JOKES

[tommy.irene]

LETS START 2014 OF WITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

[john.b74]

A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics.

Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and said,

-‘Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?’

-‘Really!?’he said,

-‘Have you tried mouthwash?’

[john.b74]

An eminent doctor goes for a meal in a gourmet restaurant. As he is inspecting the menu, the head waiter appears and tries to be particularly helpful.

-‘You might be interested to know that I have pickled liver, braised kidneys and stewed tongue.’

-‘Sounds terrible,’ says the doctor. ‘Call my assistant and make an appointment for tomorrow.

Right now, I’ll have the fish.’

[john.b74]

A new priest does his first mass. He is very nervous and he stammers his way through.

Afterwards, he approaches the Monsignor to ask how he thought it went.

-‘Well,’ says the monsignor, ‘Try a little wine before you do your next mass.’

So the next time the priest delivers a real fire and brimstone sermon, after which he asks the monsignor,

‘How did I do this time?’The fellow clergyman replies,

‘You did well, son, but I need to clear up a few of your misconceptions.

-First off, it was the Father, Son, and the Holy Spirit, not ‘Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.’

-Next, David slew Goliath! He didn’t ‘whip the ghost out of him.’

-And last of all we are planning a taffy pulling contest here at St. Peter, not a ‘Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy.’

[john.b74]

During one ‘generation-gap’ quarrel with his parents, young Michael cried,

-‘I want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women. I’ll never find it here at home, so I’m leaving. Don’t try and stop me!’ With that, he headed toward the door. His father rose and followed close behind.

-‘Didn’t you hear what I said? I don’t want you to try and stop me.’

-‘Who’s trying to stop you?’ replied his father. ‘If you wait a minute, I’ll go with you.’

[cee-dee]

Another version of that is:-

After arguing with his parents about his lifestyle yet again Tommy shouted "I want fun, excitement, lovely girls and I want to stay out all night drinking without getting it in the neck when I get home so I'm leaving, don't try to stop me."

As he headed for the door his father followed. Tommy turned round and said "Hey, I said don't try to stop me."

His dad replied "Who's trying to stop you, I'm locking the door when you've gone so you can't get back in".

[cee-dee]

When Tommy was a little lad, he loved all sorts of sweets and after pestering his mother for more as they passed the corner shop his mother said "You've gobbled all the sweets you're getting today, you can't have any more and if you had as many as you wanted, eventually you'd get all big, fat and horrible."

After they got on the bus for town, a nine months pregnant lady struggled on to the bus, obviously breathless and tired so when she sat down, Tommy went up to her, looked her up and down and said "Ha-ha, I know what you've been doing."

[john.b74]

I got banned again from ASDA because my credit card wouldn't work at the checkout......

The lady was frustrated with me and shouted, "For Goodness Sake, strip down facing me"...!!!

"Shortly afterwards I was thrown out"..

[john.b74]

WAITER: ‘Yes, sir, is there something wrong?’

CUSTOMER: ‘The soup. Taste it.’

WAITER: ‘I beg your pardon, Sir?’

CUSTOMER: ‘Taste it.’

WAITER: ‘But, Sir, I can assure you that the soup is excellent.’

CUSTOMER: ‘Taste it.’

WAITER: ‘Sir, the soup was made this morning of the finest ingredients.’

CUSTOMER: ‘Taste it!’

WAITER: exasperated, ‘All right, Sir, I’ll taste it.’

Then after a pause he said,

-‘Where is the spoon?’

To which the customer replied triumphantly,

-‘Ah ha!!’

[john.b74]

Fred and Bob decide to apply for jobs at a mine that had opened nearby. After sitting in the waiting room for a while, Bob gets called in for his interview. The boss asks Bob if he had worked underground mines before. Bob says that he had. The boss asks him how deep underground he worked.

Bob says, ‘Oh, about 8 to 10 feet.’

The boss says,

-‘Mines are a lot deeper than that, get out of here – you’re no miner!’

On his way out, Bob tells Fred to tell the boss that he worked real deep underground so he could get the job. Fred gets called in. The boss asks Fred if he had worked underground mines before?

Fred says, ‘Oh sure.’

The boss asks how deep underground he worked.

Fred says, ‘I used to work in a mine 20,000 feet underground.’

The boss says,

-‘20,000 feet, wow! That is incredible!’ What kind of lights did you use in a mine so deep underground?’

Fred says, ‘Oh, I didn’t need a light, I worked on the day shift!’

