JOKES

[tommy.irene]

LETS START 2014 OF WITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

[john.b74]

I love this Doctor

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this
true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it.... don't waste
them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will
not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your
car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn.
And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient
mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken.
Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork
chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable
products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that
means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the
goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you
have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

[john.b74]

[cee-dee]

What was that meant to be John, it was blank?

[john.b74]

Default Re: I Laughed So Much It Hurt
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?" They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet.
Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs.
Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.

************************************************** *********

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight."

************************************************** **********


An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

[john.b74]

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the
wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I
don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the
table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go
hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old
buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my
rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that
there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night .....whether you're
here or not."
(DAMN SHE'S GOOD!)

A couple are lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and pass gas!

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!

[john.b74]

12 Types of People on FB
1) The "Lurker" - Never posts anything or comments on your post, but reads everything, and might make reference to your status if they see you in public.
2) The "Hyena" - Doesn't ever really say anything, just LOLs and LMAOs at everything.
...
3) "Mr/Ms Popular" - Has 4367 friends for NO reason.
4) The "Prophet" - Every post makes reference to God or Jesus.
5) The "Thief" - Steals status updates... and will probably steal this one.
6) The "Liker" - Never actually says anything, but always clicks the "like" button.
7) The "Hater" - Every post revolves around someone hating on them, and they swear people are trying to ruin their life.
😎 The "Anti-Proofreader" - This person would benefit greatly from Spellcheck, and sometimes you feel bad for them because you don't know if they were typing fast, or really cant spell.
9) "Drama Queen/King" - This person always posts stuff like "I can't believe this!", or "They're gonna make me snap today!", in the hopes that you will ask what happened, or what's wrong...but then they never finish telling the story!
10) "Womp Womp" - This person consistently tries to be funny...but never is.
11) The "News" - Always updates you on what they are doing and who they are doing it with, no matter how arbitrary
12) The "Rooster" - Feels that it is their job to tell Facebook "Good Morning" every day.
-Which one are you?

[john.b74]

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy, “I’m gonna’ get the day off. I’m gonna’ pretend I’ve gone mad!”

So Paddy climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down, and shouts “I’m a light bulb, I’m a light bulb!” while Murphy watches in amazement.

The foreman shouts, “Paddy, go home. You’ve gone mad.”As Paddy leaves the site, Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

“Where do you think you’re going?” asks the foreman.

“Well, I can’t work in the friggin’ dark!” said Murphy.

[john.b74]

I told my son that if anybody ever tries to take his lunch money at school then he should headbutt them.

He was sent home today for breaking the dinner lady's nose.

[john.b74]

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:
1. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."
2. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."
3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."
4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."
5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."
6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."
7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."
8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."
9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."
10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."
11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."
12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."
13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."
14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."
15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."
16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."
17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."
19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
BE AWARE ...THEY WALK AMONG US
BE AFRAID..... BE VERY AFRAID

[john.b74]

A young man and woman were parked in a country lane about to have sex when she says I probably should have mentioned this but in a hooker and my fee is £20.00 he paid the money did the business and sat back enjoying a cigarette,why aren't we going back to town ? She asks ,I probably should have told you this but I'm a taxi driver and the fares £25.00!

[john.b74]

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

[cee-dee]

Methinks Tommy's running out of jokes..... he's used several a few times before. 

[m25jet]

Have you  heard about the new restaurant called Karma?

There's no menu - you get what you deserve.

[john.b74]

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?” The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, “If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?” The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat’s music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. “Sorry,” the man replies, “he’s not for sale.” The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. “No,” he insists, “he’s not for sale.” The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
“Are you insane?” the bartender demanded. “That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!” “Don’t worry about it.” the man answered. “The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat’s a ventriloquist!!

[m25jet]

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl having a slash?

Because the P is silent.

[john.b74]

Pop to the shop - Wear a facemask or get fined £100.

Sit in the pub all day - No mask required, that's perfectly safe.

