JOKES

[tommy.irene]

LETS START 2014 OF WITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

[john.b74]

An advertisement read Mercedes for sale for £100

No one believed it, but one old man responded and went to see the car.

The lady actually sold him a brand new Mercedes , which had done just 12000 kms, for £100 .She handed him the papers and the car keys.

As he was leaving he said I would die of suspense if you don't tell me , why this car is sold so cheap?

The lady replied.

I am just fulfilling the will of my deceased husband, where all money received from sale of his Mercedes would go to his secretary..

[m25jet]

What's the difference between a geneologist and a gynaecologist?

One looks up the family tree, the other looks up the family bush.

[john.b74]

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school

reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his

drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking

right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he

hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on

celebrating that long?"

[m25jet]

One sunny day in the Garden Of Eden Adam was sitting with Eve when he noticed that a lot of the animals in the garden would often appear from out of a thicket of dense trees with big grins right across their faces.  He was puzzled as to the reason why, so he thought he'd go and ask the Lord for an explanation.

Adam explained to the Lord what he'd seen, who replied "It's called procreation, Adam.  Why don't you take Eve into the forest with you and find out about it for yourself?"

So Adam decided to take the Lord's advice.  However, less than twenty minutes later, the Lord was dismayed to see that Adam was back again, looking very puzzled indeed.

"Yes Adam?" said the Lord.  "What is it this time?"

"Lord" said Adam "What's a headache?"

[cee-dee]

Tommy and a woman he had never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly - Tommy in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 2:00AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman, saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the cupboard to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"That's a great idea!" Tommy exclaimed.

"Good," she replies. "Get up and get your own blanket."

[m25jet]

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two.  The tricky bit is getting them in there...

[john.b74]

A farmer is overseeing his herd when suddenly a brand-new car appears out of a cloud of dust and starts advancing towards him.

The driver, a young man in a suit, leans out the window and asks the farmer: “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?”

The farmer looks at the man, obviously a snob, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers: “Sure, why not?”

The man parks his car, whips out his computer, connects it to his mobile phone, gets on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo on his computer and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses a database through an Excel spreadsheet with email on his phone and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturised printer. He turns to the farmer and says: “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”

“That’s right,” says the farmer. “Well, I guess you can take one of my calves.”

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the he stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the farmer says to the young man: “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says: “Okay, why not?”

“You’re a politician,” says the farmer.

“Wow! That’s correct,” says the man. “But how did you guess that?”

“No guessing required,” answered the farmer. “You showed up here even though nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are, and you don’t know a thing about how working people make a living, or about cows for that matter.

“This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.”

[m25jet]

A teacher has a class of around thirty seven year old kids and she's teaching them about the five senses.  "Some people don't have the use of all five senses" she says.  "Take blind people, for example.  They don't have the use of their sight, so the other four senses have to become stronger to overcompensate."  She then proceeds to explain that for one lesson each day they'll be blindfolded and expected to use one of their other senses to identify objects.  On the first day she does the hearing test.  The kids easily identify a recording of sounds, such as a dog barking, a motorbike at full throttle, the sound of somebody cutting wood with a handsaw, and a whole host of other sounds without any trouble.

The following day the kids come into class and are blindfolded again for the second senses lesson, during which they're asked to identify things by smell.  The kids all correctly identify a variety of different smells.  The next day they're blindfolded for that day's senses lesson and are asked to identify things by touch.  All of the kids in the class make light work of it, identifying a vast array of objects without making a single mistake.

On the fourth day the kids are all blindfolded again for that day's senses lesson and are told that they're going to have to identify things by taste.  The teacher hands out a variety of different flavours of boiled sweets, one flavour at a time, and to start with things go well, with the kids easily identifying a wide variety of tastes, such as orange, lemon, orange, mint, strawberry and blackcurrant.  However, when the teacher gives the kids a honey flavoured sweet none of the kids volunteer an answer.  She initially suspects that they're just mucking around, but it soon becomes apparent that they're all genuinely stumped as to what the taste is.

"Come on, kids" says the teacher. "I'll give you a clue and you see if you can guess the answer.  It's made of and tastes like something that you probably hear your mummy and daddy calling each other all the time."

And with that one of the kids immediately gobbed the sweet out of his mouth and cried "Aaarrrrrgggh, Christ - they're arseholes!"

[john.b74]

A man entered the bus with both of his trouser pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "Its golf balls".
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked.
"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

[m25jet]

What's the difference between a cactus and eBay?

With a cactus, all of the pricks are on the outside...

[john.b74]

A man entered the bus with both of his trouser pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "Its golf balls".
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked.
"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

[cee-dee]

I think our friend is running out of jokes? He posted that last one a couple of posts ago.

