What A Day Of Child-Related Contrast

[fishpieface]

Yesterday, in the morning we went to a college open day with our youngest son who hopes to

go there In September.  This is the child who struggled to read and write when he went to senior

school, he couldn't keep up and had to have loads of extra help - he is now predicting mid to high

grades for his GCSEs, Cs, Bs and one A.  I couldn't believe we were sitting there listening to him

speak confidently to the college tutors about hoping to take 2 A Levels in music and philosophy

and a BTec in Film Studies!  He no longer needs a scribe and keeps up with his school work and

homework, and is trying really hard to up his grades.

Then, in the afternoon and evening, we had to sort our eldest out.  Oh dear, not such good news

there unfortunately.  He managed yesterday, singlehandedly,  to get chucked out of his accommodation

and lose his job.  He lost his job for not turning up - a fairly fundamental requirement really, and his accommodation

for not respecting his fellow house-mates and just doing what he liked, which included getting loads of his

dubious mates to stay over one night. doing dodgy stuff.  The others complained when they found them

scattered all over the place in the morning.  Then, after being asked not to do it again, he did just that.

We then found out that he's been having dealings involving drugs (to what extent we don't know) and

hanging out in a boarded up nightclub with some others of similarly dodgy inclination.  He is an adult

now and absolutely refuses to accept help or advice of any kind as the only kind of "help" he thinks is

acceptable is the monetary kind.  In addition to all that, he is wanted under warrant for not turning up at

court twice and for another suspected offence very recently.  What on earth does one do with somebody like

that?  He is ludicrously volatile, flying into a rage over the slightest little thing and very selfish, thus rendering

himself unlivable with.  It's us that's worrying over him, he just blames everyone else and thinks somebody

will bail him out.

So, a day of contrasts with the two of them.  Love them both, very proud of one, very unproud of the other, all

in the same day!  Even sadder is the eldest had even more potential than youngest to do well, he found school

much easier to keep up with but just wouldn't bother to do any work at all.

[023mjc]

I really feel for you fish, as I had a similar scenario to you a few years ago. Both boys raised the same, both with equal advantages/disadvantages,both loved and cared for, and both given exactly the same by way of pocket money, treats etc.  The eldest worked hard and behaved well and never gave me much to worry about, but the youngest was so unruly and anti social, bringing to police to my door more times than I care to remember. He was the kind of kid that no one wants to live next door to (and my neighbours left me in no doubt of that) and I spent my nights lying awake wondering how long it would be before I was making prison visits.

What hurt most was the people who automatically say "it's the parents fault". If it had been my fault they would have both been like it, and I have never been in trouble with the police myself, so he wasn't "brought up like it" as so many said.

Then he got his girlfriend pregnant and I was distraught to say the least. BUT, next thing you know, he's got a job, paid his debts, arranged a flat, and stopped drinking almost completely. And he absolutely relished changing dirty nappies and cleaning up baby vomit. He went out and bought pink frilly things and spent ages getting the hair bows just right. The change in him was just unbelievable.

A friend (one of the few I had left) once told me that she believed that if a kid went off the rails,if they were from a good family they would usually find thier way back.It was certainly the case for me, and I really hope it will be for you too, and your son can sort himself out soon.

[evoman3957]

The Person who's never made a mistake, has never made ANYTHING. One just hopes that the mistakes don't cost too much and can therefore be added to the list of things NOT to do again.

[Anonymous]

Hello Fish

I feel for you & must be really hard & heartache that come with it to see one of your beloved son going a bit over the rail !!

I do not have children unfortunately but looking at one of my sisters 2 kids similar situation than yours one was doing everything to achieve high grades (had cancer early in her life ) & the other was just creating troubles for my sister's & her husband

However when she reached 19 years old & add to re-do her year (did not work/out until god knows what time in the morning/drinking/smoking...) she realised that she had been left behind & then realised that she needed to get her head sorted out = speak to her mum (my sister) & resolve some issues there

No I am proud to say that both are doing great & the hard times my sister was having with one is well behind & in the past !!

So I believe that sometimes being hard can be the medicine one needs to correct the error of on's way

There is nothing more that you ca do as you cannot help someone who does not want your help I am sorry to add !!  I am sure that your un-ruly son will wake soon & realised what a mess he is making with his life or something dramatic will change his ways = very unfortunate indeed !!