Am I missing something

[cee-dee]

Yes, posting jokes on here 

[m25jet]

A teacher was in a class with around thirty little kids.  "OK everybody" she said. "I'm going to hold something behind my back and describe it to you, and I want you to guess what it is."  And so she starts to describe the first item.  "It's round, red in colour, and fairly small" she says.  One of the children calls out "Is it a tomato?"

"No" replies the teacher.  "But I like your answer. It shows that you were thinking.  It's actually a cherry."

The teacher starts again.  "It's round, orange in colour..."  One of the kids suddenly butts in "It's an orange!"

"No" replies the teacher.  "Good answer though, it shows that you were thinking.  It's a satsuma."  And so the teacher starts again.

"I'm holding a rectangular object, white in colour, and very soft."  One of the kids asks "Is it a piece of white chocolate?"

"No" replies the teacher.  "But you came up with a good answer.  It shows that you were thinking.  It's actually an eraser."

Suddenly a kid at the back of the class puts his hand up.  "Yes Wille?" enquires the teacher.

"Can I play the game as well but do the describing bit?" asks Willie.

The teacher considers the request for a minute and then says "OK, go on then."  And with that Willie gets up from hiis chair, walks to the back of the classroom, faces the wall and, after a bit of fidgeting for a few seconds, says, "Im holding something about two inches long, with a red tip on the end..."

"Willie!" the teacher calls out loudly.

"No" says Willie.  "But I like your answer.  It shows that you were thinking.  It's a match."

[john.b74]

Well, it finally happened today, I knew it would eventually so I was ready. I came out of Walmart with my mask on and keeping six feet away from everyone, I pushed my cart to my car, all the while wearing my face mask. A woman was getting out of her car next to me with no mask. As I'm putting groceries into my car she says, "Let me guess - you're a liberal - ‘cause that mask ain't gonna do anything for you except make you look stupid." In anticipation of this happening, I was ready with my response. I said, "Look, I woke up this morning with a temperature of 102 (I didn't), plus I work around hundreds of people in close quarters (I don’t),so this mask is for your protection, not mine. How about I take it off and we hug like old friends?" I stepped toward her and acted as if I was taking off my mask. She stepped back away from me and went across to the next row of cars. I followed her, she kept walking away, I chased her, she ran... She fell down. I grabbed her foot. I pulled on her leg, just like I’m pulling yours.

[m25jet]

A teacher was teaching a large class of seven year old children on a Friday afternoon, and just before hometime she told the class "Right - for your homework I want you to find something really exciting to talk about that happened between now and Monday morning, then when we all come back again next week we're going to do a 'My News' session where each of you will get to come up to the front of the class, one at a time, and tell the class about that exciting thing that happened."  And with that the bell rang and she let all of the kids out of class so that they could go home.

The following week, on the Monday morning, all of the kids filed back into the classroom, and after registration the teacher started the 'My News' session, although she was feeling a bit apprehensive about doing so as she knew that little Johnny had a tendency to come out with the kind of things that she'd rather he didn't say in front of the other children.  As a result she decided to leave him until last so that she could at least get a decent lesson over and done with before Johnny ended up saying anything that could spoil it.

One by one the kids all came up to the front of the class as their names were called and proceeded to tell the class about something exciting that had happened.  Eventually it got to the point where only littte Johnny hadn't actually been called up to the front of the class, so the teacher said, "OK, Johnny, could you please come up to the front of the class and tell everybody about your news?"

And with that little Johnny got up from his seat and walked up to the front of the class, picked up a whiteboard marker from the teacher's desk and wrote the words "A Period" on the whiteboard.  Once he'd done that he then started to make his way back to his seat.

"Err, Johnny" said the teacher.  "Would you mind explaining what this is supposed to be about?"

"It says 'A Period', Miss" said Johnny.

"Well, yes, I know that" replied the teacher.  "I can read.  But you were asked to find something exciting to talk about with the class.  What's so exciting about a period?"

And with that little Johnny shrugged his shoulders and replied "Well, I'm damned if I know, Miss, but on Friday night my twelve year old sister came home from school and said she'd missed a period, then Daddy had a heart attack, Mummy fainted and the man next door shot himself!"