JOKES

[tommy.irene]

LETS START 2014 OF WITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

[john.b74]

Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was.She had long been suspicious of a
relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious....

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and
his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, his son volunteered,
“I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,we are just
roommates."

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying,
“Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just
to be sure." He sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate But the fact
remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,
your son.

Several days later, he received an email from
his Mother which read:

Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and
I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she
would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow…
Love,
Mom.

[john.b74]

Wanna Watch?

While in the playground with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch.

"Did you get that for your birthday?" asked Little Johnny.

"Nope." replied Jimmy.

"Well, did you get it for Christmas then?"

Again Jimmy says "Nope."

"You didn't steal it, did you?" asks Little Johnny.

"No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were 'doing the nasty'. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me."

Little Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself.

That night, he waited outside his parents' bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking. Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom.

His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily, "What do you want now?"

"I wanna watch," Johnny replied.

Without missing a stroke, his father said, "Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet."

[cee-dee]

The day before Father’s Day, Tommy and his mum went to find a card for Tommy's Dad. Inside, mum showed him the cards and asked him to pick one. Tommy was picking up one card after another, opening them up and quickly shoving them back into slots.

“Tommy, what are ya doing?” his mum asked. “Haven’t you found a nice card for your Dad yet?”

“No,” Tommy replied. “I’m looking for one with money in it.”

[cee-dee]

Tommy was drunk as usual while driving home from the pub and he was pulled over by the Gardai. After noting Tommys erratic driving, the Gardai immediately breathalysed him. As they were preparing to book him, there was a terrible accident in the opposite side of the road. The Gardai were immediately distracted by the other incident and decided to take care of more important matters.

Tommy, figuring that the Guardai weren't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. He was awakened in the morning by a knock at the front door, and was greeted by two Guardai. "Are you Mr Tommy Murphy?" they asked?

Tommy nodded his head. "Were you pulled over at Church Street last night for driving under the influence?"

Again, the Tommy nervously nodded his head. "And what did you do then?" they asked.

Tommy replied that he drove his car home and went to bed.

"Where is your car now?" the Guards enquired. Tommy told them that it was in the garage.

"May we see the car?" asked the Gardai. 

"Sure," said Tommy and opened the garage. Inside the garage was the Guardai squad car.

[john.b74]

An old farmer drove to a neighbor's and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.

The farmer asked, "Is your Dad home?"

The boy replied, "No sir, he isn't; he went to town."

The farmer said, "Well, is your Mother here?"

The boy said, "No sir, she went to town with Dad."

The farmer said, "How about your brother, Cee-Dee? Is he here?"

The boy said, "No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

The boy said, "Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Cee-Dee getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."

The boy thought for a moment, "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Cee-Dee."

[cee-dee]

Tommy wanted to be an accountant, so he went and took the Irish accountancy exam.

Examiner: If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits do you have?

Tommy said: Five.

Examiner: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Tommy said Five.

Examiner: Let's try this another way. If I give you two bottles of beer and then I give you another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got?

Tommy said: Four.

Examiner: Good! Now, if I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Tommy said: Five.

Examiner: How on earth do you work out that when I give you two lots of two rabbits you've got five in total?

Tommy answered: I've already got one rabbit at home!

[john.b74]

Two leprechauns went to the convent and begged an audience with the Mother Superior. “Well, how can I help you little people?” asked Mother Superior.
The larger and more intelligent looking of the leprechauns asked “Oh Mother Superior, would you be knowing of any midget nuns here at the convent?”
“No,” says Mother Superior, “I don’t have any midget nuns here at the convent.”
“All right then, Mother Superior, would you be knowing of any midget nuns in all of Ireland then?”
“No, no,” replied Mother Superior, “I don’t know of any nuns who are also midgets in all of Ireland at all.”
“Well then Mother Superior, in all of nundom, in the whole world of all the nuns, would you be knowing, then, of any midget nuns?”
“No, I would not; there are no midget nuns in the whole of the world!” replied Mother Superior, “and would you please tell me what this is all about!!?”
The asking leprechaun turned sadly to the other leprechaun and said “See, it’s as I told you all along… you’ve been dating a penguin!”

[john.b74]

50 SHEDS OF GREY.

I don't know if any of you have read this book, if you haven’t, the following might give you an idea of what it is all about.
The novel "Fifty Shades Of Grey" has seduced women - and baffled blokes.
Now a spoof, Fifty Sheds Of Grey, offers a treat for the men. The book has author Colin Grey recounting his love encounters at the bottom of the garden. Here are some extracts...
Fifty Sheds Of Grey
We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a
wall...
but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.

