JOKES

[tommy.irene]

LETS START 2014 OF WITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

[tommy.irene]

The French zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very cranky and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorilla species available. While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Pierre, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Pierre, it was rumored, had the ability to satisfy any female, but he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Pierre was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for five hundred Francs? Pierre showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Pierre announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union." The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what about the third condition. "Well," said Pierre, "you've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred Francs."

[tommy.irene]

The class teacher asks students to name an animal that begins with an E. One boy says: “Elephant.” Then the teacher asks for an animal that begins with a T. The same boys says: “Two elephants.” The teacher sends the boy out of the class for bad behavior. After that she asks for an animal beginning with M. The boy shouts from the other side of the door: “Maybe an elephant!”

[tommy.irene]

A blonde was taking helicopter lessons. The instructor said, "I'll radio you every 1000 feet to see how you're doing." At 1000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great. At 2000 feet, he said she was still doing well. Right before she got to 3000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground. The instructor ran to where she crash landed and pulled her out of the helicopter. "What went wrong?" The blonde said, "At 2500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off."

[tommy.irene]

.

[tommy.irene]

Jeff had gone to propose to his girlfriend and returned home crying bitterly. "What happened, son?" his father asked, eagerly awaiting her response. "Did she accept?" "No, she sure didn't," sobbed Jeff. "When I told her what you advised me to say, she slapped my face and told me to get out." "Did you begin by telling her what I told you to say, what I told your mother when she accepted my proposal? 'Sweetheart, time stands still when I look in your eyes.' Did you tell her that?" asked his father. "Oh boy, Dad, did I got it all wrong," Jeff groaned. "I said, 'My dear, you have a face that would stop a clock!'"

[tommy.irene]

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt." A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?" The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless, but also that perhaps this is a good omen, so he says, "Okay," and sinks the putt. Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole." The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?" The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." He makes an eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?" The golfer says, "Certainly!" He makes the eagle. As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, "You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life." "Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."

[tommy.irene]

I've just overheard my wife talking to her friend on the phone. "I can't wait for Monday night, it's going to be the best sex ever!" What a silly moo......... Clearly she's forgotten that I'm going away on a business trip!!..

[tommy.irene]

.A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a new blonde girl painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket.
Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.
She showed him the instructions on the tin:
“For best results, put on two coats”.

[tommy.irene]

This is the story of the poor dizzy blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot. He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a May Day. "May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!" She hears a voice over the radio saying: "This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. 'Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position." She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat." "O.K." says the voice on the radio.... "Repeat after me........Our Father who art in Heaven........."

[tommy.irene]

One winter morning while listening to the radio, Bob and his wife hear the announcer say, “We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.” Bob’s wife, a stunning goes out and moves her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.” Bob’s wife goes out and moves her car again. The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park…” then the electric power goes out. Bob’s wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, “Honey, I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?” With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob says, “Why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time?”

[tommy.irene]

According to Thomas Cook in the UK, some holidaymakers are just never satisfied. Here are the top ten most bizarre and genuine customer complaints received by the firm in recent years: 1. On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all. 2. The beach was too sandy. 3. I bought a snorkel and swimming mask for my six-year-old son, but he was too upset to use them as the fish frightened him. 4. It rained on my birthday. 5. Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women. 6. I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts. 7. It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned. 8. We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake. 9. None of the hotel staff were English, and the tea didn't taste the same as at home. 10. I would like to complain about the price of alcohol in the resort. It was too cheap and I woke with a hangover every day.

[tommy.irene]

The Royal Australian Navy intercepted a boatload of people off the coast of Australia today. This placed the Navy in an awkward position, as the boat was not heading to, but away from Australia towards Asia. Another surprise finding was that they were loaded with white Aussies who were all seniors of pensionable age. Their claim was that they were trying to get to Asia so as to be able to return to Australia as illegal immigrants, and therefore be entitled to far more benefits than they were receiving as legitimate Australian pensioners. The Royal Australian Navy it is believed gave them food and water and assisted them on their journey.

[tommy.irene]

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall and idly picking his teeth. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make a little over $400 dollars a week, why? The CEO said,"Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back." Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?" From across the room a voice said, "Sure - he was the Pizza delivery guy from Domino's and was just waiting to collect the money!"

[tommy.irene]

I left from work one Friday afternoon, but being payday, instead of going home, I stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending my entire hard earned pay. Finally I came home, Sunday Night, and was confronted by my very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting my actions. Finally she stopped the nagging and simply said, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" Being a smart **bleep** I replied. "That would be fine with me." Monday went by and I didn't see the wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. . . Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where I could see her a little out of the corner of my left eye!!..

[tommy.irene]

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don"t know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son... "Go get your mother."

[tommy.irene]

A Blondes Year in Review January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight. February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels Helllloooo!!! bottles won't fit in typewriter!!! March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!" April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!! May - Tried to make coffee.....wrong instructions.... 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!! June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope. July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!! August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped because soft-top was open. September - The capital of London is "L".....isn't it??? October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel. November - Baked Chicken for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!! Oh and what will December bring? Oh my what a year so far!!..

[cee-dee]

The joke for today is:-

I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

"This is the 21st century," she said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad.".

I can tell you this... That fly never knew what hit him!

[cee-dee]

Todays rib tickler is:-

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, “I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.”

The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe, the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, “Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?”

To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, “There's no charge.”
“No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,” she says.

“Honestly, ma’am it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. So I just switched the heads.”

[jd.linklater]

From The Times yesterday..........

"Many people think that Barbara Windsor should have had a damehood years ago for services to innuendo. Nice to see someone's finally given her one".

 

[cee-dee]

Seamus is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is Tommy standing at the door. It didn't take Seamus long to realise Tommy was as was drunk as a skunk.

"Hello Sor" Tommy slurs, "Can you give me a push?"

"No, get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed." says Seamus and slams the door.

Seamus goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says:

"Seamus, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk." says the husband.

"It doesn't matter." says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."

So Seamus gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see Tommy anywhere he shouts:

"Hey, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out "Yes please Sor."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?"

Tommy replies: "I'm over here, on your garden swing."