JOKES

[tommy.irene]

LETS START 2014 OF WITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

[john.b74]

A young bride was scouring the aisles of the supermarket. Up and down each aisle she went, then started over again. The store manager noticed this and went over to her.

-“Can I help you find something, miss?” he asked.

-“It’s Mrs.,” she said proudly, “I just got married.”

-“Congratulations,” said the manager. “What can I help you find?”

-“Scratch,” she replied.

-“Scratch?” he asked, “Is that a new cleanser or something?”

-“No silly,” she replied brightly. “My husband told me that his mother made everything from scratch, so I need to find some!”

[john.b74]

A woman whose fondness for the good life had taken its toll in added pounds – and girth – was being shown a Jeep by a salesman at an auto dealership.

When the salesman’s pitch had run its course, he sought to close with the typical line, “Now what would it take to get you into one of these?”

Looking at the Jeep’s high front seat, the woman replied, “Probably a crowbar.”

[john.b74]

A flat-chested woman was delighted when her fairy-god mother said her breasts would increase in size each time a man says, “Pardon” to her.

She walked down the sidewalk, accidentally bumped into a man and he said, “Pardon me.” Her breasts instantly grew an inch and she was ecstatic.

The next day, she bumped into a man in the grocery store, he begged her pardon and another inch was added to her breasts.

She was in seventh heaven!

She walked into a Chinese restaurant, collided with a waiter who bowed and said, “A thousand pardons for my clumsy behavior.”

The next day, the headline in the local newspaper says, “Chinese Waiter Crushed to Death!”

[john.b74]

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Appleby almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the county of Cumbria?

And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 125,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

[cee-dee]

A country cottage right in the middle of a lovely Irish village stood empty and derelict for many years. The garden had become completely overgrown and looked like a wild jungle.

Well, our friend Tommy bought it and spent a fortune and ages doing it up before he finally turned his attention to the garden which he transformed in to a superb example of a cottage garden with myriads of beautiful flowers.

One day Tommy was working in the garden when the local priest walked past, saw Tommy and said "My son, you and god have done wonderful work here."

Tommy stared at the priest then said "Huh, you should have seen it when he had it all to himself".

[john.b74]

The fourth-grade teacher had to leave the room for a few minutes. When she returned, she found the children in perfect order. Everybody was sitting absolutely quiet.

She was shocked and stunned and said, “I’ve never seen anything like it before. This is wonderful. But, please tell me, what came over all of you? Why are you so well behaved and quiet?”

Finally, after much urging, little Sally spoke up and said, “Well, one time you said that if you ever came back and found us quiet, you would drop dead.”

[john.b74]

This guy walks into a bar with this really great shirt on. The bartender goes, "Where'd you get the great shirt mate?" The man replies, "David Jones." This 2nd guy walks into the bar with really good pants on and the bartender goes "Where'd you get the great pants mate?" The man replies, " David Jones." This 3rd guy walks into the bar with really great shoes and socks on. The bartender goes, "Where'd you get the great shoes and socks mate?" The man replies, "David Jones." Then this 4th guy runs in naked and the bartender goes, "Look, who the hell are you mate?" And the naked guy says, "I'm David Jones!"

[john.b74]

A woman went to the Governor about getting an early release for her husband who was serving time in prison.

-“What’s he in for?” asked the Governor.

-“For stealing some ham.”

-“That doesn’t sound too bad. Is he a good worker?”

-“No, I couldn’t say that. He’s very lazy.”

-“Oh… well, he’s good to you and the children, isn’t he?”

-“No, he is not. He’s very mean to us if you want to know the truth.”

-“Why would you want a man like that out of prison?”

-“Well, Governor, we’ve been out of ham for quite some time.”

[john.b74]

Sam consistently caught more fish than anyone else. Whereas the other guys would only catch three or four a day, Sam would come in off the lake with a boat full. Stringer after stringer was always packed with freshl trout. The warden, curious, asked Sam his secret. The successful fisherman invited the game warden to accompany him and observe.

So the next morning the two met at the dock and took off in Sam’s boat. When they got to the middle of the lake, they stopped the boat and the warden sat back to see how it was done. Sam’s approach was simple. He took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the air. The explosion rocked the lake with such a force that dead fish immediately began to surface. Sam took out a net and started scooping them up. Well, you can imagine the reaction of the game warden. When he recovered from the shock of it all, he began yelling at Sam. “You can’t do this! I’ll put you in jail, buddy! You will be paying every fine there is in the book!”

Sam, meanwhile, set his net down and took out another stick of dynamite. He lit it and threw it in the lap of the game warden with these words, “Are you going to sit there all day complaining or are you going to fish?”