The only thing there to do is to love him & be there if able to & be strong in the meantime

You have to make mistake in life otherwise how can one learn as nobody can really teach you the rel stuff however can guide you in time f needs !! ??!!

I hope this helps somehow !!

[hightara]

our lovely fishy.

its so much a senario that many of us have been through....... my eldest was bullied horrifically in school..... he then went on to target bullies......which meant many nights in hospital waiting to see if he would survive the night.

I truely believe............that events or whatever......can make us do things that we could never consider

we have all done things........... i am sure that looking back on..... we regret or are ashamed off........ especially me

be there for your family........... right or wrong....... a strong ethical person as you are fishy.. will eventually sort your way-ward son out.

we are all here for you

kate xo

[captainbovine]

here here, much love to Fishy, I don't have kids and find it hard to comment, just know I agree with everything Tids has said and wish you and yours well.

Thinking of you xxxxx

[bitsnknots]

I hope that you manage to get things sorted with your son Fishy.  ((((((Fishy and family)))))

[Anonymous]

Forgot to add stupid of me = all the best & will be thinking of you !! 

A little hug from me to you in your time of need

[fishpieface]

 Him out for, whether we should leave him to deal with the messes he's entirely brought upon himself. However, he is our son so we feel we've got to do something.

Anyway, thank you all for being there, I massively appreciate it.

Fishy xIt's beena long time since I posted anything about my son and his getting in trouble constantly.  

I didn't want to drive people mad with my woes and moaning as many suffer much worse.

I do thank you all for your kind comments, they give hope and make me realise we aren't alone. Sometimes I see it as a ladder, each rung being another disaster to be experienced until finally he sees sense and reaches the top.

Yesterday I didn't know if I cried with despair or pride, if pride, I felt bad for seeming to ignore the eldest's and his problems as I didn't want that to spoil youngest's achievements. If it was despair I felt bad for eldest's nightmare scenario marring the day it hit home how far youngest has come. Tricky one!

We wonder how long we bail

[fishpieface]

Oh dear, that reply got a bit muddled, half of it jumped up to the beginning of post. Sorry, don't know what happened there.

[stan3502]

Fishy not a lot to say but here's a hug ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( fishy )))))))))))))))))))))

[Anonymous]

Hello

Thank you for sharing your woes with us all (strangers ) & the great responses you have got from us !!!

Hope it get sorted out in time !!! However do not feel bad & enjoy the achievements of your younger son as it is very important for you & your family

Then when you have the strength deal with the best course of actions to take for your eldest son = you are only human & so much that you or anyone can do when faced with such challenges !!

Your eldest is going to have to take responsibility for his own action that is for sure !!

Have a lovely evening with your loved ones fish !!!!

[rainydaywoman11]

Dear Fishy, parenting is the hardest and most under valued job in the world.  I have listened as your 2 sons have grown up and remember the younger one and his struggles as well as the older one and the grief he has brought you all.

Yes, you should feel pride and hold your head up high that this young boy made it and is going to College to take such interesting subjects, all because of the guidance and support he has received at home.

Your elder son - well as others have said, he has to take responsibility for himself, and maybe one day he will see the light, I sincerely hope so.  I understand though that he is still your son and the sorrow you must feel because of how he behaves.

I am so pleased for you and hubby, sending love, Rainy xxx.

[fishpieface]

Thanks Rainy, sorry I didn't come back last night, I was at work, waiting for people who I'd taken

to see a concert.  The coach was freezing cold so I had to keep going for walks to warm up!  Also, writing

this on my tablet was tricky as it kept muddling all my posts up.

I can't describe how much everyone's support means.

Evoman, unfortunately our eldest never, ever learns a lesson from anything as he always thinks he can

justify his actions and won't acknowledge that he's done anything wrong.  That's why it's so difficult and

frustrating - I honestly have never met one like him for whom no sanction or consequence makes any

difference whatsoever to him, he just makes the same wrong decisions time and time again and a few

new ones along the way too.

