IVF babies....when to tell them

[tintinthegingertomcat]

I will be as brief as possible.

My friend has twin boys who are the result of IVF (his sperm but a donor egg).

At the moment my friend and his ex are having a few problems and are at loggerheads over somethings.

I myself have a brother who was adopted at 6 weeks old and my parents told him when he was about 8.

I am going to see my friend later and it is my opinion that now the boys are 10 1/2 they should be told the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth about their true parentage. It is my opinion that if the boys are in possession of the full facts as to their parentage it may well help them to understand why their parents are having differing opinions.

The boys have to be told sometime and I think that at 10 1/2 years old they are perfectly old enough to understand much of their history. It is my opinion that the longer you leave it and the older the child becomes they are more of a chance of resenting either or parent.

The main gist of this is that their mum very much keeps them tied to her apron strings and does not offer assistance with their education and homework whilst my friend believes that they should be boys and left to climb trees, graze knees etc etc.

Every other weekend when he has the boys he makes sure they do plenty of reading as their mum prohibits reading at home. Unfortunately both boys have special educational needs - one is partially deaf and the other has dyslexia. My friend does not want them mum smoothering them - he believes that the world is a tough enough place and needs them (even more so with their needs) to become much stronger.

Could I have honest opinions on this please?

[chickengrandma-2008]

My opinion, for what it is worth is that children should be told they are adopted or the result of IVF or whatever is the case, as young as possible.  I mean like three years old.  Told at this age they don't really understand and especially they don't understand the consequences, but the seed is sown in their brain that they are 'special' and 'extra loved'.  As they grow up the odd reference can be made to it so that they don't forget it completely, but it doesn't need to be a topic of conversation every day, unless the child wants to ask a question about it.  I think (just my opinion) that they should have been told before this.  Their disabilities will make no difference to their understanding of the situation.

As for the homework issue, I think the difference that makes some children go off the rails and those that get exams and are useful members of society, is the amount of attention that the parents pay to their schoolwork.  To keep the child on top of the work and not slip behind and lose interest.  With their disabilities, these two boys need a little more help than most.

[**caution**opinion_ahead]

I would say 10 1/2 is old enough to know ... but if the boys are undergoing some family upheaval at the moment, then this may not be the best time.  The information could change the way they feel about themselves and their relationships, so it would be best introduced during a calm period. 

My best friend had an IVF baby and they started to tell him small bits that he could understand when he was about 5.  The situation for them was slightly different though, as both the egg and sperm came from the parents.  The difficulty for your friend is that the mother is not the natural mother.  If she does not agree to them being told, it could seem as though the father was doing this to "get at her", especially as their parenting styles differ.  So, tricky indeed.

[**caution**opinion_ahead]

Ah, have just reread the 1st post and am wondering if I have misunderstood.  Is the mother the egg donor, and therefore the boys' "natural" mother?

[chickengrandma-2008]

I read it as natural father, donor egg, but that could be for the better.  As the mother carried them , makes them more 'hers' than if the sperm was from a donor and then the 'father' would have had little to do with their creation.

[**caution**opinion_ahead]

Ah, I see.  So they are genetically related to their father, but their mother carried and gave birth to them.

Re the different parenting styles, you just have to go with the flow on that one.  Any parent or guardian is entitled to raise the children in their care as they wish, provided the youngsters are not suffering neglect or abuse.  The mother may feel over-protective because of the boys' difficulties.  That is quite a natural reaction.  If the father provides a more outgoing environment, then so much the better.  Kids thrive under all sorts of circumstances.  No one way is right. 

[**forum-decorum**]

Hello OP,

It is sad to hear that this family is having problems anyway. I hope things can settle.

My feeling is that the time to tell the children depends on the childrens emotional state and their abilities to accept and deal with such personal information so there wouldn't be a specific age to do it.

As there are other problems ie differences on how schooling is dealt with and a family breakup situation that the twins are having to come to terms with, then in my opinion another emotional/personal subject may very well be too much for them at the moment.

I do believe in honesty and the children having a right to know. I also believe both parents have a right to deal with their children as they feel and see fit. Both parents have a right to a say on how their children are brought up. It is the parents (and I say both are the parents regardless of a donor - the mother carried those children and bonded with them) who know those children the best and are more able to judge how things will affect them.

Their disabilities do have to be taken into consideration.

I feel the parents should be working together for the sake of the children and working out and agreeing on a plan on how to deal with schooling etc between themselves (possibly along with the help of medical profession). Putting their personal differences to one side. Coming to an agreement with love for their children and what is best for them.

Children IMHO need both mother and father. You have to strike a balance between the two.

I wish your friend's family well.

