Three buddies die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the pearly gates. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was the greates doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!" ......................................................................................................................................................................................................... .................Im a 75 year old Nutcase.. TOMMY LOVES YOU ALL. .. I'm a committed atheist. Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won £500,000. 'You've done very well so far,' said, Chris Tarrant , the show's presenter, 'but for a million pounds you've only got one life-line left - phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question...... will you go for it?' 'Sure,'said Mick,'I'll have a go!' Which of the following birds does not build its own nest? a) Sparrow, b) Thrush, c) Magpie, d)Cuckoo?' 'I haven't got a clue,' said Mick,'so I'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin .' Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him. ' hell, Mick!' cried Paddy. 'Dat's simple......it's a cuckoo.' 'Are you sure?' 'I'm sure.' Mick hung up the phone and told Chris , 'I'll go wit Cuckoo as me answer.' 'Is that your final answer?' asked Chris 'Dat it is, Sir.' There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, 'Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!' The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink...'Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?' 'Because he lives in a clock!' ......................................................................................................................................................................................................... .................Im a 75 year old Nutcase.. TOMMY LOVES YOU ALL. .. I'm a committed atheist. Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire. Much to their relief she smiled and said: "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper." Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said: "First Question: Which tire was flat?" ......................................................................................................................................................................................................... .................Im a 75 year old Nutcase.. TOMMY LOVES YOU ALL. .. I'm a committed atheist. A man boarded an airplane at Coolangatta with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde, female crew member to take care of the box for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour. Shortly before landing in Sydney, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs on the Gold Coast, please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them. Two lessons here: 1. Men never learn. 2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most men think. ......................................................................................................................................................................................................... .................Im a 75 year old Nutcase.. TOMMY LOVES YOU ALL. .. I'm a committed atheist. A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?' The priest replies, 'My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man sleeping around with Prostitutes and lack of a bath.' The drunk muttered in response, 'well, I'll be damned' and returned to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?' The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. In the paper here it says that the Pope's got it.'
......................................................................................................................................................................................................... .................Im a 76 year old Nutcase.. TOMMY LOVES YOU ALL. .. I'm a committed atheist.
