JOKES

[tommy.irene]

LETS START 2014 OF WITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

[tommy.irene]

A famous scientist developed a formula to bring statues to life.
He went to a local park to try it out on a statue of Gen. Ulysses Grant.
After application, Gen Grant began to move and soon was completely alive.
The scientist asked, "What's the first thing you'll do, General?"
The general answered while drawing his pistol "I'm going to kill about a million damn pigeons!"

[blackburn_stevie]

I was at a charity auction when I noticed they were selling raffle tickets, so I went up and checked out the prizes. Most of it was the usual mix of kitchen appliances and cheap holidays, but the first prize, I saw, was an entire shopping centre. So I bought a whole bunch of tickets to increase my chances, and hey, it's charity. 
After a while they get everyone to sit down and start drawing the tickets. 
"And fifth prize, the steak knives, goes to... number 76!" 
I looked down... I had that ticket! 
"Fourth prize, the lovely stereo, goes to... number 59!" 
Mine again! Odd luck, certainly. 
And the next one was mine again! And even the second prize! 
I was almost in need of a new pair of pants by this stage. Steak knives, a stereo, a caravan and a week-long trip to Fiji were all mine. All that remained was the shopping centre. 
"And the final, big first prize, an entire shopping centre goes to... number 18!" 
Damn it! Not my ticket! 
I looked around to see if anyone had called out to claim the prize, but nobody was moving. 
"Does nobody have that ticket?" 
No sound. No movement. 
"Well, we'll have to forfeit that prize. I guess it's like they say," said the announcer, "You can't win a mall."

.

.

.

.

.

You're going to hate me for this, lol

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

"You can't win a mall."

[blackburn_stevie]

974023.  Mon Feb 18, 2013 9:20 am
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"  The birch says he cannot tell.  Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.  The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"  The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

[blackburn_stevie]

What's the difference between a woman & a goat?


Quite a lot, according to the law...

[blackburn_stevie]

979548.  Thu Mar 07, 2013 5:45 pm The Cow, the Ant and the Silly Old Fart  A cow, an ant and a dyslexic filly old sart are debating on who is  the greatest of the three of them.  The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!"  The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"  .  .  Why are you scrolling down?  It's your turn to say something.

[tommy.irene]

A Scottish soldier in full dress uniform walks into a chemist, and from his sporran pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana. He unfolds this, and reveals a neatly folded square silk handkerchief. He unfolds this to reveal a condom, with several patches. He asks the chemist, 'how much to repair this', The chemist says '6 pence,' he then asks 'how much for a new one', the chemist says '10 pence'. He folds the condom back into the silk and the cotton, and goes outside.
A moment later the chemist hears a great shout, followed by an even greater one. The soldier marches back in and addresses the chemist, with a big satisfied grin on his face. 'The regiment has taken a vote, we'll have a new one.'

[blackburn_stevie]

If films were remade in Wales .....

The Wizard of Oswestry 
Trefforest Gump 
Independence Dai 
Haverfordwest Was Won 
Cool Hand Look-you 
Dial M For Merthyr 
The Bridge on the River Wye 
Breakfast at Taffynys 
Look You Back in Bangor 
A Fishguard Called Rhondda

Sheepless in Seattle

Nine and a half Leeks

Dai Hard 
The Sheepshank Redemption 
Look-you 571

The Ewe-sual Suspects 
Paint Your Dragon

Good Rhyl Hunting. 
The Lost Boyos. 
Last Tango in Pwllheli.

And last (for now but not least, lol) .... 

An American Werewolf in Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch. 

[tommy.irene]

“Have you got any kittens going cheap?” Asked a customer in a pet shop.
“No, sir,” replied the owner. “All our kittens go “Meow.”

[tommy.irene]

I'll never forget the day I got married, ever.
I've tried everything: drugs, alcohol, even hypnosis, still can't forget it!..

[tommy.irene]

So Paddy said to Seamus 'Did you hear that joke about the Egyptian guide who showed a group of tourists two skulls of Cleopatra one as a girl and one as a woman?'

To which Seamus replied: 'No, let's hear it.'

[tommy.irene]

One day a rich famous man went to buy a sport car from a dealership. The price of the car was $80000 and the man had only $79998 to pay.
The sales associate insisted that the price is firm and it has to be $80000.
The man came out of the store and looked around and saw a poor man begging for help. He went toward him and introduced himself and asked if he is kind enough to lend him $2. The poor man asked the reason. He replied that he is willing to buy a car. The poor man though for a moment and gave the man $4 and said: Please buy one for me too.

[tommy.irene]

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewellery store late last Friday afternoon with a
beautiful much younger lady by his side.

He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked
through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweller said. 

The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. 

The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 

'By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, 

so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds, 

and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweller angrily phoned the old man and said: 

'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man,

'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'



See . . . . . . Not All Seniors Are Senile......

[tommy.irene]

Two guys are hiking in the forest when they suddenly come across a big Grizzly bear! The one guy takes off his hiking boots and puts on some running shoes!
His friend says to him "You're crazy! There's no use, do you know how fast Grizzlies are, you'll never be able to out run it!" and the guy says, "I only have to out run you!"

[tommy.irene]

A truck driver is driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads “Low Bridge Ahead.” Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck, huh?” The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol.

[tommy.irene]

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken wall at 10 Downing Street. One from London, another from Bristol and the third, Liverpool.

They go with a government official to examine the wall.

The London contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

'Well', he says, 'I figure the job will run about £900: £400 for materials, £400 for my crew and £100 profit for me.'

The Bristol contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says, 'I can do this job for £700: £300 for materials, £300 for my crew and £100 profit for me.'

The Liverpool contractor doesn't measure or do figures but leans over to the Government official and whispers, "£2,700"

The official, incredulous, says, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?'

The Liverpool contractor whispers back, '£1000 for me, £1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Bristol to fix the wall.'

'Done!' replies the government official.

And that friends, is how it all works.

[queenelsa83]

Knock! Knock!

Who’s there?

Olive.

Olive who?

Olive you and I don’t care who knows it!

😛 😄 🙂

[tommy.irene]

A couple were sitting in the living room watching TV
when the phone rang.
The husband picked it up, listened for a minute then 
screamed, "How the hell would I know? Call the weather 
bureau!"
As he stomped back to his chair his wife asked, "What 
was that all about?"
He replied, "Aw, it was just some dumb dork wanting to 
know if the coast was clear."

[tommy.irene]

One day while at her job as a bank loan officer, Patty Black, had a frog hop onto her desk and say, "I would like to apply for a lily-pad improvement loan." Patty looked incredulously at the frog and said, "I'm sorry, we don't loan money to frogs." To which the frog replied, "I have collateral," as he handed her a small ceramic trinket. Not wanting to be impolite, Patty said, "I don't know. I'll have to talk to the bank manager."

She walked back to the manager's office and said, "There is a frog out here, asking for a lily-pad improvement loan, and this trinket is all he has for collateral." The bank manager picked up the trinket and looked at it carefully. Then smiling he turned to Patty and said, "Why it's a knick-knack, Patty Black. Give the frog a loan."

[geographically*challenged]

Oh wich christmas crtacker did you get that out off tommy?

 

Tee Hee