[vamo48]

I am quite surprised that everyone seems to think children need to be told they were conceived with the help of IVF, it's nothing like adoption, where there may be birth parents out there somewhere.  What these particular children need to be told is that in spite of their marital problems, both parents love them and will always love them, no matter what.

CG, I don't agree that adopted children are "extra loved" -  we have an adopted daughter (as well as 3 home-made), and have been asked in the past if we give her extra love.  We answered that if you have children you give them all your love and don't portion it out ("a bit to you, and a bit more to her because she wasn't always ours".

[chickengrandma-2008]

That was a bad choice of words vamo.  I didn't mean more loved, I can't think of a suitable word, let's say not less loved.  Everyone has their own idea of what's best but I still think a child should be told if they are not the biological child, whether there are 'parents' out there or not. The finer details would be better being told when the child was older, I'd say.

[****merlin*****]

I would be far more concerned at lack of homework helping and lack of reading than details surrounding their conception at this moment in time. I dont see why they need to be told this now in the midst of everything else going on. Adoption would be different, but IVF? Its just something that doesnt need thrown in the mix right now, they have more than enough to contend with i think

[wizilizi]

I have come to think that the most important thing for the well-being of a child (assuming that physical needs are met)  is that they can know the truth - whatever the truth is - about the circumstances in their family of origin - & feel secure in that truth

By this, I don't mean the technicalities of conception, I mean what the family circumstances are, & where they fit in

Children grow up successfully worldwide in all sorts of personal circumstances - not necessarily what our society recognises as a family unit - & accept it as normal (I am thinking of African nations, where families are nebulous, encompassing many people not necessarily related by blood or even marriage, or are brought up with a father & his many wives, & so on)

In this instance, about which I know nothing, I'd say that the first thing to look at is that the parents/guardians unite in their approach, & once they have some sort of 

It has got to be ok for parents/guardians to have different views, to live in different places, have different lifestyles , partners etc - but the emotional well-being of a child, as far as I can see, depends on secure knowledge that the people around him are trustworthy & constant

In this instance, about which I know nothing, I'd say that the first thing to happen is for the people whom these little guys know as Mum & Dad to have frank negotiations between themselves (with a third party if they need mediation) about how they will pull together (or not) to guide their lads through their teens

I say this from a position of having been duped as a child.  My life's difficulties stemmed not from my failings (as I was told & believed) but from the incredible duplicity which existed between my parents.  My brothers & I uncovered it all after their deaths & it is an absolute trial to come to terms with it all, in different ways, for us

I'm sure my parents did what they thought was best for us; they loved us dearly - but the emotional price was high: Mum was effectively 'mentally ill', with all that that entailed

What a total waste of happiness, when we're only here once!!

[vamo48]

Fair enough, CG!  I may have misunderstood:  I thought IVF babies were usually the biological child of their parents and therefore the IVF would be irrelevant. 

The lack of encouragement to read is worrying, some parents don't see it as part of their job and maybe this mother is one of those.

Great post from Wizi.  The children's main need is to know they are loved and that the breakup was not their fault in any way.

[**streety**]

Mum Carried them.  Her body nourished them and developed them.  She gave birth to them.  She is their mother.
The situation is quite complicated for them to understand.  When they start learning about sex education and how a womans body works to produce children, then maybe they could be told that Mum's eggs didn't work so she used someone elses that then became part of her and developed into her wonderful boys.

My brother and I had different dads and we've never known any different.  I've always known as has my brother even though he's never met his biological father, but in this case it was right that he should have known from the start.

[chickengrandma-2008]

My point exactly streety!  My sister and I had different fathers and it was my father that lived with us and we thought was her father too. She  wasn't  told until she was about 21 and she never ever got over it.  She didn't speak to my mum for the last two years before my mum died and she hasn't spoken to me now for 13 years.  I'm sure if she'd grown up with the knowledge, her life would have been so much happier.

[**streety**]

Yep.  So sad and such a shock for your sister. Imagine finding out that dad wasn't really dad as an adult.  Can't imagine how that must feel.
My brother never ever bothered to ask as dad was there for him since he was a year old.
However since dad died and Mum is in a care home we have uncovered facts through Mum's friends and photos about my brothers dad and my brother traced him using Genes reunited only to find out that he is was and is a pretty undesirable person.  I asked my bro if he felt like he wanted to make contact and he said he was undecided until he read a solicitors note.

This was a reply to my mum after she had asked if my dad could formally adopt my brother.  My brothers dad had granted it as a long as that meant he didn't have to pay maintenance of have contact
Showed the true colours of a man who ran out on my mum when she was pregnant and moved in with someone else.