Christmas cracker jokes

[ed_blackadder_1]

Did you hear about the stupid plastic surgeon? Yes. He stood in front of the fire and melted!

Doctor, Doctor! Everyone thinks I'm a liar! Doctor: I don't believe you!

Father Christmas lost his umbrella but he didn't get wet! Why not? Because it wasn't raining!

How can you get your name in lights the world over? Change your name to Emergency Exit!

How do monkeys make toast? Stick some bread under the gorilla!

How do witches tell the time? With a witch-watch!

How do you start a polar-bear race? Say 'Ready! Teddy! Go!'

How does Father Christmas climb up a chimney? He uses a ladder in the stocking!

I say, I say, I say! My wife's gone to the West Indies! Jamaica? No. She was quite happy to go!

If I'm standing at the North Pole, facing the South Pole, and the East is on my left hand, what's on my right hand? Fingers! I'm letting my pet pig sleep on my bed! What about the smell? He'll just have to get used to it! Waiter! Water! My Christmas pudding is off! Waiter: Off? Where to? What did the police do when the hares escaped from the zoo? They combed the area! What do you do if your dog has ticks? Don't wind him up! What do you get hanging from Father Christmas' roof? Tired arms! What do you get if you cross a cowboy with an octopus? Billy the squid! What do you get if you cross a gnome with a vampire? A monster that sucks the blood out of your kneecaps! What do you get if you cross a hen with a bedside clock? An alarm cluck! What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with an octopus, a sheep and a zebra? A striped, woolly jumper with eight sleeves! What do you get if you cross a whale with a bird that quacks? Moby Duck!

[stan3502]

What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
Claustrophobia!

Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can 'ho ho ho'!

Why did Santa's helper see the doctor?
Because he had a low "elf" esteem!

What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?
A Holly Davidson!

What do you call a cat in the desert?
Sandy Claws!

Who delivers presents to cats?
Santa Paws!

[ed_blackadder_1]

Santa Paws ha ha ha

[captainbovine]

oh, deary deary me..

mind you the Billy the squid was funny!

[5129frederick]

Irish jellyfish - so thick it set!

[m25jet]

Where do Santa's little elves get medical treatment from?

The National Elf Service...

[tommy.irene]

With Christmas upon us I would like to share a personal experience with you about drinking and driving. As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the Authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well, three days ago I was out for an evening with friends, and had several cocktails Followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to knowthat I may be slightly over the limit. When That's I did's something that I've never done before - I Took a cab home. Sure enough on the way home there was a police roadblock, but since it was a cab They waved past it. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I do not know where I got it and now it's in my garage did I do not know what to do with it.