the life of him could not recall her response. With fear and trepidation he picked up the phone and called her.

First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening. As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her. "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say“Yes” or did you say “No?”

"Why you silly man I said, ‘Yes. Yes I will.’ And I meant it with all my heart."

The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.

Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called,because I couldn't remember who asked me!”

[john.b74]

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion,
and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed,"she’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says my wife, "who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

---------------------------------------------------
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first.

"I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for "herself."

And then the fight started...

----------------------------------------------------

A woman was standing nude,looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw
and said to her husband, "I feel horrible, I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

The husband replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started...

[john.b74]

An older Irish woman visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.
"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."
"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an 'Irish Viagra'..."
"What is Irish Viagra?" she asked.
"It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went"
It was a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"
"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arms, he sent me cups and saucers flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor. "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?"
"Freakin' jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in 35 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again."

[**bustysinclaire**]

Gotta lower the tone 

[**bustysinclaire**]

The police came round to my house last night, said my dogs have been chasing people on bikes.😖

My dogs hanen't even got bikes. 😦

[john.b74]

After 37 years of marriage. Jake dumped his wife for his Young secretary.
His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jake and Edith’s multi million dollar home and since the man’s lawyers were a little better he prevailed.
He gave Edith his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out. She spent the 1st day packing her belongings into boxes crates and suitcases.
On the 2nd day she had to movers come and collect her things.
On the 3rd day she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend all was bliss for the first few days.
Then slowly the house began to smell. They tried everything cleaning mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even replaced the expensive wool carpeting. NOTHING WORKED.
People stopped coming over to visit. Repairman refused to work in the house. The Maid quit.
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later even through they had cut their price in half they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.
Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was… he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house ha been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.
INCLUDING THE CURTAIN RODS.

[john.b74]

The Indians on a remote reservation in Oklahoma asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'

'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'

'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a load of firewood'

[john.b74]

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”

“Just water,” says the priest.

The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”

The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”

[john.b74]

I was sitting on a bench in the park next to a homeless man, I asked him how he ended up this way.He said: Up until Last week, I still had it all!!! A cook, cooked my meals, my room was cleaned, my clothes were washed, pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV, internet, I went to the gym, the pool, the library, I could still go to school.

I asked him, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?

Oh No, nothing like that he said. No, no ... I got out of prison!

[john.b74]

The First Pitch!
The President and first lady Melania are in the front row at a Yankee's baseball game.
The row behind them is filed with Secret Service agents. One of them leans over and whispers something into the President’s ear.
Mr. Trump pauses then grabs the first lady Melania by the scuff of the neck and heaves her over the railing!
She falls 10 feet to the dugout, kicking and screaming obscenities.
The President shakes hands with those near him, getting "high fives".
The Secret Service Agent leans over again and whispers:
"Mr. President, I said, they want you to throw the 'FIRST PITCH'"

[john.b74]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man picks up with the speaker phone on and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops talking.

MAN: ”Hello?”

WOMAN: “Hi Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

MAN: “Yes.”

WOMAN: “I’m at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”

MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”

WOMAN:”I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked.”

MAN: ”How much?”

WOMAN: “$50,000.”

MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing… I was just talking to Kate and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $980,000 for it.”

MAN: “Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it’s what you really want.”

WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!”

MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.”

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, “Anyone know who’s phone this is?”

[john.b74]

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at centre ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there."No," says the neighbour. "The seat is empty.""This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the final game of the Stanley Cup playoffs and not use it?"The neighbour says "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967.""Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?" The man shakes his head "No, they're all at the funeral."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I wandered, lonely, through the crowds, with tired and aching feet
Ticketless and down-in-heart when 'ere I chanced to meet
A man with kindness in his eyes who said "I got a spare"
Oh I thanked him there, down on my knees and I asked him "But from where"?
He told me then the saddest tale of how his wife and he
Were two debenture holders, north stand, block A, Row D.
But since the wife's poor mother died, she hasn't been the same
She doesn't feel like going now. I thought "What a shame"
But then I asked "Why pick on me? Don't the family want to go?"
He said "They do, but the kick-off's at 3 and the funeral's 10 to 4"

[john.b74]

This guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.”

He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?” I said, “No, she’s an optician.”

[john.b74]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3 am in the morning and it's bloomin' well pouring with rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too you know."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk..

[**bustysinclaire**]

[john.b74]

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey, I've been invited to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends to go fishing, for the long weekend.
This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a three-day weekend.
And also, would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic? We're leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I'll swing by the house to pick-up my things. Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas.”
The wife thinks this sounds a bit odd, but, being the good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked.
Following the long weekend he returns home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?
He says, “Yes! Lots of walleyes, some bass, and a few pike.” "But", he said, "why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas, like I asked you to do?”
The wife replies, "I did, they're in your tackle box".

Never, Never, Never try to outsmart a woman!

[**bustysinclaire**]

My wife just opened my  car door for me!

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70 mph!!!