JOKES

[tommy.irene]

LETS START 2014 OF WITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

[tommy.irene]

A married couple, both avid golfers, was discussing the future one night. "Honey", the wife said, "if I were to die and you were to remarry, would you two live in this house?" "I suppose so - it's paid for." "How about our car? Continued the woman. "Would the two of you keep that? "I suppose so - it's paid for." "What about my golf clubs? Would you let her use them too? "Heck, no," the husband blurted out. "She is left-handed."

[tommy.irene]

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and A note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please." Amazed, He takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus ravels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After a while he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, and then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog. The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds, "Genius, It's the second time this week he's forgotten his Key!"

[tommy.irene]

A blonde is driving down the road. She notices that she is low on gas, so she stops at the gas station. While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she had locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, the blonde asks the attendant for a coat hanger so she can attempt to open the door herself. She goes outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant goes outside to see how the blonde is faring. The blonde outside of the car is moving the hanger around and around. Meanwhile, the blonde inside of the car is saying, "A little more to the left. A little more to the right ... "

[tommy.irene]

Father Murphy walked into a pub in Donegal, and said to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do Father." The priest said, "Then leave this pub right now!" and approached a second man. "Do you want to got to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then leave this den of Satan," said the priest, as he walked up to O'Toole. "Do you want to go to heaven?" "No, I don't Father," O'Toole replied. The priest looked him right in the eye, and said, "You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole smiled, "Oh, when I die, yes, Father. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

[tommy.irene]

An employee comes into her manager’s office to take a day off from work. The manager replies, So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break, which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1-hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off!

[tommy.irene]

A doctor broke the bad news to a man, that his wife would have to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital. “I’m afraid her mind’s completely gone,” he said. “Makes sense,” mumbled the man. “She’s been giving me a piece of it every day for the last 15 years.”

[tommy.irene]

A panda bear walks into a bar and orders a sandwich. The waiter brings him the sandwich. The panda bear eats it, pulls out a pistol, kills the waiter, and gets up and starts to walk out. The bartender yells for him to stop. The panda bear asks, "What do you want?" The bartender replies, "First you come in here, order food, kill my waiter, then try to go without paying for your food." The panda bear turns around and says, "Hey! I'm a Panda. Look it up!" The bartender goes into the back room and looks up panda bear in the encyclopedia, which read: "Panda: a bear-like marsupial originating in Asian regions. Known largely for it's stark black and white coloring........... Eats shoots and leaves."

[tommy.irene]

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there. Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?" Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a **bleep** on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

[tommy.irene]

Young man studying in a college abroad sent this SMS to his father: Dear dad, no mon, no fun, your son. The father replied: Dear son, too bad, so sad, your dad. ......................................."Simon, if I had eight apples in my right hand and ten apples in my left hand, what would I have?” “Huge hands, sir.”

[tommy.irene]

Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him. A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat Russ! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said,'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?' Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.' 'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?' 'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?' 'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her? 'Well, one day she filed **bleep** charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud, that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'. 'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.’

[tommy.irene]

My daughter's school teacher rang me today. "Young Sarah didn't turn up for school today?" he said. "I know, her mother died yesterday," I replied. "So she won't be back for a while." "Sorry to hear that," he sighed. "How's she getting on?" "Very well," I replied. "She's on her 3rd lot of laundry and has already prepared dinner."

[tommy.irene]

An internal auditor for a manufacturing group was concerned about anomalies in stock levels. He thought someone might be pinching stock but he couldn't prove it. He had his eye on one shifty-looking individual who every day drove his old truck out of the factory with the load covered by a tarpaulin. Time after time the auditor stopped the bloke, made him remove the tarpaulin and then inspected the load. On every occasion there was only scrap metal in the truck which the driver said he was taking to the tip. On three occasions the auditor made the bloke remove the tarpaulin and then unload the scrap in front of him, suspecting that there might be stolen stock hidden underneath. Nothing. He could never find anything amiss. After a few months of this the auditor was offered a better job elsewhere and resigned. A few weeks later he was drinking in a pub when the shifty character walked in. On a n impulse the auditor went up to him and said, "Look, I've left the company, I'm not interested in taking it any further and I won't shop you, but I just have to know. What were you taking?" And the bloke said "Tarpaulins."