[evoman3957]

I know it isn't easy, apart from my own; I've brought up at least 10,000 of other people's, in a Young Offenders Institution. Some "cotton on" and others just carry on leading with their Heads........maybe it's all that jarring to the Brain that's the problem  At least yours hasn't gone to Prison yet, so He's not crossed that line and it's given Him and You breathing space. Just try to make sure ( by hook or by crook ) that his behaviour effects only Him and try to keep the collateral damage to a minimum ( zero would be the best obviously ). Eventually, when He sees ( constantly ) that his decisions are effecting Him and Him alone, detrimentally, He'll realise you get further in Life with the Wind BEHIND You. 

[myraandjim]

So sorry to hear your troubles Fishie, believe me I know what you are going through - been there done that etc. At Christmas I finally had to admit to myself that my situation couldn't go on and I cut all ties. I don't want to say too much on here because of other family members, but once you have done all you can there is no more you can do and at some point you have to think of yourself and the rest of the family. The support I received on here was fantastic - they are a great bunch on FHG. If you want to talk please feel free to pm me.

[fishpieface]

Thank you Evoman & Myraandjim. 

Our son has been to prison once, well twice if you cound a young offenders place as well.  I think if he

carries on as he is it won't be long before he's there again - there is a warrant out for his arrest right now.

Must have been challenging at times, your job, but I guess also rewarding sometimes too.

Oh gosh, got to dash, stuff happening.  I'll be back later hopefully.

[rainydaywoman11]

We lived in a small Perthshire village, population 2,500 ish.  The local bobby was a gem and brought my son home more than once, uncer the influence of one thing or another.  Niow, I do believe that had we lived in town he would have been treated more harshly, whereas 'Boy George' took a more understanding line with those parents whom he knew cared and did their best.

One story - they (the local rabble, my son being one) all sitting down by the river, there were picnic benches and the better organised took sleeping bags to consume their beer in comfort.  Just behind the river is the old cemetery and they used to throw their used cans over the wall.  One night the cans were returned, hitting various litter louts on the head.  They couldn't understand this, until Boy George appeared, he being the dead eye dick   He made them, in the dark, clean up the whole of the cemetery, before they could return to their jousting or home to bed.  Took them 4 hours, son says it was freezing (December) and George didn't let them go home until they had filled 4 black bags, supplied by him.

He is retired now, a fine man and I have thanked him many a time for his kindness, not to eejit son, but to me.  I very much doubt that things are the same now.

[merc1_clocks]

 Darling fishie...Like many others, I have followed the progress of your boys, & I also know that a child who is 'yours' is never given up on...but fishie darlin, you have a LIFE, & Mr fishie, & your younger boy (clever lad)...live that life, & let the elder lad make his mistakes...he's a man now - & will/or will not be accountable for his actions.

 He has had the upbringing of wonderful parents...now it's up to him.

 Just my thoughts dear fishie...which are with you at this time xxx

[fishpieface]

Hi Merc & Rainy, ahh thanks for your care, but you mustn't worry about me, you have lots of things yourselves

to deal with.  Yes Rainy, I wish it was like that now as often it was a clip round the ear, or similar, that made the

reprobates think about what they were doing.  Not many policemen like that now, especially close to London - if

anything they seem to let the power go to their heads and don't get any respect anymore.  That said, it doesn't

apply to all of them at all, they have a hard job to do and so many people have no respect for authority or for

anybody else now, not just the young people either.

Tonight our son is in a B&B (not a very selubrious one!).  He went, after much arguing, to the YMCA and filled

in a form but we don't think they'll have him as he has a criminal record including the kind of things they won't

take people for (violence etc).  Hubby organised the B&B, only because it's minus degrees outside, really cold

and frosty and we wouldn't let our cats sleep out there in that.  We said we can't keep doing it and if he doesn't

do something then we might just have to let the police know where he is (that's if we know!) - then at least he'll

have a bed for the night and we'll know where he is!!

We've been firm about him coming back here though and said there is no way he can due to his aggression

and smashing the house to bits, we're not going to jeopardise youngest's security anymore, or indeed possibly

our safety and health.  We said there is no evidence whatsoever of him wanting to help himself (apart from to

other peoples' belongings!) or acknowledging that his behaviour isn't acceptable and doing anything about it

and unless that changes, there is nothing else we can do.

It's very sad, not to mention very, very stressful.