JOKES

[tommy.irene]

LETS START 2014 OF WITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

[john.b74]

50 SHEDS OF GREY.
I don't know if any of you have read this book, if you haven’t, the following might give you an idea of what it is all about.
The novel "Fifty Shades Of Grey" has seduced women - and baffled blokes.
Now a spoof, Fifty Sheds Of Grey, offers a treat for the men. The book has author Colin Grey recounting his love encounters at the bottom of the garden. Here are some extracts...
Fifty Sheds Of Grey
We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a
wall...
but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.
She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
"I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with me."
So I took her to McDonalds.
She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then
harder until finally it came.
I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.
Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.
She still manages to get into the shed, though.
"Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly.
"Mmmm, kinky!" she purred.
"Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof."
"I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be
punished."
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.
"Harder!" she cried, gripping the shed workbench tightly. "Harder!"
"Okay," I said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?"
I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.
"Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
"I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the receipt.
"Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
"Very well," I replied. "You've got fat ankles and no dress sense."
"Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you won't be able to sit down for weeks."
She nodded.
"Okay," I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.
"Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!"
"Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.
"Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously," she said, gently massaging my back as we listened to her Coldplay CD

[john.b74]

Actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

* A speed limit sign: "Smile, You're on Radar!"

* Seen in a State Park: (A large sign with a rock hanging on a rope) "Weather Station: Check the rock. If it's wet, it's raining. If it's moving, it's windy. If you can't see it, it's foggy. If rock is gone, it's a tornado."

* Notice in a field: "The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges."

* Sign seen in a small restaurant: "Thanks for visiting. If you liked the food, send your friends. Otherwise, send your mother-in-law."

[john.b74]

It's that time of year when scamming will be rife. Fake products...... people needing money ..... fake emails.... fake paypal and even more fake raffles. Question everything.... if a person is genuine they won't mind you asking. Test products ask for lots of photos and where possible there is always Google. If it seems to good to be true then it probably is.
It's not worth the risk sometimes even if it is a hell of a bargain. Hate to see people done over but this time of year it happens a lot.

[john.b74]

Good.night.everyone.

[*guinevere*]

Goodnight John aka Tommy.

[john.b74]

...
This Is Why Men Don’t Write Advice Columns

Q1.
My Husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.

A1.
Obviously your Husband cannot get enough of you!! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing, your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can only bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you’re still not sure then just perform Oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.

Q2.
My Husband continually asks me to perform Oral Sex on him.

A2.
Do it. **bleep** can help you loose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer for you to perform Oral Sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day; then cook him a nice meal.

Q3.
My Husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A3.
This is a perfectly natural behaviour and should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it’s a great time to clean the house too) Just look how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he returns home is for you and your best friend to perform Oral Sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.

Q4.
My Husband does not know where my Clitoris is.

A4.
Your Clitoris is of no concern to your Husband. If you must mess with it then do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape it while doing this, and present it to your Husband as a Birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform Oral Sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.

Q5.
My Husband is uninterested in Foreplay.

A5.
You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your Husband on demand with no pesky requests for Foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should. He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing Oral Sex and cooking him a nice meal.

Q6.
My Husband always has an orgasm and then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.

A6.
I’m not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you’ve forgotten to cook him a nice meal.

[john.b74]

My mates girlfriend said she's leaving him
because of his obsession with
chocolate and she can't stand it
anymore.he told her,"you're always
trying to get at me for something,it's
like I have a Bounty on my head.The
only way I'll get any peace around
here is if I travel through our
Galaxy,the Milky Way and go and live
on Mars.You've always been a **bleep** to
me ever since you caught me sniffing
your sisters Snickers.And let's not forget
the childish pranks and Twix you play
on me.You know what,maybe we
should Breakaway.You can be part
of my ex-girlfriend Club.Go to the bus
stop and get the next Double Decker
out of this town.You anger me so much
you make my head Twirl.It's obvious
that this relationship started to Flake
away months ago.You remember at the
company Picnic? I said I needed Time
Out but you just ignored me.I'm
getting off Topic now.Our life together
is nothing more than a Wispa in the
wind.Get out..."

[john.b74]

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the
Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that
the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch
them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to
his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.
Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to
more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins
to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a
little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she
dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned
to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the
King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours,
would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the
saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their
chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching
powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours,
Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent
breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left
satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick
found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his
obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing
that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, and with a
laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching
powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.

[john.b74]

signs that have appeared at various locations.

* A speed limit sign: "Smile, You're on Radar!"

* Seen in a State Park: (A large sign with a rock hanging on a rope) "Weather Station: Check the rock. If it's wet, it's raining. If it's moving, it's windy. If you can't see it, it's foggy. If rock is gone, it's a tornado."

* Notice in a field: "The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges."

[john.b74]

A young couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll the guy's lustful desire rises to a peak.
He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind but I really do need to pee."
Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "OK. Why don't you go behind this hedge."
She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg.
He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs.
He shouts in horror, "My God Mary ... have you changed your sex?"
"No," she replies. "I've changed my mind, I'm taking a sxxx.instead."

[john.b74]

.....Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland .'

The other guy responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am !'

The first guy says, 'So am I ! And where abouts from Ireland might you be ?'

The other guy answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'

The first guy responds, 'So am I !'

'Sure and begorra. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?

The other guy says, 'A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.'

The first guy says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I ! So did I !
And to what school would you have been going ?'

The other guy answers, 'Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course.'

The first guy gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate ?'

The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964..'

The first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us !
I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it ? I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self !'

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Vicky asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian ?'

'The Murphy twins are getting **bleep** again.'

[cee-dee]

We've had that one umpteen times!

[*guinevere*]

I keep checking on here to see if there's any news from @john.b74 . Is there? ...anyone?

[cee-dee]

Nope, nearly a week now. Anyway, time for a Tommy joke?

The man from the window company called Tommy on the telephone. "Tommy," he says, "you haven't made a single payment on your new windows. Is there something the matter?"

Bristling with annoyance, Tommy repliesd. "I may be up in years, but I still have my wits about me. Wasn't your man after telling me those windows would pay for themselves in a year?"

[cee-dee]

The news we've all been expecting came to pass, Tommy died in his sleep last Thursday. RIP Tommy.

[*guinevere*]

Rest in Peace Tommy.

[cee-dee]

Tommy and Paddy were out shooting. They'd both just got new hand-made shotguns and were walking-up, trying them out. Both had already got a couple of nice Pheasants and were walking upm the Turnip field when suddenly two large Pheasants took flight and Paddy let fly and got both of them.

"Wow, a right and left" exclaimed and excited Paddy, then clutched his chest and collapsed.

Tommy checked him and, very worried dialled 999 and told the operator that Paddy looked dead.

The operator responded "Before I send anyone, will you just check and ensure he's dead?"

"OK" said Tommy. The operator heard a loud ***BANG*** and Tommy returned to the phone and said "Right, he's definitely dead, what do we do now?"

The operator fainted!

[cee-dee]

Tommy had always been a dab hand at DIY and when he saw a semi-derelict cottage set in an overgrown garden for sale in Larne he made a ridiculously low bid and was surprised when it was accepted.

Over the next couple of years he spent all his spare time renovating the cottage and when he'd finished it, he and Irene moved in. Tommy then turned his attention to the garden and by Summer it looked absolutely splendid.

Mid-Summer he was out in the garden, weeding by the short wall next to the road when the Priest walked past.

"My word, over the last two years you and God have done wonderful work" he said.

Tommy replied "Huh, you should have seen it when he had it all to himself."