[john.b74]

An Indian man on his death bed.
"Sanjita, my wife, are you here?"
"Yes, my husband."
"My son and daughter, are you here?"
"Yes, Papa."
"Then who's in the shop?"

[john.b74]

Three women, a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette are lost in the forest while hunting. They each have a shotgun with 2 bullets. They make a fire. Then the redhead gets up and goes hunting. She comes back with 2 rabbits. The other two say,

-‘Wow, where did you get that?’

She says,

-‘I found tracks. I followed tracks. I saw rabbits. Rabbits ran. I shot. Rabbits stopped.’

Then the brunette leaves and comes back with a deer. The other two say,

-‘Wow, Where did you get that?’

She says,

-‘I found tracks. I followed tracks. I saw deer. Deer ran. I shot. Deer stopped.’

The blonde leaves and comes crawling back, all bloodied and black and blue. The other two say,

-‘Wow, where did you get that?’

She says,

-‘I found tracks. I followed tracks. I saw a train. Train ran. I shot. Train didn’t stop!!

[john.b74]

The police asked me where I was between 5 and 11, I said primary school

[john.b74]

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a £5 note.
Our total was £4.25, so I also handed her 25p.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a pound coin back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25p, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75p in change.
Do not confuse the people at MacD's.
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used that repairman since...
I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many deers are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE.
My daughter went to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a government employee.....
When my husband and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a
service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'
STAY ALERT!
They walk among us, they breed, and they vote…....
You now have 2 options...
Delete it…..
or
Send it along to put a smile on someone's face today!.

[john.b74]

Nice touch by the Nigerian football team after their defeat by England on Saturday,
The players were so upset with the result that they have promised to refund all expenses to the fans who travelled to support them,

All they need do is send their bank details, sort code and pin number and they will transfer the money straight to them.

[john.b74]

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."

[john.b74]

-‘What’s your father’s occupation?’ asked the school secretary, filling in the forms at the start of the academic year.

-‘He’s a magician,’ said the small boy.

-‘How interesting! What’s his favorite trick?’

-‘Sawing people in half.’

-‘;Really? Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?’

-‘Yes. One half-brother and two half-sisters.’

[john.b74]

TYPES OF PEOPLE ON FACEBOOK:
1) The "Rooster" – Feels that it is
their job to tell Facebook "Good
Morning" every day !
2) The "Lurker" – Never posts or
comments on your post, but reads
everything, and might make
reference to your status if they see
you in public.
3) The "Hyena" – Doesn't ever really
say anything, just LOLs and
LMAOs at everything.
4) "Mr/Ms Popular" – Has 4,367
friends for NO reason
5) The "Gamer" – Plays Words With
Friends, Mafia Wars, Bakes
virtual cakes and stuff, etc., ALL
DAY.)
6) The "Cynic" – Hates their life,
and everything in it, as evidenced by
the somber tone in ALL of their
status updates.
7) The "Collector" – Never posts
anything either, but joins every
group and becomes fans of the most
random stuff.
8.The "Promoter" – Always sends
event invitations to things that you
ultimately delete or ignore.
9) The "Liker" – Never actually says
anything, but always clicks the
"like" button
10) "Drama Queen/ King" – This
person always posts stuff like "I
can't believe this!", or "They gonna
make me snap today!", in
the hopes that you will ask what
happened, or what's wrong but
then they never finish telling the
story.
11) The "News" – Always updates
you on what they are doing and who
they are doing it with, no matter
how arbitrary, and Lastly
12) The "Thief" – Steals status
updates... and will probably steal this.

[john.b74]

Never Argue with a Woman

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?' 'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, Isn't that obvious?)

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her 'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading' 'Yes, but you have all the equipment on board. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write up a fixed penalty.'

'For reading a book,' she replies, 'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again, 'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading' 'Yes, but you have all the equipment on board. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write up a fixed penalty.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman. 'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden. 'That's true, but you have all the equipment on board. For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' he said as he left !!!

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

[john.b74]

This is serious. Please BEWARE! Over the last month I became a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into Sainsbury's for a bit of shopping has turned out to be quite traumatic.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It's impossible not to look especially with all the rain we have been having.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to another store, in my case, Tesco in Stafford. You agree and they get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet!

I had my wallet stolen December 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 29th. Also January 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, three times last Saturday and very likely again this coming weekend, so Be Warned!

P.S. Aldi have wallets on sale for £2.99 each.

Regards to all

[john.b74]

A bus full of housewives going on a picnic, fell into a river and every body died!!!

Each husband cried for a week...

One husband continued for more than two weeks !!!
When asked why he was still crying?
he replied miserably: No
My wife missed the bus !!