The Jokes Thread

[chris250chris250]

I`m fed up with the excuses women give to avoid having sex.................

I`ve got a headache........

I`m washing my hair.........

I`m tired........................

I`m your sister!

[ladderrack-123]

lol, pity we only really notice the worst of them.  In a couple of hundred years we'll be wondering what all the fuss was about, in Bulgarian.

[whatsmarkodoing]

your bang on right Dave ...if most of the foreginers went home there would be no 1 left to run the hospital's .....but saying that theres alwaysa few bad eggs ....1 saturday afternoon 1  14 yrold girl was crouched on the pavement having a wee...fgs that was vile but seemed acceptable where they live but we can look forward to cheaper car washers ...there every where 

Times are going to be hard for the Polish living in the UK, what with the Bulgarians and Romanians coming over here and stealing their jobs.

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My fitness levels were tested recently when I was sightseeing in Vatican City on my gap year, and decided to streak across St Peter's Square to tick it off my bucket list once and for all.

The police gave up the chase after only a short time, but the priests were after me for miles!

[repairexpert]

Good ones.

On a serious note, when the Romanians get get you'll have to be even more careful; they're well known for their scanning antics, as well as s h i t t i n g in the street which they see as OK.

One of them is offering cheap perfume at the door. When you take a sniff of it it knocks you out and they come in and rob you. No, it's not a joke, just one of their many tricks, 😞

[ladderrack-123]

on a lighter note

Two old boys, Mick & Paddy, have been promoted from privates to L/Cpls.
Not long afterward, they're out for a walk and Mick says, "Hey, Paddy, there's the NCO Club; let's you and me step in."
"But we’re only privates," protests Paddy.
"We’re L/Cpls now," says Mick, pointing to his stripe and pulling him inside. "Now, Paddy, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink."
"But we're privates," says Paddy.
"You blind, boy?" asks Mick, pointing again at his stripe. "We're L/Cpls now!"
So they have their drink, and pretty soon a one of the Army lass’s comes up to Mick.
"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhoea."
Mick pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Paddy, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhoea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."
So Paddy goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Mick the big Thumbs Up.
Three weeks later Mick is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhoea.
Mick says to Paddy, "Why the hell did you give me the thumbs up?"
"Well Mick, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhoea affects only the privates." Pointing to his stripe, he says, "and we're L/Cpls now!"

[ladderrack-123]

Four old Pal's were playing their weekly game of golf, andone remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.

The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off."

The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.

"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the bum and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning -- intercourse or golfcourse --'

She said without turning over, "Don't forget your hat."

[whatsmarkodoing]

rofmpsl

[repairexpert]

Good ones Dave. 🙂

[madamwhiplashk]

pmsl!! Some great jokes there

[madamwhiplashk]

I've just seen the news about Muslim staff in M&S refusing to sell alcohol. Whatever next? Christian staff in B&Q refusing to sell nails and wood?

[ladderrack-123]

Paddy & Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them and hand them over to the police.  Mick says 'what if one blows up?'  Paddy, after a little thought, says 'well, we''ll tell them we only found 2'

[ladderrack-123]

Paddy's racing snail wasn't winning races any more so Pady removed it's shell to make it mor aerodynamic, it didn't really work, in fact if anything it made him more sluggish.

[ladderrack-123]

Paddy says to Mick, 'Christmas Day is on a Friday this year Mick', Mick says, 'jees, I hope its not the 13th'

[repairexpert]

Love those last two.

[whatsmarkodoing]

My wife is living proof that women can multitask

She can actually shout and moan at the same time

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[repairexpert]

 For Scouse substitute "Geordie"!
A Liverpool girl goes to the welfare office to register for child benefit
"How many children?" asks the welfare officer
"Ten" replies the Liverpool girl
"Ten?" says the welfare worker
"What are their names?"
"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and
Nathan"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Liverpool girl, "It's great because if they are out
playing in the street I just have to shout 'Nathan yer dinner's ready!'
or 'Nathan go to bed now!' and they all do it
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the curious welfare
worker
"That's easy," says the Liverpool girl... "I just use their surnames"


A Liverpool girl enters an adult shop and asks for a vibrator
The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall"
She says "I'll take the red one"
The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher"


Q. What do you call a 27 year old Liverpool girl?
A. Granny

Q. What do you call a Liverpool girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride

Q. What does a Liverpool girl use as protection during sex?
A. A bus shelter

Q. There are two Liverpool girls in a car without any music - who is
driving?
A. The policewoman

Q. What's the most confusing day in Liverpool ?
A. Father's day

Q. How do people know Jesus wasn't born in Liverpool ?
A. You try finding 3 wise men and a virgin there!


  A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you
raise your hand?'
'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asks, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan,
then who are you a fan of?'
'I am a Chelsea fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why pray tell, are you a
Chelsea fan?'
'Because my mum is a Chelsea fan, and my dad is a Chelsea fan, so I'm a
Chelsea fan too!'
'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason
for you to be a Chelsea fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all
of the time... What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug
addict, what would you be then?'
Mary smiled, 'Then I'd be a Liverpool fan.




A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the
Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.
The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing.  We've just got
one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his
nymphomaniac twin daughters.
You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform
provided.
The hours are a bit long  but the meals are provided. You also have to
escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays.
The Salary package is £200,000 a year'.
The Scouser said 'You're 'aving me on!'
The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'


Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious
object was discovered in a car.
It later turned out to be a tax disk.

[whatsmarkodoing]

LOL....

[only_me_1975]

 What gets longer when pulled, fits between the breasts, inserts neatly into a hole and works best when jerked?

A Seatbelt!

[repairexpert]

I guessed right then. 😉

[whatsmarkodoing]

I didnt .....pmsl

[only_me_1975]

This was deleted by ebay the first time i posted so hopefully with a few changes it will go through!

We were so poor in our house when i was young, that on christmas morning if you didnt wake up with a hard on you had nothing to play with!!

Q: Why does'nt Santa have any children?
A: He only comes once a year, and thats down the chimney

Teacher: What does the christmas tree stand for?
Student: It would look stupid if it was laying down

Please remember that a doggy is not just for chrismas.....Its a great position all year round!

Santa: "So little girl, what would you like for christmas?"
Girl: "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe"
Santa: "Doesnt Barbie always come with Ken?"
Girl: "No, She only fakes it with Ken"