JOKES

[tommy.irene]

LETS START 2014 OF WITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

[*gothic*fairy*]

Three men sat in the pub, arguing over what they think is the fastest thing in the world.

First man says 'I think it's electricity. You flick a switch and it's there instantly and you can get rid of it just as quick'.

Second man replies, 'Nah, I think it's human speech because you can control that'.

There's a slight pause while the third man takes a sip from his pint

'You know', he starts, 'you're both wrong. Fastest thing in the world is diarrhoea.' His friends look at each other, slightly confused.

'Why's that then?' asks one

He replies 'because by the time you've switched the light on and called for help, you've already **** yourself'.

[tommy.irene]

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle And whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!' The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Birdforgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, Until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was BlueBird's cousin, Was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.' Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, Then he made love to her all day, Made love to her all night, Made love to her all the next day, Made love to her all the next night, but YellowBird wouldn't die! Why ??? OH, come on... Take a guess !!! Think about it !!! You're going to love this !!! Everyone knows.. You can't kill Two Birds With OneStone!!!

[tommy.irene]

A man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.

[tommy.irene]

Shopping in B&Q today I opened a bottle of cleaning fluid, took a sniff and recoiled at the smell. A passing assistant saw me.. "You should try this one perhaps?" He smarmed, indicating towards a more expensive brand. "it's completely odourless." "Brilliant, that's just what I'm after." I said, "Question is, will she be able to taste it?"

[tommy.irene]

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope... Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read: Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it might have been one of those **bleep** at the post office. Sincerely, Edna

[tommy.irene]

"Dad, where did I come from?" asks this 10-years-old. The father was shocked that a 10 year old would be asking a question like that. He was hoping to wait a few more years before he would have to explain the facts of life, but he figured it was better a few years early than a few days too late, so, for the next two hours he explained every thing to his son. When he got finished, he asked his son what prompted his question to which his son replied, "I was talking to the new kid across the street and he said he came from Ohio, so I was just wondering where I came from."

[tommy.irene]

At a seminar to show them how to form a loving relationship with their husbands, the women involved were asked when they last told their husband they loved them. The answers varied from last week to last year and parts in between. They were then told to take out their mobile phones and to text their husbands with the words; I love you sweetheart and then everyone had to exchange phones and see what replies came back. Here were the responses: 1 Who the hell is this? 2 Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what? 3 Yeah and I love you too. What's up with you? 4 What now? Did you crash the car again? 5 I don't understand what you mean. 6 What the ---- did you do now? 7 You're kidding, right? 8 Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need. 9 Am I dreaming? 10 If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone is going to die. 11 I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day. 12 Your mother is coming to stay isn't she?

[tommy.irene]

Two Irish fishermen rented a boat, and one caught a large fish. “We should mark the spot,” he said. The other man drew a large X in the bottom of the boat with a black maker “That’s no good,” said the first man. “Next time out we may not get the same boat.”

[tommy.irene]

While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between 'C' and 'D', but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" "Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out in Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

[tommy.irene]

After drinking, Men talk unnecessarily, Become emotional, Drive badly, Stop thinking, Fight for nothing Women can do all these without drinking!

[tommy.irene]

A man is in a pawnshop and sees this beautiful Grandfather Clock and winds up buying it. He asks the owner if he can deliver the clock and the owner replies that he cannot make deliveries. So only living a few blocks away the man decides to strap the clock on his back and carry it the few blocks. After a block or so, a drunk comes staggering out of a bar and bumps into the man knocking him down on his back and smashing the clock to bits. He then jumps up and starts cussing the drunk out and saying "look what you did to my beautiful clock you idiot” The drunk then replies, gee buddy I’m really sorry why don’t you wear a wristwatch like everyone else.

[tommy.irene]

A mother mouse and a baby mouse were walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacked them. The mother mouse goes, "BARK!" and the cat runs away. "See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"

[tommy.irene]

Strolling into a bank, the *bleep* presented a check and asked the teller to cash it. The teller informed the woman that she must first identify herself. Pulling a mirror from a purse the woman looked in it and said, “Yes sir-it’s me, all right.”

[tommy.irene]

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "Give it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" "Nine...

[tommy.irene]

A famous lawyer, who had been a public defender for years, dies. He finds himself standing at the back of an enormous queue outside the gates of Heaven. The queue before him is enormous. The number of people who die in a single day appalls him. He can barely see St Peter sitting up on a podium outside the gates with a large book. Every now and then St Peter glances down the queue to see how he is going. Suddenly he catches the eye of the lawyer. He looks very surprised. He jumps down from the podium and comes running along the line until slightly out of breath he arrives beside the lawyer. He embraces him. He pulls him out of the queue and motions for him to come to the front of the queue. Another person questions what is happening and another angel speaks to the person. Word is passed along the queue and the lawyer is surprised, as people start nodding and clapping. He becomes embarrassed by all the attention and asks St Peter why he is getting the special attention. St Peter stops suddenly and looks concerned. "You are a lawyer aren't you?' "Yes" the lawyer replies. "Does this happen to all lawyers in heaven?" "Oh, no, "Said St Peter. "It's just you are the first one to ever get here."

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

A couple walking in the park noticed a young man and woman sitting on a bench, passionately kissing. "Why don't you do that?" said the wife. "Honey," replied her husband, "I don't even know that woman!" 

[tommy.irene]

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'

[tommy.irene]

A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card,…. “Rest in Peace.” The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,… ‘Congratulations on your new location!'

[tommy.irene]

There is a Halloween party at mine details to follow, we are going to scare my neighbours, please bring a bottle and an Immigration officers uniform..