JOKES

[tommy.irene]

LETS START 2014 OF WITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

[tommy.irene]

Dear Redneck son, I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last North Carolina family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well, though. Last week, I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week: the first time for three days and the second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send: your uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them them off and drowned. We had him cremated. He burned for three days. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened. Your favorite aunt, Mom!!..

[tommy.irene]

Neighbours!!! There is a huge house in our street. The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of irritable dogs allowed to run without leads. Her car isn't taxed or insured and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing. To the best of my knowledge, she has never worked in her life. Her bad-tempered old man is notorious for his racist comments.. A shopkeeper blamed him for arranging the murder of his son and his son's girl-friend, but nothing has ever been proved. All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay. Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always out partying in nightclubs. It is not known if they have the same father. They are both out of control. I hate living near Buckingham Palace!!.

[tommy.irene]

Hawk and Tom were talking in the bar. Hawk said," I just got kicked off the course for breaking 60." Tom looked at him, amazed. " Breaking 60? That's amazing!" Hawk smiled and said," Yeah, I never knew a golf cart could go that fast!"

[tommy.irene]

One day as Monica Lewinsky was walking along the beach awaiting her Senate trial testimony, she came upon an ornate bottle that had washed up on shore. Curious, she picked it up, brushed off the sand, and lo and behold a genie popped out. "Greetings, Miss Lewinsky," the genie said. "Since you have released me, I will grant you one wish." "Well," Monica replied, "I'm going to be on television a lot for a while, and I want to look my best. I wish you would get rid of these love handles." "Your wish is my command," said the genie. A wave of his hands, a puff of smoke... And her ears promptly fell off!!.

[tommy.irene]

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??" "No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??" "But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."

[right-then-petal]

Memorial Stone (S321)
          From: JBCARY1 on 3/24/2003
 A woman's husband dies.  He has only $20,000 to his
 name.  After everything is done at the funeral home
 and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there
 is no money left.

 The friend says "How can that be?  You told me he still
 had $20,000 left a few days before he died.  How can
 you be broke?"

 The widow says, "Well, the funeral home cost me $6,000.
 And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation to
 the temple, so that was another $2,000.  The rest went
 for the memorial stone.

 The friend says, $12,000 for the memorial stone?  My
 God, how big was it?"

 Extending her left hand, the widow says, "Three carats."

[cee-dee]

Tommy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.

A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.  Tommy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.  Cop says “For goodness sake Tommy, that’s your air freshener swinging about!”

[cee-dee]

Willow, the Irish girl knelt in the confessional and said, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.”

“What is it, child?” asked the Priest.

The girl said, “Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am.”

The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, “My dear, I have good news. That isn’t a sin – it’s only a mistake.”

[cee-dee]

Tommy is speeding down Molls Gap, when Willow comes hurtling round the corner. He swerves to avoid her, but as she passes she leans out the window and screams ‘PIG!’

Astonished, Tommy turns and yells back, ‘COW!’ When he reaches the bend he crashes into a pig.......

Stand by, it won't be long now.......

[cee-dee]

A cop pulled up a drunken Irish couple, and asked to the first, “What’s your name and address?”

“I’m Tommy O'Jokah, of no fixed address.”

The cop turned to the second drunk, and asked the same question. “I’m Willow McFecker, and I live in the flat above Tommy.”

It won't be long now...............

[cee-dee]

Tommy O'Jokah was a solicitor talking to his client, Willow McFecker "Well, Mrs. McFecker, so you want a divorce? Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?"
"Oh, no," replied Mrs. McFecker. "Shure now, we have a carport."
Tommy tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?"
"No, no," She replied, looking puzzled. "Oi'm always first out of bed."
Still hopeful, Tommy tried once again.
"What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have."
"Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat - not even a window box, let alone grounds."
"Mrs. McFecker," Tommy said with considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?"
"Ah, well now," Willow replied, "Shure it's because Finbar can't hold an intelligent conversation."

On your marks, just a little while longer and he'll be here.

[tommy.irene]

Old Man on moped and young man in new Ferrari A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light. An old man on a moped pulls up next to him.The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya’got there, sonny?”The young man replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!” “That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?” “Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!” states the young dude proudly.The moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?” “No problem,” replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then sitting back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right…but I’ll stick with my moped.” Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 6 seconds the speedometer reads 60mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!!!! “What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!” the young man asks himself.He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped. Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari he gives it some more gas and passes the moped. He looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again.Astounded by the speed of this old guy he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.Not ten seconds later he sees the moped bearing down on him again. The Ferrari is flat out and there’s nothing he can do. Suddenly the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear.The young man jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive!!! He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my goodness! Is there anything I can do for you?” The old man whispers…. Unhook …my suspenders from your side-view mirror!!.

[cee-dee]

Told ya it wouldn't be long

[tommy.irene]

Little Johnny was playing in his room when his dad walked in and explained that he and his mom were getting a divorce. "Why Daddy?" asked a confused Little Johnny. "Well, son" he explained, "Your mother and I are no longer in love." Now more confused, Little Johnny asked, "What does being in love mean?" "Let me give you an example, son. Love is when a husband rushes home from a long day at work to embrace and kiss his wife at the door. Your mom and I have lost that love." "But Daddy, I see Mommy getting excited lots of times right when you come home, so she must still be in love with you." "I don't understand, son. When has your mother recently been excited when I arrive home from work?" "Well, sometimes when Mommy is still sleeping in bed with the neighbour, and you pull into the driveway, she shouts at the top of her lungs, 'My husband's home! My husband's home!!

[tommy.irene]

Jack goes to his friend Mike and says ... "I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?" The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees. After mass, he starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to. Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the priest... "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied." The priest smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says... "You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago

[tommy.irene]

During the initial space flights, Nasa discovered that biro pens didn’t work under zero gravity conditions. To beat the problem, Nasa spent 6 years and $2 million in designing a pen for use in space. The pen would work under zero gravity conditions due to the pressurized ink inside, it would work under sub zero conditions, underwater, on glass and virtually any surface known to man. The Russians used a pencil.

[tommy.irene]

A man goes into a bar and orders double bourbon. He takes a sip of the drink and says to the bartender: "I shouldn’t be drinking this with what I’ve got." The bartender says: "What have you got". The man replies: "30 pence".

[irene.tommy]

The "car way" of telling how far the relationship is: -- Trying to impress the woman: unlocks and opens the door, waits for her to get inside, closes her door behind her -- Dating: the guy unlocks her door and then goes around to his side to get in -- Engaged: The man opens his door leans over and unlocks her door and opens it. -- Married: The man gets in to the driver's seat, unlocks the doors, and says "Aren't you getting in?"

[tommy.irene]

The Greece Bailout Explained................. It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit. On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night. The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel. The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna. The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit. The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note. The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town. No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism. And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how the Greek bailout package works!!

[tommy.irene]

Valuable piece of info' . Did you know that every 30 days it is necessary to clean the computer screen from the inside? Many people ignore this fact and do not know how. Manufacturers take advantage of this ignorance to increase their sales. My IT guy shared this and said feel free to share with my contacts this utility. To clean the screen from the inside - just click this link: http://www.lingdao.fr/outils/nettoyeurecran/cleanscreen.swf