[john.b74]

This is a hoot but close to the truth of today's kids, their cell
phones and tablets.
Daughter texting to dad:
Daddy, I am coming home to get married soon, so get out your check
book.
I am in love with a boy who is far away from me. As you know, I am in
Australia and he lives in Scotland. We met on a dating website, became
friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp, he proposed to me on
Skype, and now we have had two months of relationship through Viber.
My beloved and favorite Dad, I need your blessing, good wishes and a
really
big wedding". Lots of love and thanks. Your favorite daughter, Lilly.
Dad’s reply also by texting:
My dear Lilly … Like Wow! Really? Cool! Whatever! I suggest you two get
married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay
for it all through Paypal. And when you get fed up with this new
husband,
sell him on eBay.
Dad

[john.b74]

Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.

"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" says the first.

"It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of d
rift off, as if you're sleeping. How did you die?" says the second.

"I had a heart attack", says the first guy. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second man shakes his head. "that's so ironic" he says.

"What do you mean?" asks the first man.

"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive!

[john.b74]

A ranch had two horses and couldn’t tell them apart… …so they tied a ribbon to one of the horses and for a time, they could tell them apart.

But then the horse pulled off the ribbon, so then they shaved the mane of one of the horses and for a time, they could tell them apart.

But then the mane grew back, so then they cut the tail off of one of the horses and for a time, they could tell them apart.

But then the tail grew back.

So finally, they measured, and they found the white horse was 6 inches taller than the black horse.

[john.b74]

And it came to pass that an angel came up to three newly-dead men and said - "You are all to be allocated a method for transportation around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly."

The angel looked at the first guy, Dave, and said- "You, Dave, were a bad man in life. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat-up Dodge."

The angel next looked at the second guy, Jon, and said- "You were not as sinful, but you still cheated on your wife twice. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota station wagon."


The angel finally looked at our hero, Sam, and said- "You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife. For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari."

A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sam's Ferrari. There he is, sitting on the bonnet, his head in his hands, crying.

"What's wrong, Sam?" they asked. "You got the Ferrari! You're set forever! Why so down?"

Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth, and said, "I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard."

[john.b74]

The current banking crisis explained by an Irishman

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for €100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.' Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.' The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.' Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.' The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?' Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.' The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!' Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, ' What happened with that dead donkey?' Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at €2 each and made a profit of €898.' The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?' Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his €2 back.'

Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland .

[john.b74]

A lady called up a pet store and said, “I’d like to order 2,000 cockroaches.”

-“What in the world do you want with 2,000 cockroaches?” asked the astonished clerk.

-“Well,” she replied, “I am moving today, and my lease says I must leave the premises in exactly the same condition I found it.”

[john.b74]

A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.

After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it. The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.

Then he decided to look through the window. He shouted, “Do you think I’m stupid? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door.”

I said, “You’re not coming in mate!”

He said, “I don’t want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car.”

[john.b74]

A blonde and her boyfriend go on a date to a steakhouse and the blonde mentions how healthy she is, and is making sure to listen to her doctor about what types of food she eats.

The boyfriend doesn’t care much, and orders a New York Strip, medium rare. The blonde orders the same steak, but cooked well done. When the food arrives, the boyfriend’s steak is deliciously juicy and plump and is basically bleeding on the plate. The blonde’s steak, however, is flat and dry, burnt to a crisp.

The blonde longingly stares at her boyfriend’s medium rare steak and keeps saying how good it looks. The boyfriend, confused, asks her if she likes the medium rare steak so much, why she didn’t just order hers the same way, instead of getting hers totally black and burnt. The blonde replies, “Oh, well I can’t because my doctor says I shouldn’t eat red meat”.

[john.b74]

Just to let you know I’m in the hospital.

I’m at the emergency room. Not a good way to end the day. I decided to go horseback riding, something I haven’t done in at least 15 years. It was just so pretty outside and I wanted to do something I haven’t done in quite a while to get me motivated and get out of this ‘funk’! It turned out to be a big mistake! I got on the horse and started out slow, but then we went a little faster before I knew it, we were going as fast as the horse could go. I couldn’t take the pace and fell off but caught my foot in the stirrup with the horse dragging me. It wouldn’t stop.

Thank goodness the manager at Toys-R-Us came out and unplugged the machine. But he had the nerve to take the rest of my quarters so I wouldn’t attempt to ride the Elephant!

[john.b74]

A man was having an affair with another woman and his wife found out about it, so she told him, “If you don’t end it now I’m going to go downtown to the post office where you work and tell everyone I see that you’re a no good cheating filthy swine.”

The husband replied, “You’re going to go downtown to the post office where I work and tell everyone you see that I’m a no-good cheating filthy swine?”

She said, “Yeah, that’s right”.

The husband held out an envelope and said, “Post this while you’re there.”

[john.b74]

911, can I help you?

Hello! Help! “Send someone over quickly!” the old woman screamed into the phone. “Two naked bikers are climbing up toward my bedroom window!”

-“This is the Fire Department, lady,” the voice replied. “I’ll have to transfer you to the Police Department.”

-“No, it’s YOU I want!” she yelled. “They need a longer ladder!”