JOKES

[tommy.irene]

LETS START 2014 OF WITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

[merehazle]

     Here's two:

Guess who?

[daffodiltulip]

Not quite a joke - a request for the complete one.  There was a joke I heard but have since forgotten bits of, about three knights who went off to battle but who were concernced about their wives.  The wealthy one had some sort of chastity belt for his and when he got back, I don't recall, the middle class one got a suitable to his finances one and when he got back, I forget, and the poor one could only afford a plaster and when he got back, he found it had healed - that bit's the punchline,  but the rest is needed to make it complete.  Does anyone know?

[tommy.irene]

A beautiful, sexy, good looking lady was sitting next to a guy in a plane...... The lady said to him ' Can you help me remove something from my breast please? ‘The exciting young man replied, 'Wow! It will be my pleasure....... So what is it?' "Your Eyes, idiot!"

[tommy.irene]

My mate announced she's pregnant, so we've pulled out the book of names. Almost through J and we reckon we're really close to guessing the father...

[tommy.irene]

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare & walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for £100, on one condition.' Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she pressed into the young man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, "Clean my house."

[playtimetoyshop]

I'm looking forward to the Scotish vote for independance.

It's true. A Scotsman will do anything and everything for his country, except live there!

[playtimetoyshop]

The Labour Party have a sure fire way to win the next election!

Their manifesto contains a promise for a vote for an Independat England

[tommy.irene]

My wife came outa the shower walked in to the bedroom naked, she said to me ''babe close the curtains, i dont want the neighbours to see me naked''.''dont worry'' i replied, ''if the neighbours see u naked they'll close there own curtains!'' 

[tommy.irene]

Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Frank’s wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Frank’s friends are very upset that he can’t go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Frank sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

“Damn man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?”
“Well, I’ve been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, ‘Guess who?’” I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose pedals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.
And then she said, “Do what ever you want.”
So, here I am.

[tommy.irene]

An Englishman and a Scotsman go to a pastry shop. 

The Englishman whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn't notice. 

The Englishman says to the Scotsman: "You see how clever I am..? You'll never beat that..!" 

The Scotsman says to the Englishman: "Watch this, a Scotsman is always cleverer than an Englishman." 

He says to the baker, "Give me a cookie, I can show you a magic trick..!" The baker gives him the cookie which the Scotsman promptly eats. 
Then he says to the baker: "Give me another cookie for my magic trick." The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too. Then he says again: "Give me one more cookie... " 

The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway. The Scotsman eats this one too. Now the baker is really mad, and he yells: "And where is your famous magic trick?" 

The Scotsman says: "Look in the Englishman's pocket."

[playtimetoyshop]

A scottish girl is sat on the lovers bench with a scottish boy.

She says "A penny for your thoughts".

The scotsman looks her in the eye and he says "I'll be thinking it would be nice to kiss ya"

She blushes. "An de yee think I'll be wanting you to kiss me?"

He blushes too and looks away.

"Aw ma wee man a wee penny for your thoughts now"

"I'll be wondering when yee'll be giving me the tuppence yee ow me"

[cee-dee]

Tommy was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O'Reilly wandered by. "Help!" Tommy shouted, "Oi'm sinkin'!"

"Don't worry," assured Mick. "Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi'm the strongest man in Erin, and Oi'll pull ye right out o' there."

Mick leaned out and grabbed Tommy's hand and pulled and pulled to no avail. After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Tommy, "Shure, an' Oi can't do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oi'll have to get some help."

As Mick was leaving, Tommy called "Mick! Mick! D'ye think it will help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups?"

[tommy.irene]

A guy called a budget airline to book a flight. The operator asked: “How many people are traveling? “How should I know?” said the man. “It’s your plane!”

[cee-dee]

William, Tommy and Angus were staying in the world's tallest hotel, it was two hundred storeys high.

However, as all the lifts had broken down, they had to climb the stairs.

"Let's tell sad stories,'"said William, "and that will make climbing The stairs seem shorter."

So he told sad English stories part way up the stairs and then Angus told sad Scottish stories for most of the rest of the way.

Just as they neared The top, Tommy said "I've got The saddest story of all to tell. I've forgotten to collect The key to our room from the desk on the ground floor."

[tommy.irene]

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mp... h, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife
ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper..

[tommy.irene]

One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy shop, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon. He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist. 

"Could you taste this for me, please?" 

The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it. 

"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy. 

"No, not at all," says the chemist. 

"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."

[tommy.irene]

I love eBay, I sold my homing pigeon eight times last month! 

[merehazle]

It's been ........ RAINING !!!

[blackburn_stevie]

A guy goes into a restaurant where they are looking for a chef. He gets taken into the kitchen and the boss guy says, "OK, just as a quick test, fry me 2 eggs." So the new guy puts some oil in a frying pan and puts a light under it. He then takes 2 eggs from a bowl, throws them up in the air and then heads each one over to where the stoves are. Each egg lands on the edge of the frying pan and the egg bits drop into the fat and the shells fall into the waste bin. "OK" says the boss, "Now do me some scrambled egg for 2 people." The new guy gets a bowl and pours a bit of milk, a dob of butter and some salt into it. He then takes 2 eggs and does the same kind of thing as before. He gives it all a stir, pours it into a pan and cooks it to perfection.

"Do I get the job?" he asked.

"Nah" said the boss. "You're a decent cook but you mess about too much."

[tommy.irene]

Beer Warnings

Due to increasing product liability, beer manufacturers have accepted the Government's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring joke over and over again until your friends want to smash your face in.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a **bleep**er.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your trousers.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you possess mystical Kung-Fu powers.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species, and/or name you can't remember)

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead to traffic signs and cones appearing in your home.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that people are laughing with you.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.