JOKES

[tommy.irene]

LETS START 2014 OF WITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

[john.b74]

.Have You Ever Heard The Term ‘**bleep** Poor?’ I Had No Idea It Comes From THIS! Fascinating!
We can learn a lot about ourselves by looking to the past. History not only provides us with a nostalgic glimpse at how things used to be — like with these classic childhood toys — but its lessons can still teach us things today.Many of us fondly refer to “the good old days” when times were purer and life was simpler.
They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot. Once a day it was taken and sold to the tannery.
If you had to do this to survive, you were “**bleep** poor.”
But worse than that were the really poor folks who couldn’t even afford to buy a pot. They “didn’t have a pot to **bleep** in” and were considered the lowest of the low.
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and they still smelled pretty good by June.
However, since they were starting to smell, brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.
Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water.
The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women, and finally the children. Last of all the babies.
By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, “Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water!”
Houses had thatched roofs with thick straw-piled high and no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof.
When it rained, it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying, “It’s raining cats and dogs.”
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed.
Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That’s how canopy beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the term, “dirt poor.”
The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing.
As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way.
Hence, “a thresh hold.”
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day, they lit the fire and added things to the pot.
They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day.
Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, “Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.”
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off.
It was a sign of wealth that a man could “bring home the bacon.” They would cut off a little to share with guests, and would all sit around and “chew the fat.”
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death.
This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the “upper crust.”
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days.
Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.
They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up.
Hence the custom of holding a “wake.”
In old, small villages, local folks started running out of places to bury people.
So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave.
When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside, and they realized they had been burying people alive.
So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.
Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (“the graveyard shift”) to listen for the bell.
Thus, someone could be “saved by the bell,” or was considered a “dead ringer.”
Now, whoever said history was boring?

[littleme61_6]

Interesting reading all these. Amazing what happened a lot in those days gone by. 

So pleased by the time I was born the bathing system was not like it was way back then. Surely by the time the baby was bathed the water would have been cold as anything, and worse still yucky to be bathed in. 

[cee-dee]

Tommy died in a road accident and found himself walking down a lonely road. He found his dog, Boozo, walking next to him. Tommy remembered Boozo dying many years back, and realized they were in the afterlife. He wondered where the road would lead to.
They arrived at a glorious big white gate and walked to the man guarding it.
Tommy asked the man, “What is this place called?”
The man replied, “This is Heaven.”
Tommy asked, “Can we have some water to drink?”
The man replied, “Yes, of course. Go straight ahead and take a left. You will find a water cooler there.”
Tommy gestured towards the dog and asked, “Can Boozo here come in too?”
The man said, “I am sorry but we do not allow pets.”
Tommy thought for a moment, nodded to the man and turned back toward the road with Boozo in tow.
They walked for a long time, and came across a dirt road which lead to a farm with no gate. A man was relaxing on a chair, his face covered with a straw hat.
Tommy approached the man and asked if he could get some water.
The man replied, “Sure, there’s a pump in the corner. Help yourself.”
-“What about my friend here?”, Tommy asked, “Can he join me?”
The man replied, “That’s no problem, you should find a bowl by the pump.”
Tommy thanked him and walked up to the pump. He quenched his thirst and also gave Boozo water in the bowl to drink.
When they were ready to go, Tommy asked the man, “What is this place?”.
The man replied, “This is Heaven”.
Tommy was confused and asked,
-“Well, I went to another place and they also called themselves Heaven.”
The man replied, “Oh, that fancy place with the big white gate? That’s hell.”
Tommy said, “I am sure you are upset with those people using your name.”
The man said,
-“No, in fact, we are pleased that they weed out the people who leave their best friends behind.”

[john.b74]

One day The guru told the disciple :
Go to the rose garden and come back with the tallest rose plant. One condition is that you should not come back the same path you took while going.
The disciple went to the garden and came back empty handed. When asked why, the disciple gave his answer:
As I went in, I saw a tall beautiful tree. But, I kept going on for the next tree expecting a better tree. But moving forward, I came across only smaller plants and since, I cannot trace the path back, I had to return empty handed.
The guru said: this is *Love*😄
Then he said: now go to the sunflower garden and bring the most beautiful sunflower plant.
Now the additional condition is that once you pluck a sunflower plant, you can't pluck another.
Now the disciple goes into the garden and comes back quickly with a plant. The guru asks, is this the most beautiful plant?
The disciple says: No guru. Based on my previous experience, I did not want to miss and hence, I took the first plant which looked beautiful to me. On the way back, I saw more beautiful plants but since I was not allowed to pick another plant, I came back with the plant, I had originally picked.
The guru smiled and said: this is *Marriage*...

