JOKES

[tommy.irene]

LETS START 2014 OF WITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

[john.b74]

Two police officers saw an old woman staggering out a local bar, stopping her they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home.

They loaded her into the police cruiser one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman.

As they drove through the streets they kept asking the old woman where she lived, all the old lady would say as she stroked the officer’s arm is, “You’re Passionate.”

They drove awhile longer and asked again, but again the same response as she stroked his arm, “You’re Passionate.”

The officers were getting a little upset so they stopped the car and said to the woman, “Look we have driven around this city for two hours and you still haven’t told us where you live!”

She replied, “I keep trying to tell you, you’re passin it!”

[john.b74]

A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.

The old-timer says, “Look at me. I’m old and worn out. You’d never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants in France.”

The new man asked, “What happened?”

-“One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!”

[john.b74]

the FBI is considering three men to be hired. They bring them in to speak with the interviewer separately. The first man comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him "Do you love your wife?" so he replies "Yes I do, sir." "Do you love your country?" asks the interviewer. "Yes I do, sir.", interviewer continues, "What do you love more, your wife or your country?" he replies "My country, sir." The interviewer looks at the man, "Okay. We brought in your wife. Take this gun and go into the next room and kill her."

The man goes into the room, and all is silent for about 5 minutes. He comes back, with his tie loosened and he is all sweaty. He puts down the gun and leaves. The second guy comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him the same questions, and the responses are the same. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy puts the gun down and says "I can't do it..."

The third guy comes in, the same thing happens. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy goes into the room, and they hear a bunch of crashing sounds that end after a few minutes. The guy comes out of the room with his tie loosened, and puts the gun on the table. The interviewer looks at him and says "What happened?!?!", to which the guy replies, "The gun you gave me was empty so I had to strangle her!"

[cee-dee]

Tommy was out on the town and had met up with and been chatting to a gorgeous young colleen all evening who was everything Tommy was looking for.

She had lovely long dark hair, a gorgeous figure, a sweet and cheeky face with those attractive high cheek-bones and lovely snub nose and perfectly formed lips. Set in to that gorgeous face were long eyelashes around cheeky Brown come-to-bed eyes. After plying her with drinks all evening Tommy had no need to use his Irish charm to ask her to come back home with him as she said "If you'll come outside with me, I'll show you a good time".

Tommy couldn't believe his luck and escorted her outside where she certainly showed him a good time, she ran a hundred yards in less than ten seconds.

[john.b74]

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his craft into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said: "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?". The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

[john.b74]

warning to all you , be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas and the Police are out there in their numbers checking on people.
Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing led to another and I had a few too many beers and then went onto Whiskey. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car where it was and took a bus home. Sure enough, I passed a Police control where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyser tests. Because I was in a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from.
Merry Christmas

[john.b74]

---

@tommy.irene wrote:

LETS START 2014 OF WITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

---

[cee-dee]

What happened there old chap? Any way, let's have a Tommy joke eh?

Paddy and Tommy were trying to get a disability pension, they were pretending to be deaf in order to get disability money from the government.

The next day they have to go to the hearing centre for their test. Paddy walks into the office, the man sat at his desk said “Hello, come in, shut the door behind you.”

Paddy shut the door and went to take a seat. The man said “Get out, you ain’t deaf, I just asked you to shut the door behind you and you shut it, you can hear perfectly fine, out get out!”

On his way out Paddy says to Tommy in the waiting room “Now whatever you do, don’t shut that door, he’s trying to trick you.”

So when Tommy walked in, the man said “Shut the door behind you.”
Tommy said “Shut it yourself!”

[john.b74]

A young Portsmouth woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia , the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food every day and I get a free trip to Australia."
"I see," the captain says 'and thats all is it?'
Her conscience then got the better of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry."

[john.b74]

've just got home to find all the windows and doors wide open. They've taken everything....it's all gone. The dirty rotten thieving pigs. What kind of sick minded person would do that to another person? You are not human. You are low life scum.......................... ......That was my advent calander and you had no right to open it and eat all my chocolates!

[john.b74]

This really beautiful young blonde went to see the doctor one day. The nurse put her in a room, so the blonde took all her clothes off and waited for the doctor to come in. A few minutes later the doctor went in to see her and was surprised to find her completely naked. After gazing up and down approvingly at her beautiful young body he said, "Miss Jones, is this your first visit to an eye doctor?"

[john.b74]

"Did you get the license number of the car that knocked you down?"
Pedestrian: "No, but I know who it was. My mother-in-law!"
Policeman: "How can you be so certain?"
Pedestrian: "I’d recognize that laugh anywhere!"

[cee-dee]

Paddy took his mate Tommy to the betting shop for the first time and showed him how to play some of the machines. After a while Tommy said he'd got the hang of it and went to try one on his own.

"Whoopee, I broke even on this one" Tommy shouted.

Paddy walked over and said "Tommy, that's the change machine."

[john.b74]

PREGNANCY Q & A & more!

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor,
but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

[cee-dee]

Mick and Tommy were re-roofing a house. They were up and down the scaffold all day but when Mick was nailing some slates while Tommy brought up some replacements, he dropped one and it sliced off Tommy's ear.

Mick dashed down the ladder to check on Tommy who was looking for his ear. Mick found it "I've got it Tommy" he shouted.

Tommy replied "That's not mine, mine had a pencil behind it".

[john.b74]

I took my ten year old son swimming today.

I said, "if you can make it to the other side i'll buy you an xbox for Christmas”

So off he went but after a while he disappeared....

I still don't know if he's made it to France or not??

[cee-dee]

Tommy went to the stables to buy a horse. "I want one that can run fast" he told the stable owner, Shifty Sherlock.

“Listen here” said Shifty, “I’ve got just the horse you're looking for, the only thing is, he was trained by an wierd chap. He doesn’t go and stop the usual way. The way to get him to stop is to scream heyhey. The way to get him to go is to scream Thank God."

Tommy nodded his head, “Fine with me, I can live with that, can I take him for a test run?”

Tommy was having the time of his life, "this horse sure can run" he thought to himself. Tommy was speeding down the dirt road when he suddenly saw a cliff up ahead “stop!” he screamed, but the horse kept on going. No matter how much he tried he could not remember the words to get it to stop. “yoyo” screamed Tommy but the horse just kept on speeding ahead. It was 5 feet from the cliff when he suddenly remembered and screamed “heyhey!”. The horse skidded to a halt just 1 inch from the cliff.

Tommy could not believe his good fortune, he looked up to the sky, raise his hands in the air, breathed a deep sigh of relief and said with conviction “Thank God.”

[joe_bloggs*]

A young male streaker ran past 2 old ladies on Tynemouth Sea Front earlier, one had a stroke and the other one couldn't reach....

[john.b74]

Woman went into the Chemist for Cyanide to Kill her Husband. The Chemist said he could not sell her any. She produced a photo of the Chemists wife in bed with her husband. The Chemist said Ok now you have a prescription.!!

[john.b74]

I caught a spider earlier yesterday. My wife said, "Don't kill it, take it out". So I did...

He's actually a really nice spider. His name is Simon and he's hoping to become a web designer!
............................................................................................
i had to go to the doctor the other day (I walked there as it was a dry day). i crossed the road and was hit by a car. I picked myself up and carried on. I crossed another side road and was hit by a bus. I picked myself up and had to cross the road leading to the surgery and was hit by a taxi. when i got to see the doctor he asked what was wrong so i said im feeling really run down today