She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
"I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with me."
So I took her to McDonalds.
She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then
harder until finally it came.
I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.
Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.
She still manages to get into the shed, though.
"Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly.
"Mmmm, kinky!" she purred.
"Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof."
"I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be
punished."
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.
"Harder!" she cried, gripping the shed workbench tightly. "Harder!"
"Okay," I said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?"
I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.
"Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
"I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the receipt.
"Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
"Very well," I replied. "You've got fat ankles and no dress sense."
"Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you won't be able to sit down for weeks."
She nodded.
"Okay," I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.

"Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!"
"Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.
"Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously," she said, gently massaging my back as we listened to her Coldplay CD

[john.b74]

Paddy and Mick are sent to prison. Desperate to stay inp touch with each other, they invent a code and tap messages to each other by banging on the water pipes with a spoon. The system worked perfectly, but sadly it broke down after they were transferred to separate cells.

[cee-dee]

Little Tommy asked his dad, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?"

His dad thought about it for a moment and replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well son, an alcoholic would see eight."

Tommy replied, "But Dad, I only see two."

[cee-dee]

Tommy and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. Tommy gets up and goes to the door where he is met by a drunken neighbour who is standing in the pouring rain. The neighbour asks him for a push.

"Not a chance!" says Tommy. "It's three o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked Irene.

"It was Patrick Quinn, from around the corner. He's drunk and he wants a push." Tommy answered.

"Did you help him?" Irene asked.

"No, I did not! It's three in the morning and its pouring with rain!"

"Well, you have a short memory." she said. "Can't you remember about three months ago when our car broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

So Tommy does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Quinn, are you still there?"

"Yes." comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out Tommy.

"Yes, please!" Is the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks Tommy.

"I is over here, on the swing."

[john.b74]

I went to view a house on a Native American reservation:

"I like it" I said, "does it come with running water?"

He said, ", Get your own wife."

[john.b74]

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" "What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. ”I think you're bad luck."

[cee-dee]

Mick asks Tommy “Where’re you off to?”

“Jeopardy” replied Tommy.

“Where the heck is that?” asked Mick

Tommy replied “I’m not too sure but I just heard on the news that there’s hundreds of jobs in there.”

[john.b74]

I walked into a pub with my wife. The Landlord said, "Would you like a beer for your wife?"

I said, "That sounds like a fair swap!"

[cee-dee]

Jack was an Englishman, Andy was a Scotsman, and Tommy was an Irishman. They were all stranded on a small island. One day, they discovered an Arabian looking lamp in the sand. A genie appeared when they rubbed on it, granting a wish for each.

Without thinking, Jack wished he was back in London and he was gone. Andy wished he was back in Glasgow and he was gone, too.

Feeling lonely and bored, Tommy wished the two of them would be back on the island. Hey presto, they were back!

[john.b74]

Husband:
Last night I was sitting in the living room, talking to my wife about life..
In-between, we talked about the idea of living or dying..
I told her.. Never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle.
If you see me in that state, I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive..
I'd much rather die!'

My wife got up from the sofa with a real look of admiration towards me & proceeded to disconnect the Cable TV & DVD, then the Computer, the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went to the bar and threw away all my whisky, rum, gin & vodka and the beer from the fridge...

I ALMOST DIED!!

Moral:
Think about what you talk.. The female brain works on a different tangent than male !!....

[john.b74]

A Russian spy was sent to Ireland in the late 1960's at the height of the cold war.
He is told that his contact is a man named Murphy, and that the means of identifying himself is the phrase 'The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain' to which Murphy should reply "Not when you've got a good umbrella".
So at three in the morning a Russian submarine surfaces off the Irish coast and Boris the spy rows himself ashore in a rubber dinghy. Dawn is breaking as he walks into the village where he's to meet his contact.
The first person he sees is the local milkman on his horse drawn cart. "Excuse me" says Boris "I'm looking for a man named Murphy"
The milkman raises his cap and scratches his head "That's a difficult one sir, there're lots of people with that name. There's eight fishermen, 4 dock hands, the butcher, the baker, the inn keeper, the Postmaster, 12 of the other villagers and even I'm called Murphy"
Boris says "The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain"
The milkman replies " Why didn't you say that straight away? It's Murphy the spy you'll be wanting!"

[john.b74]

Misunderstanding Terms

One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors. Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter. Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat. The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

[john.b74]

Hi, so im here to say goodbye to this group which I love so much. My husband says im in this group every 2 seconds and he cant stand it anymore..Well we argued and he told me to choose between him or the group...therefore Im gonna be offline for a couple hours while I prepare his luggage and call him a taxi !!!!! I'll be right back!!