[john.b74]

The 12 Types of People on E bay
1) The "Lurker" - Never posts anything or comments on your post, but reads everything, and might make reference to your status if they see you in public.
2) The "Hyena" - Doesn't ever really say anything, just LOLs and LMAOs at everything.
... 
3) "Mr/Ms Popular" - Has 4367 friends for NO reason.
4) The "Prophet" - Every post makes reference to God or Jesus.
5) The "Thief" - Steals status updates... and will probably steal this one.
6) The "Liker" - Never actually says anything, but always clicks the "like" button.
7) The "Hater" - Every post revolves around someone hating on them, and they swear people are trying to ruin their life.
😎 The "Anti-Proofreader" - This person would benefit greatly from Spellcheck, and sometimes you feel bad for them because you don't know if they were typing fast, or really cant spell.
9) "Drama Queen/King" - This person always posts stuff like "I can't believe this!", or "They're gonna make me snap today!", in the hopes that you will ask what happened, or what's wrong...but then they never finish telling the story!
10) "Womp Womp" - This person consistently tries to be funny...but never is.
11) The "News" - Always updates you on what they are doing and who they are doing it with, no matter how arbitrary
12) The "Rooster" - Feels that it is their job to tell E bay "Good Morning" every day.
-Which one are you?

[john.b74]

A Scottish soldier in full dress uniform walks into a chemist, and from his sporran pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana. He unfolds this, and reveals a neatly folded square silk handkerchief. He unfolds this to reveal a condom, with several patches. He asks the chemist, 'how much to repair this', The chemist says '6 pence,' he then asks 'how much for a new one', the chemist says '10 pence'. He folds the condom back into the silk and the cotton, and goes outside.
A moment later the chemist hears a great shout, followed by an even greater one. The soldier marches back in and addresses the chemist, with a big satisfied grin on his face. 'The regiment has taken a vote, we'll have a new one.'

[john.b74]

So there I was sat in my van. I had kept the house under surveillance for about an hour. Then there was movement at the front door.I hunched down as much as I could in the van so the woman wouldn’t see me. As she walked up the road and turned the corner I slowly, carefully exited the van. I crossed the road, nervously, aware that at any time someone could notice me or the woman from the house could come back. I launched myself over the garden wall and fell to the ground. My heart was beating in anticipation of someone shouting out to me. I crawled slowly to the door. Once there I looked around once more to check my surroundings. Then I lifted the letterbox slowly and quietly. Once my work was done, I slowly closed the letter box aware that any sound might disturb someone and make them come to the door. I then jumped up and ran for my life, jumped into the van and drove off at speed away from the scene. And another ‘Sorry you were out’ card is successfully delivered. Proud to be Royal Mail..

[cee-dee]

Tommy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So, when Tommy's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Tommy, stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Tommy went to see his grandmother. 'Nana,' he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like me father, his father, and his father before him?"

His Nana looked deeply into Tommy's troubled brown eyes and said, "Because yer father, yer grandfather and yer great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, ya eejit!"

[john.b74]

Three men were discussing aging on the steps of the nursing home.

"Sixty is the worst age to be," announced the 60 year old. "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70 year old. "When you're 70, you can't take a **bleep** anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran - you sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out!"

"Actually," said the eighty year old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing too?", asked the sixty year old.

"No ... not really. I pee every morning at 6AM. I pee like a race horse - no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble taking a **bleep**?"
asked the 70 year old.

"No, not really. I have a great bowel movement every morning at 6:30."

With great exasperation, the 60 year old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at six o'clock and take a **bleep** every morning at six thirty. What's so tough about bein eighty?"

To which the eighty year old replied,
"I don't wake up until ten!"

..

[cee-dee]

Tommy arrived at Boston's Logon airport and wandered about the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. 

A bloke asked him if he was homesick.

'No,' replied Tommy. 'It's worse, I've lost all me luggage.'

'That's terrible, how did that happen?'

'The cork fell out of me bottle', said Tommy.

[cee-dee]

Tommy lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. 

One day the dog died, and Tommy went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' A mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Tommy said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think *€5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary and Joseph. Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"

[john.b74]

.

75 year old woman went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor told her she needed more activity and recommended sex three times a week. She said to the doctor: "Please, tell my husband."
The doctor goes out in the waiting room and tells the husband that his wife needs to have sex three times a week.
The 80 year old husband replies: "Which days?"
The doctor says, "How about Monday, Wednesday and Friday."
The husband says, "I can bring her Monday and Wednesday, but on Fridays she`ll have to take the bus."

