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*pixachu* · ‎06-11-2013

I realise now that I have some communication difficulties, like my aspie son, and that growing up I ignored so many things.... Didn't ask the right questions and never really fought to seek relationships with my extended family.

Very occasionally in the last few years I have started to question a few things. My mum and dad split up when I was two and we pretty much never saw my dad again. He had another 3 children too with his next wife.
He died suddenly when I was about 16 and I really didn't care.

From that time, I believe my mum kept in touch by letter with my dads brother. Just a letter and update at Christmas. My mum had mentioned a few things over the years, but I had no interest. I believe my Gran was still alive, but I kinda thought she never cared in the past so why should i give a damn about her. Also it sometimes felt weird that out there there's half-brothers and a half-sister, who we know nothing about. And the matriarch never cared about them either.
I know one of my cousins names as it is very unusual first name.

Anyway, sometimes recently I have wondered what my grandparents were like on that side, and it feels like they abandoned me and my brothers. Just can't believe that someone could do that. Do they never think about us. Did they never care? We really could have done with some help growing up, some input and support.

So why do I now suddenly feel really rejected by them? Especially as I have just seen my relatives on Facebook! I stumbled upon a few people with my surname recently, which prompted me to look. I wish I hadn't. Maybe I still have an old gran out there somewhere who still doesn't care about us. I think it's too late for me to care. So why am I having this feeling now....? I don't usually waste my time thinking about what could have been..... But to not have heart, well that I just can't understand. I will probably have forgotten about this by tomorrow, as I have such a bad memory!

Families are *rubbish* aren't they?

But I also had a lovely granny and grandad who were there for me, and I miss them. Hug your grandparents and treasure them xxx

*sorry just needed to let that out*

chips-and-brown-gravy · ‎06-11-2013

Oh I do understand and sympathise.

Unfortunately the only grandparent I knew died when I was 5, so I didn't really know him, if you see what I mean.

I had both my lovely parents, but my mum had no surviving family so nobody from that side. My Dad's family didn't have much contact with us as they didn't approve of the marriage. He told me he fell in love with her when she was 5 and he was 7 and never wanted anyone else, but never told her. He was sent abroard for 5 years and in that time she married someone else. They only got together after her first husband left her when she became pregnant (this was in the 40's) and she had to wait 7 years for a divorce. Divorce in those days was really frowned upon, even though she was the innocent party, she was a 'bad woman'. She worked hard to bring up my sister as there were no benefits then, but her mother helped.

My older sister (by 12 years) was horrible and stopped all contact with the family when I was 15 even though my dad treated her the same as myself and my brother, and my older brother who I adored died in a road accident 15 years ago.

We have no children, so all the family I have is my OH.

Of my two best friends, one died a year ago and the other has moved abroad for 5 years (she hates it and is terribly lonely).

I do fear for the future loneliness and sometimes wonder if having a disfunctional family is better than none.

You just have to cherish the ones you have around you.

millielilac · ‎07-11-2013

Families can be very complicated....

As you were so young when your parents split up you can never really know what really happened and perhaps even why your fathers family lost contact with you . No doubt it was a very difficult time for all concerned ....

Its natural to be curious about family members you have never met and to wonder why they made no efforts to contact you ....if indeed that is the case.

It may be that your grandparents did not actually want to lose touch with you .....many grandparents actually have little choice in the matter when relationships break down.

It is very sad that for whatever reason you did not have the opportunity to get to know them ....but you are not alone in that ....

You are fortunate that you did have at least one set of loving grandparents.........you have been blessed...

joferret77 · ‎07-11-2013

Hi Pix
Sorry you feel messed up. Facebook has a lot to answer for! You feel rejected and rejection hurts, but there are always two sides. You don't know what they were told, you don't know what they felt. The not knowing is a big head mess. There are so many possible reasons as to why they decided to stay away, I don't have the answer but maybe you could try and find out if she is still alive and decide from there?
In my opinion it's very difficult to just forget.

