JOKES

[tommy.irene]

LETS START 2014 OF WITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

[tommy.irene]

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop." Customer: "Ok." Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"Customer: "No." Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?" Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."

[tommy.irene]

A cannibal visited the witch doctor with a serious skin rash. The doctor gave him a small pot of grease to rub on. He returned next week completely cured. " Wonderful stuff what is it" he said "My best friend died . I boiled him in a pot for six days then skimmed the grease off" he replied. " What do you call it?" Said the cannibal. " Pal o' mine lotion" replied the witch doctor.

[tommy.irene]

Liverpool police pulled up a Scouser in a Jag last night, they checked the car out and found it was registered, warranted, insured and was in fact owned by the Scouser. So they checked him out. He had a drivers licence, no points on it, no warrants for arrest and no criminal record. So they drug tested him. Results were negative. So they breath tested him. Results were negative... So they arrested him and charged him with wasting Police time!!..

[tommy.irene]

An Antartican suddenly realizes his house is on fire. He immediately dials 9-1-1. The fireman answers, "Yes may I help you?" The Antartican replies, "My house is on fire, come quick!!!" The fireman asks, "How do we get there?" The Antartican says, "In the big red truck!"

[tommy.irene]

“Is there anything wrong?” asked bartender of the young, well-dressed customer who sat staring grimly into his drink. “Two months ago my grandfather died and left me one- hundred thousand dollars” said the man. “That doesn’t sound like anything to be upset about,” said the bartender. “It should happen to me.” “Yeah,” said the sour young man, “but last month an uncle on my father’s side passed away. He left me ninety-five thousand dollars.” “So why are you sitting here looking so unhappy?” Asked the bartender. “This month – so far – not a cent.”

[tommy.irene]

A noted heart surgeon was having a formal party. Shortly before the guests were to begin arriving he was told that all the bathrooms were backed up and not flushing. Quickly he called a 24 hour plumber listed in the phone book. The plumber arrived quickly and within 15 minutes told the surgeon that all was well. He gave his bill to the heart surgeon and the surgeon exclaimed, "$900! You were only here 15 minutes! I'm a heart surgeon and even I can't charge that much"! The plumber quietly replied, “Neither could I when I was a heart surgeon".

[tommy.irene]

A man mentioned to his landlord about the tenants in the apartment over his. “Many a night they stamp on the floor and shout till midnight.” When the landlord asked if it bothered him, he replied, “Not really, for I usually stay up and practice my trumpet till about that time most every night anyway.”

[blackburn_stevie]

Those that drink and racist scum.

The drinkers can drink until they fall over and where's the harm in that, and and the other kind can be racist untl either they fall over or they go back to where they come from. lol

[tommy.irene]

A little boy asked his dad for a dollar to give to a little old lady in the park. His father impress by his son’s kindness, gave him the dollar. “There you are my son,” said the father. “But, tell me, isn’t the little lady able to work any more? “She sells candy” was the boy’s reply.

[tommy.irene]

What do we get from the hen?" asks the teacher. "Eggs," says Little Susie. "Good. And what do we get from the sheep?" "Wool," says Little Susie. "Good. And what do we get from the cow?" " homework," says Little Johnny:

[tommy.irene]

Q: Do you know why dogs don't dance? A: They have two left feet! ...........................................A man looking for love sent his picture to the Lonely Hearts Club. The reply came back, “We are not that lonely.”

[tommy.irene]

A guest in a posh hotel comes down to breakfast and called over the head waiter and read from the menu “I’d like one under cooked egg so that it’s running, and one over cooked egg that it’s tough and hard to eat. I’d also like grilled bacon which is a bit on the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer so that it’s impossible to spread, and a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee.” that’s a complicated order sir, said the bewildered waiter. “It might be quite difficult.” The guest replied sarcastically, “It can’t be that difficult because that’s exactly what you brought me yesterday!”

[tommy.irene]

There was a farmer who had a horse and a goat. One day, the horse became ill. So he called the veterinarian, who said, "Well, your horse has a virus. He must take this medicine for three days. I'll come back on the third day and if he's not better, we're going to have kill her." Nearby, the goat listened closely to their conversation. The next day, they gave the horse the medicine and left. The goat approached the horse and said, “Be strong, my friend. Get up or else they're going to kill you!” On the second day, they again gave the horse the medicine and left. The goat came back and said, "Come on buddy, get up or else you're going to die! Come on, I'll help you get up. Let's go! One, two, three..." On the third day, they came to give the horse the medicine and the vet said, "Unfortunately, we're going to have to kill her tomorrow. Otherwise, the virus might spread and infect the other horses." After they left, the goat approached the horse and said, "Listen pal, it's now or never! Get up, come on! Have courage! Come on... Get up... Get up... That's it, slowly... Great! Come on, one, two, three... Good, good. Now faster, come on... Fantastic! Run, run more! Yes! Yes! Yes! You did it, you're a champion!" All of a sudden, the owner came back, saw the horse running in the field and began shouting, "It's a miracle! My horse is cured. We must have a grand party." He called his servant, "Tunde, kill and prepare the goat!" Now

[tommy.irene]

Warm today.

[tommy.irene]

One morning the lion is feeling especially ferocious. He saunters over to a monkey swinging in a tree and roars, "Who's the king of this jungle?" The monkey scampers down from the tree, bows to the lion and stammered, "Wh..wh...why you are Mr. Lion." A few minutes later, the lion comes across a warthog. He stops in front of the animal and asks, "Who's the baddest dude in this jungle?" The warthog hid his face in the dirt and whispered, "You're the baddest, King Lion." This continues all morning long with animal after animal bowing and scraping to the lion. Finally the lion comes across an 80-year-old bull elephant. He bellows at the elephant, "Who's the king of this jungle? Who owns this place?" With that the elephant wrapped his trunk around the lion's belly. He raised the lion 12 feet in the air and slammed his head against the ground. After that he slammed the lion into a tree on the right and then into another tree on the left. Finally, the elephant swung his trunk and threw the lion 35 feet away where the lion landed in a thorn bush. As the elephant lumbered down the trail the lion shook his paw and shouted, "Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get an attitude!"

[tommy.irene]

After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question, "When you"re lying in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow." The last guy thinks for a moment, and then replies, "I guess I"d like to hear them say, " he"s moving!""

[tommy.irene]

Why is the mistletoe hanging over the baggage counter?” asked the airline passenger, amid the holiday rush. The clerk replied, “It’s so you can kiss your luggage good-bye.”

[tommy.irene]

A student burst into his professor’s office and says; "Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me." To which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award."

[tommy.irene]

Twelve places you won't find a Facebook logo on the window: 1) The city morgue 2) A gynecologist 3) A proctologist 4) A urologist 5) A tow truck company 6) The coliseum in 50 A.D. 7) A self esteem weekly group meeting. 😎 A collection agency 9) A marriage counselor 10) A funeral home 11) Alcoholics Anonymous 12) The IRS

[tommy.irene]

Why is it called a 'Picnic'? Betty Sue wanted to eat outside on a hot summer day with her boyfriend. Problem: she had two boyfriends, Fred and Nick. Considering she knew she wouldn't have a very happy lunch if the two boys were arguing, she decided just to choose one boy to have the meal. She Picked Nick..