JOKES

[tommy.irene]

LETS START 2014 OF WITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

[tommy.irene]

“How long have you been working here?” one employee asked to another.
“Ever since the boss threatened to fire me.”

[tommy.irene]

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@windybabalon wrote:

You are a little bit behind the times, aren't you.?

Walmart got rid of those kid's machines years ago.

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I am sorry you think this Jokes about you..We are all not from the USA and this is a Joke thread.. ha..ha.

[tommy.irene]

A man dials 9-1-1 and frantically shouts, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only 2 minutes apart!!"

The emergency operator responds, "Is this her first child?"

The man shouts back, "No!! This is her husband!"

[merehazle]

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@windybabalon wrote:

You are a little bit behind the times, aren't you.?

Walmart got rid of those kid's machines years ago.

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I am sorry you think this Jokes about you..We are all not from the USA and this is a Joke thread.. ha..ha.

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Excellent !!!   reply Tommy. 

And we can even try humour too. Providing our pictures are not too big for those that could ignore them yet would sooner moan.  You know the sought that object that you haven't got a personality exactly like them. (wink)

 

[tommy.irene]

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.
Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better. Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.
Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"

[tommy.irene]

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The Engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer enquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

[tommy.irene]

John received a free ticket to the Super Bowl. Unfortunately. John's seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the stadium. He noticed an empty seat 10 rows up from the 50-yard line. He decides to make his way to the empty seat. As he sits down he asks the man next to him if anyone is sitting there. The man told him no, it was empty. John is very excited to have a seat like this at a Super Bowl and asks why in the world no one is using it? The man replied that it was his wife's seat but she passed away. He said this was the first Super Bowl that they have not attended together since they were married in 1968. John said that it was really sad and asked if he couldn't find someone, a relative or a close friend to take the seat?

"No" replied the man, "They're at her funeral!"

[merehazle]

Well I thought this was funny, and I really enjoyed it.  If you missed it you can see it on Iplayer tomorrow:

At Prime Minister's Question: David Cameron was cut off by the speaker John Bercow , telling him he had said enough.

Cameron had said:  ''I  hadn't finished.'' The speaker replied, after a pause: ''In response to that question, the prime minister has finished.'' 

You know Bercow, isn't such a bad bloke after all.

[tommy.irene]

Why can’t a blonde dial 911?
A. She can't find the eleven

[tommy.irene]

Knock-Knock
Who's there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the bath I'm drowning!

[tommy.irene]

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip 
of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency 
room doctor asked her. 

'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied. 

'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting 
off your finger?' 

'No, silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, & 
then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants..... 

I'm not shooting myself in the chest.' 

'So then?' asked the doctor. 

'Then I put the gun in my mouth, & I thought, 'I just paid $3,000..00 
to get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.' 

'So then?' 

'Then I put the gun to my ear, & I thought: 'This is going to make a 
loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the 
trigger.

__________________

[tommy.irene]

A nursery school driver was delivering a van full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog’s duties.
‘They use him to keep crowds back,’ said Tommy.
‘No,’ said Billy, ‘he’s just for good luck.’
Peter brought the argument to a close. ‘They use the dogs, he said firmly, to find the fire hydrants….

[tommy.irene]

A Belfast man was ashamed of his accent, and decided to go to elocution lessons in London. 
Three years later he was speaking perfect BBC English, and he decided to return home and celebrate with a drink. 
He caught the Shuttle to Belfast, got a taxi into the city and walked into the first establishment he came to. 
'I say, old chap,' he said to the proprietor, 'perhaps you could furnish me with a large gin and tonic and one of your finest Havana cigars.' 
'You're from around these parts, aren't you?' said the proprietor. 
'Good grief,' said the stunned Belfast man. 'How did you know that?' 
'Well, you see,' said the proprietor, 'this is a butcher's.'....

[tommy.irene]

An Irish priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident. They both get out of their cars and stumble over to the side of the road. The Rabbi says, "Oy vey! What a wreck!" The priest asks him, "Are you all right, Rabbi?" The Rabbi responds, "Just a little shaken." The priest pulls a flask of whiskey from his coat and says, "Here, drink some of this it will calm your nerves." The Rabbi takes the flask and drinks it down and says, "Well, what are we going to tell the police?" "Well," the priest says, "I don't know what your aft' to be tellin' them. But I'll be tellin' them I wasn't the one drinkin'."

[tommy.irene]

Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains. However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, and then lock it back up. Afterwards, he would go about his daily duties. For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.
One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captain’s quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, and opened it and... The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper; two lines with two words each:
Port Left
Starboard Right

[tommy.irene]

A fifth grader class was on an educational trip. As they rode along in the school bus, the teacher noticed that one boy was lying facedown in the aisle of the bus with his hands over his eyes. “Why are you lying in the aisle like that.”
“Well,” said the boy, “if you don’t see anything, you don’t have to write anything.”

[tommy.irene]

Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church and Pastor Thibodaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across the road. They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that read:


"Da End is Near.
Turn Yo Sef 'Roun Now
Afore It Be Too Late!"


As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, 'You religious nuts!'

From the curve they heard screeching tires, a big splash and then silence....

Boudreaux turns to Thibodaux and asks,


'Do ya tink maybe da sign should jussay.....'Bridge Out?'

[tommy.irene]

A woman calls up her neighbour and says to him, "Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."

The man replies, "Well, the joke's on all of you, because I wasn't even home yesterday."

[merehazle]

......

One of your best.

Oh, I hope you are enjoying your entitlement of a free TV licence at 75. Did you get one lad?

You needn't answer of course.

shhhhsss not to big with the pictures (wink).

[tommy.irene]

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@merehazle wrote:

......

One of your best.

Oh, I hope you are enjoying your entitlement of a free TV licence at 75. Did you get one lad?

You needn't answer of course.

shhhhsss not to big with the pictures (wink).

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All TV is free in Spain.