Things too have happened to me and I say I didn't care. To be honest, that's me telling myself I didn't care and putting up a wall as then I didn't have to think about it or deal with it. Do you think this maybe similar to you?

Hope you feel ok xx

*pixachu* · ‎07-11-2013

Thanks for reading and understanding. Just had a feeling of being left out of that family. But have woken up feeling like I don't care about them at all once more.

Thinking about it, I also have lots of cousins spread around the uk and Ireland who I hardly know, so this is just how life is. I think the nuclear family is what matters - not the extended family.

I should be thankful that although dysfunctional in many ways, my extended family (the ones I know) are mostly nice people. They are rarely any bother. In life I've seen or heard about families that are always meddling or causing trouble... I am grateful that I have ones who don't!

My grandparents didn't live close by when I was growing up, but when we eventually moved nearer I saw them regularly and by then they were proper old, the kind who baked and did gardening and sat in their chair. I remember them every time I get their old hand mixer out to make cakes (my daughter loves baking) as it is the one thing I have of them. Its 21 yrs since my granny died and 12 since my grandad died.

So, just feel grateful today for the family I have and have had. The mystery of the missing family has gone from my mind once more. They are just strangers with a link to my family , nothing more, and I don't need them as much as they didn't need us.

To those with complicated family issues, I wish you hope to resolve them, especially you Jo. Why do things get so messy? xxx

rose2008-2008 · ‎07-11-2013

Pix i can relate to you somewhat. As i have got older i have realized how complicated it can be in families. I have lost both parents who i was not close with what with one situation or another. things went on in my family behind closed doors that no one understands or it seems some do not want to listen. Now i do not have any contact with any living aunties or uncles as i do not really want to. Even my brothers are not ultra close and we all have our problems and scars. Messed up really. But it does upset me when i think back.

I see so many other problems in families and relationships, it seems to be maybe the way we live causes friction and troubles. Sometimes it tears peoples families up.

i do believe my friends are my family more than my family ever were!!!.

I feel for you Pix, your not alone.

Hugs to you. ((( )) ((( )))

fishpieface · ‎07-11-2013

Me too Pix, I feel for you, having had things going on in my family that I only

found out about just over ten years ago (I'm 52 next week). Secrecy/taboos,

I knew something wasn't as it was made to seem but didn't know what, as

I was growing up I felt there were secrets but had no idea what they were.

It's not the occurrances themselves so much as the deliberate covering up

of them, I think that does more damage than honesty and openness does.

So I know how you feel and, whilst the exact details are not exactly the same,

the feeling of, well, whatever it is, I believe that is probably the same.

Hugs,

Fishy

captainbovine · ‎07-11-2013

you know what Pix? I had a troubled childhood, my father was a swine. my extended family of aunties and uncles came and went never saw my cousins much etc etc.

It took me until my 40's to realise I would never know what was going on, and to just turn my back on the whole thing. You can't go back, only forward. Cherish your family...your OH I mean and your son. Live your own life and don't spend your time beating yourself up over things you can't change.

It's difficult to do but believe me you'll feel more at peace with yourself if you do.

I send you hugs and hope you feel better after getting it off your chest xxx

guardpig · ‎07-11-2013

Worry not. I think all families are dysfunctional to some extent. Grew up with an extended family on my Mother's side, a smaller one from my Dad's Mother. Grandad was one of 13, of whom I knew 1 and his son. Not only did Dad never contact them, they never contacted him either. Plenty of skeletons in the various cupboards, some of which I will never know the actual truths. Does it matter?. not really. At most you only know one side of any story, the other side may well have a different version of the truth.

caryl576 · ‎08-11-2013

It's always a high risk exercise trying to track down family you lost touch with after a split as you might find out that the reason you never heard from them was your 'loving' was the one preventing the contact, especially in the early years after a possibly acrimonious split

(certainly not saying this is the case here)