[john.b74]

Spoiler

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch he asks the little old lady why they don’t eat the peanuts themselves.

-‘We can’t chew them because we’ve got no teeth’, she replied.

The puzzled driver asks,

-‘Then why do you buy them then?’

The old lady replied,

-‘We just love the chocolate around them.’

 .

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch he asks the little old lady why they don’t eat the peanuts themselves.

-‘We can’t chew them because we’ve got no teeth’, she replied.

The puzzled driver asks,

-‘Then why do you buy them then?’

The old lady replied,

-‘We just love the chocolate around them.’

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch he asks the little old lady why they don’t eat the peanuts themselves.

-‘We can’t chew them because we’ve got no teeth’, she replied.

The puzzled driver asks,

-‘Then why do you buy them then?’

The old lady replied,

-‘We just love the chocolate around them.’

[john.b74]

..A pirate went to see the doctor about the moles on his back.
"I wouldn't worry about it," said the doctor, "They're benign."
"Count 'em again doc," said the pirate, "You'll find there be ten."

[cee-dee]

I first met Fergal O'Reilly when I was in St Peter's Hospital, Chertsey, England. He was in the same ward as me and was lying, quite still, in the bed next to me when I awoke early on that Friday morning.

I was taken aback because he was swathed in bandages from head to toe, with just two little slits for his eyes and this made it difficult to engage him in conversation.

However, later that same day, his best friend, Tommy Murphy, came in to visit O'Reilly and I listened in to their conversation which went as follows:-

"What happened to you Fergal?" asked Tommy.

"I staggered out of The Invincible pub, in Shepperton Road, and a lorry hit me a glancing blow and knocked me through the Co-op's plate glass window," mumbled O'Reilly.'

"Begorrah," exclaimed Tommy in his broad accent, "It's a good job you were wearing all those bandages or you'd have been cut to ribbons!"

[john.b74]

Dear Son,
I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.
It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.
The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funderal bill, up she comes.
About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.
Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safery. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.
Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.
Love, Ma

[john.b74]

Dear Son,
I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.
It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.
The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funderal bill, up she comes.
About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.
Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safery. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.
Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.
Love, Ma

[cee-dee]

The teacher was asking the kids some simple arithmetic.

The teacher asked Tommy "If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits do you have?"

Tommy answered: "Five."

Teacher: "No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?"

Tommy said: "Five."

The teacher was exasperated: "Let's try this another way. If I give you two bottles of pop and then I give you another two bottles of pop, how many bottles of pop have you got?"

Tommy: "Four."

The teacher was pleased: "Good! Now we're getting somewhere, if I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?"

Tommy: "Five".

Totally flummoxed, the teacher asked: "How on earth do you work out that two lots of two rabbits is five?"

Tommy said: "I've already got one rabbit at home!"

[cee-dee]

Tommy and Brendan go out into the woods, they come a clearing and see an abandoned well.

Tommy said 'I wonder how deep that well is?'

Brendan replied, 'There's one way we could figure it out'.

Tommy asked, 'What's that?'

Brendan suggested, 'We drop something down it, we time how long it takes to hit the bottom, you multiply that time 32 feet per second squared, the rate at which objects fall in a vacuum, subtract a little for wind resistance and we've got the depth of the well'.

Tommy asked, ' What are you going to drop down it?' 

Then Brendan looked all around and he saw this big heavy log lying on the ground.  Next he squats down by the log and, using his legs correctly, he gets it up onto his shoulders and staggers over to the edge of the well, tips it up, drops it into the well and they start to count, 'One hippopotamus, two hippopotamus, three .................... SPLASH!!!!

Tommy said, 'Three seconds!'

Brendan said, 'Quick, multiply that time 32 feet per second squared!'

Tommy, being a quick thinker said '288 feet. Subtract a little for wind resistance, let's say 18 feet. The depth of that well is 270 feet deep'.

As he finished the calculation Tommy shouted, 'LOOK OUT!!' and he pushed Brendan backwards and a goat ran between them and jumped head first down the well.

'My God, I've never seen anything like that' said Tommy.

Just then a farmer walks into the clearing and said, 'What's going on here boys?'

Brendan answered, 'We just figured out the depth of this well to be about 270 feet deep and then the strangest thing happened. A goat ran between the two of us and jumped head first down into the well.'

The farmer says, 'Thank heaven it wasn't one of my goats.'

 'How do you know it wasn't?' Tommy asked.

And the farmer says, 'Because all of my goats are tethered to big heavy logs.'