[tommy.irene]

Love this Japanese Doctor! Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap. Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Fruit very good. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Grain good too. Bottom up! Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good! Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad? Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around! Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me. Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle? A: Hey! 'Round' is shape! Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!" AND...... For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies. 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits. 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits. 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits. 4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits. 5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits. CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[tommy.irene]

A couple were driving at 70mph down the road, husband behind the wheel. The wife suddenly says "Honey, I know we've been married twenty years but I want a divorce." He says nothing but increases the speed to 80mph. She says "Now don't try to talk me out of it, I've been screwing your best friend for sometime now and he IS better at sex than you." He stays quiet, but speeds up to 90mph. She says "I want the house and the car." (He is now doing 100mph.) "I want the bank accounts and the credit cards too." she says The husband starts to veer towards the side of the road and a large grove of trees. The wife gets nervous and asks "Isn't there ANYTHING you want?" "No, I've got all I need." He said "Oh really, so what exactly do you have?" Just before they hit the tree at 120mph he smiles and says: "The air-bag!:

[tommy.irene]

A boy was very sad in class. The teacher asked, "Boy what is your problem?" he answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!" Teacher had enough. She took Boy to the principal's office. While Boy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed. Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: What is 3 x 3? Boy : 9, maam! Principal: What is 6 x 6? Boy : 36, maam! And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at teacher and tells her, "I think Boy can go to the third-grade. " Teacher says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions. Can I ask him ?" The principal and Boy both agreed. Teacher asks: What does a cow have four of that I have only two of? Boy : Legs, maam! Teacher : What is in your pants that you have but I do not have? Boy : Pockets! Teacher: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid? Boy : Coconut! Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky? (The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy . was taking charge ) Boy : Bubblegum, maam! Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs? (The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer ) Boy : Shake hands! Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay? Boy : Yep! Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do. Boy : Tent Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. Boy : Wedding Ring, maam! Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good. Boy : Nose! Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver. What is it? Boy : Arrow! Teacher: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement? Boy : Firetruck! Teacher: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u don't get it, u have to use ur hand. Boy : Fork! Teacher: What is it that all men have one. It's longer on some men, than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married? Boy : SURNAME! Teacher: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ? Boy : HEART, maam! The principal a sigh of relief and said to the teacher : Principal: Huh! send this Boy to sixth grade !!! Even I got the last ten questions wrong myself!

[tommy.irene]

Do you know how to catch a squirrel? Climb a tree and act like a nut! Q: Why did the cowboy ride his horse? A: Because he was too heavy to carry

[tommy.irene]

Kindness costs nothing.......THOUGHT FOR THE DAY.. One day, a poor boy who was selling goods from door to door to pay his way through school, found he had only one thin dime left, and he was hungry. He decided he would ask for a meal at the next house. However, he lost his nerve when a lovely young woman opened the door. Instead of a meal he asked for a drink of water. She thought he looked hungry so brought him a large glass of milk. He drank it slowly, and then asked, “How much do I owe you?” “You don’t owe me anything,” she replied. “Mother has taught us never to accept pay for a kindness.” He said, “Then I thank you from my heart.” As Howard Kelly left that house, he not only felt stronger physically, but his faith in God and man was strong also. He had been ready to give up and quit. Year’s later that young woman became critically ill. The local doctors were baffled. They finally sent her to the big city, where they called in specialists to study her rare disease. Dr. Howard Kelly was called in for the consultation. When he heard the name of the town she came from, a strange light filled his eyes. Immediately he rose and went down the hall of the hospital to her room. Dressed in his doctor’s gown he went in to see her. He recognized her at once. He went back to the consultation room determined to do his best to save her life. From that day he gave special attention to the case. After a long struggle, the battle was won. Dr. Kelly requested the business office to pass the final bill to him for approval. He looked at it, then wrote something on the edge and the bill was sent to her room. She feared to open it, for she was sure it would take the rest of her life to pay for it all. Finally she looked, and something caught her attention on the side of the bill. She began to read the following words: “Paid in full with one glass of milk. Signed, Dr. Howard Kelly.”

[tommy.irene]

The teacher said; “Take a pencil and paper, and write an essay with the title ‘If I Were a Millionaire.’” Everyone but Joe, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write feverishly. “What’s the matter,” the teacher asked. “Why don’t you begin?” “I’m waiting for my secretary,” Joe replied.

[tommy.irene]

A mother was teaching her 3-year-old the Lord's prayer. For several evenings at bedtime she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer. "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail, Amen."

[tommy.irene]

The difference if you marry a Irish Girl.... Three mates married women from different parts of the world.The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days,but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away. The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning,dishes and cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day was better. By the third day he saw his house was clean the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table. The third man married a Irish girl. He told her to keep the house clean,dishes washed, do all the laundry,mow the lawns and have a hot dinner on the table when he gets home. He said the first day he didn't see anything the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could make a sand which and load the dishwasher. He is still has difficulty when he pees.