[m25jet]

A schoolteacher who's been with the school for close on forty years is taking a class of seven year old children and is teaching them about past, present and future tense.  "OK" says the teacher.  "If I say 'I am beautiful' what tense is that?"

And with that one of the kids replies, "Judging by the look of you, Miss, it's definitely past tense!"

[cee-dee]

Paddy was telling his mate Patrick about his best pal, Tommy.

He told how Tommy was feeling fed up, down and despondent because he was over €3,000 behind with his mortgage and was about to have his home repossessed.

He'd driven to the Cliffs of Moher, locked all the doors and was about to drive over to end it all when a total stranger asked him what the heck he was doing and why.

After Tommy told all, a group of total strangers had a whip-round and collected over €3,500 to help him. Tommy was overcome with joy and decided not to end it all and continued with his original journey.

"Who the heck were those generous strangers" Patrick asked.

Paddy replied "Oh, they were the passengers on Tommy's bus".

[m25jet]

Is Google male or female?

Female, because it won't let you finish before it makes a suggestion...

[john.b74]

With a lousy year under his belt a tractor salesman was traveling down a dusty back road in Iowa, when he came across a farmer working his field with an old, broken down tractor. He jumped out of his truck and gave his best sales pitch to the old guy. The farmer stroked his chin and said, "The other day I was getting ready to milk Betsy. I was just getting started when she kicked me with her left leg. So I grabbed me a piece of rope and tied her leg to the stall. Just as I was starting again, she kicked me with her right leg. I grabbed another piece of rope and tied leg to the other side of the stall. I'll be darned if when I started again she smacked in the face with her tail. I grabbed another piece of rope and tied her tail to the rafter above. Mister, if you can convince my wife that I was just trying to milk that cow, I'll buy a tractor."

[m25jet]

A businessman was driving through the countryside one night, having inadvertently taken a wrong turn and ended up getting lost, when he suddenly started to feel rather tired.  He tried to focus on keeping his attention on driving his car, but at one point he momentarily nodded off and came round to see that his car was headed for a ditch.  He wrenched the wheel back towards the road just in time and managed to avoid crashing his car into the ditch.  "Bloody hell" he thinks.  "That was close.  I'd better see if I can pull over somewhere and get a bit of rest."  So he continues driving for another few miles until he sees an old farmhouse in the distance with a sign outside advertising vacancies.  The businessman pulls up in the car park, goes inside and asks the old guy who owns the place for a room.

"I'm sorry" replies the farmer.  "We've don't have any vacant rooms left."

"But the sign outside says you have vacancies" protested the businessman.

Sensing that he was wasting his time the businessman walked back towards the front door, but just as he went to step outside into the car park the old guy called him back again.  "We don't have any vacant rooms left" he said "but I could let you share a room with my daughter - if you promise not to bother her."

The businessman agreed, and the old guy showed the businessman up to his room.  The businessman slipped inside the room, undressed quietly in the dark and got into bed, where he felt the farmer's daughter at his side.

The following morning the businessman got out of bed, got dressed and went downstairs to pay the old guy for the room.

"It's usually £50.00 a room" the old guy told the businessman "but I'll let you have it for £25.00 seeing as you had to share the room with my daughter."

"Your daughter was very cold last night" said the businessman as he handed over the money.

"Yes, I know" replied the old guy.  "We're going to bury her today."

[john.b74]

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.'

'Sure,' they said, 'You're welcome.' So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of
the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?'

'I'm a hit man,' was the reply.

'You're joking!' was the response.

'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. 'Here are my tools.'

'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from
here.' So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window.' 'Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her......He's naked, too!!!

He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?'

'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.'

'Can you do two for me now?'

'Sure, what do you want?'

'First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.'

'Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.'

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few
minutes.

'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.

'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I can save you a grand here.....'

[john.b74]

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

😂😂😂

1. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."

2. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."

3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."

5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."

6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."

7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."

9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."

10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."

12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."

13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."

14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."

15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."

16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."

17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."

19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

BE AWARE ...THEY WALK AMONG US and THEY VOTE!

[john.b74]

The milkman goes to the door to collect his money, when he knocks the door swings open and he walks in. The place is a mess, beer bottles and liquor bottles everywhere. He is just about to leave when the lady of the house comes down the stairs. He looks at her then looks at the mess She catching the hint, explains that they had a big party last night. The milkman spots a blanket in the corner with holes all cut out. "What was that for?" He asked Well she explained "We were playing party games last night, were we had all the men line up behind the blanket and stick there **bleep**'s out the holes. Then all the women went along and tried to guess who's was who's?" Man that must have been some party wish I here. Well you might as well have been here your name came up several times