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rose2008-2008 · ‎13-01-2014

I have dropped myself in it and do not know what to do. A family member rang me and asked me to go to there place and they would cook ect and was generally seeming to take over in a nice way for my Birthday. They did ask me if i was going out and i said NO, and when they asked me over i said YES as i did not want to hurt them and it put me on the spot . I think they could tell i was hesitant but i did not know how to say i had made plans!. I have made plans of what i wanted to do on my Birthday and feel as if i was being railroaded a bit into what they wanted. Also this person started saying what i should do in other areas of my life and it made me a bit cross!.

I am going to have to tell them my plans but now i feel awful. I know it sound stupid and please dont think im ungrateful. But its my day and i think i can do what i want and see who i want?. Im always saying yes as i get scared and then that makes everything worse. I just need advice?. Thank you.

rose2008-2008 · ‎13-01-2014

Malacandran,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,LOOOOOOL LOL. I was trying to be so nice but YES thats what i think!!!!!!!!. I have spent the first half of my life doing everybody in my families bidding!!!!!!!!!!. Where has it got me NOWHERE!!!!.

The second halfs my HALF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

Im DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

THANKS.

rose2008-2008 · ‎14-01-2014

I cant change the others no as they are going to be offended then. No,, its my fault for not speaking up and arranging things in the right order. I still have family members who think they can take over most of my time and im struggling to keep up with my own friends. Things have to change. Thank you.

millielilac · ‎13-01-2014

Well it seems as if you allowed yourself to be manoevered into doing something that, on reflection you do not really want to do.

Of course you should do whatever you wish to do , its just a pity that you did not refuse their offer in the first instance as it is possible that they could be offended...only you know as no one here knows the other person.

You will just have to be honest with them ....but as you say its your day and its up to you what you want to do on that day.

Personally birthdays are not actually important to me and I am more likely to go out and have a celebratory meal with friends on a day that is mutually convenient to all ...not necessarily the actual day . Perhaps you can still do what you want and still. Elebrate with your relation ....but at different times...

malacandran · ‎13-01-2014

You should do what you want, and sod anyone else.

rose2008-2008 · ‎13-01-2014

Malacandran,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,LOOOOOOL LOL. I was trying to be so nice but YES thats what i think!!!!!!!!. I have spent the first half of my life doing everybody in my families bidding!!!!!!!!!!. Where has it got me NOWHERE!!!!.

The second halfs my HALF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

Im DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

THANKS.

ginap.123 · ‎13-01-2014

unfortunate that you allowed them to think that they could go ahead with thier plans, seems very unfair to say yes & then pull out, could your other plans not be re-arranged?

rose2008-2008 · ‎14-01-2014

I cant change the others no as they are going to be offended then. No,, its my fault for not speaking up and arranging things in the right order. I still have family members who think they can take over most of my time and im struggling to keep up with my own friends. Things have to change. Thank you.

aernethril · ‎14-01-2014

It is really amazingly common - we seem to be hard-wired to please all the time and find it difficult to say 'no'.

Maybe learn a stalling technique and put it into place as often as possible?

Something like "Ooooh - that sounds good / lovely / a nice idea. Can I think about it and get back to you?" Or "I'm not sure what I want to do yet, so is it alright if we talk about it another day?"

It's so much easier to write than to actually remember to do it, but I've found that when I can remember, it works very well and gives me both breathing space and a calm space think about it and either decide or go back with more questions etc.

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My body is an old warehouse full of declining storage, my mind is a dusty old reference library, strictly for members and archaeologists only

rose2008-2008 · ‎14-01-2014

yes,, YOUR RIGHT WHAT YOU SAY. When someone phones me on the spot and says something like this all the things i should say (like see above ) seem to blank from my mind!!. Like a rabbit in headlights so to speak. Then those things come to me afterwards when the damage has been done. The same when your having an arguement with someone,i have the same scenario!!. I suppose when your asked, its really nice to say if your putting an idea to someone"would you like to think about it and get back to us?". But this was just put to me like" we want to do this and this and this"!!. "SO DO YOU WANT TO DO IT?"!!!!.

aernethril · ‎14-01-2014

I found it took practice - it doesn't come easily to many of us at all and I still don't remember all the time.

Possibly start with a stalling tactic response that leaves them non-plussed.

"DO YOU WANT TO DO IT?"

"Ummmmmmmmmmmmm - yes-no-maybe"

Gives you time then to come up with an "I'd like to think about it and get back to you later" type of comment.

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My body is an old warehouse full of declining storage, my mind is a dusty old reference library, strictly for members and archaeologists only