JOKES

[tommy.irene]

LETS START 2014 OF WITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

[john.b74]

Nice touch by the Nigerian football team after their defeat by England on Saturday,
The players were so upset with the result that they have promised to refund all expenses to the fans who travelled to support them,

All they need do is send their bank details, sort code and pin number and they will transfer the money straight to them.

[john.b74]

The little Johnny is lying in bed, busting to go to the toilet.

So he gets out of bed, runs downstairs into the living room, and finds his mother chatting to a bunch of her friends.

“MUM,” the Little Johnny yells at the top of his voice,

“I GOTTA **bleep**! I GOTTA **bleep**!”

Well, needless to say, the mother is mortified at her son’s language in front of her guests and scolds the young boy.

“Johnny, we do NOT shout that kind of language in front of mummy’s guests! Next time, just whisper, okay?”

The little boy nods sheepishly.

His mum takes him to the bathroom and tucks him back into bed.

The next night, little Johnny is busting to go to the toilet again.

So he gets out of bed, runs downstairs into the living room, and there is his mother, having a glass of wine with her friends.

“Mum! I gotta whisper, I gotta whisper!”

Mum excuses herself and takes Johnny to the bathroom, smiling at her son’s innocent mistake, but relieved that he was at least more discreet than last time.

She takes Johnny back upstairs and tucks him into bed.

“Well done, sweetie,” she says, kissing him goodnight, “that was much more polite.”

A few nights go by, and lo and behold, the little Johnny is busting to go to the toilet again.

So he gets out of bed, runs downstairs into the living room, and there is his dad watching TV.

“Dad!” Johnny says softly,

“I gotta whisper, I gotta whisper!”

“Aw, is that so, little buddy?” says dad, his eyes fixed on the television.

“Come on over here and whisper in daddy’s ear.”

[john.b74]

I was sitting on a bench in the park next to a homeless man, I asked him how he ended up this way.He said: Up until Last week, I still had it all!!! A cook, cooked my meals, my room was cleaned, my clothes were washed, pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV, internet, I went to the gym, the pool, the library, I could still go to school.
I asked him, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?
Oh No, nothing like that he said. No, no ... I got out of prison!

[john.b74]

My boss Cee-Dee is someone who has two tickets for the final of Euro 2016 but he didn't realised it will be on the day of his wedding so he can't go... If you are interested and want to go instead of him :
It's at the St Andrews church in Brighton the girl is called Sarah.

[cee-dee]

A young chap on a walking holiday in Ireland was out on a wild country road when it began to look like rain. He wondered if he should go on, or go back?

Fortunately he came across old Tommy digging peat and asked him how long it would take to get to the next village.

Old Tommy didn't speak or even look at the chap, so, reshouldering his knapsack, he went on his way.

He had only gone a few yards further along the road when old Tommy hailed him to come back.

"It will take you twenty minutes" he said, with a nod.

"Thanks, but why did you not tell me that before?" asked the chap.

"Because then" Tommy replied, "I didn't know how fast you could walk"

[cee-dee]

Tommy was a Guarda and was quite strict. One day he saw a car that only slowed at a stop sign so he chased after it and stoped it.

"You didn't stop at the stop sign" Tommy says "so give me your name and produce your licence and insurance please, you're getting a ticket for that."

"I slowed, there was no-one coming so what's the harm?"

"The Law is that you stop at a stop sign and that's that, now, what's your naame and produce your documents."

"Look, I'm a Barrister, there's no difference between stopping or slowing in those circumstances."

"Oh really, well I can show you the difference between slowing and stopping."

"You can't. I could argue that point in Court and I'd win." said the Barrister

"You have to come to a complete stop at a stop sign, slowing isn't stopping." Tommy argued.

"If you can show me the Legal difference between slowing and stopping, I'll give you my name and documents, if not, you let me go without a tcket."

"OK sir, step out of the car."

The Barrister obliged and Tommy began to beat him with his baton "Now which would you like sir, me to slow down or stop?"

[john.b74]

Cucumbers... I didn't know this...& to think all these years I've
only been making salads with the cucumbers...

WHAT A LITTLE GEM THE CUCUMBER IS. I WILL LOOK
AT IT DIFFERENTLY NOW.

1.
Cucumbers contain most of the vitamins you need every day, just one cucumber contains Vitamin B1, Vitamin B2, Vitamin B3, Vitamin B5, Vitamin B6, Folic Acid, Vitamin C, Calcium, Iron, Magnesium, Phosphorus, Potassium and Zinc.

2. Feeling tired in the afternoon, put down the caffeinated soda and pick up a cucumber. Cucumbers are a good source of B vitamins and Carbohydrates that can provide that quick pick-me-up that can last for hours.

3. Tired of your bathroom mirror fogging up after a shower? Try rubbing a cucumber slice along the mirror, it will eliminate the fog and provide a soothing, spa-like fragrance.

4. Are grubs and slugs ruining your planting beds? Place a few slices in a small pie tin and your garden will be free of pests all season long. The chemicals in the cucumber react with the aluminum to give
off a scent undetectable to humans but drive garden pests crazy and make them flee the area.

5. Looking for a fast and easy way to remove cellulite before going out or to the pool? Try rubbing a slice or two of cucumbers along your problem area for a
Few minutes, the phytochemicals in the cucumber cause the collagen in your skin to tighten, firming up the outer layer and reducing the visibility of cellulite. Works great on wrinkles too!!!

6. Want to avoid a hangover or terrible headache? Eat a few cucumber slices before going to bed and wake up refreshed and headache free. Cucumbers contain enough sugar, B vitamins and electrolytes to replenish essential nutrients the body lost, keeping everything in equilibrium, avoiding both a hangover and headache!!

7. Looking to fight off that afternoon or evening snacking binge? Cucumbers
have been used for centuries and often used by European trappers, traders and explores for quick meals to thwart off starvation.

8. Have an important meeting or job interview and you realize that you don't have enough time to polish your shoes? Rub a freshly cut cucumber over the shoe, its chemicals will provide a quick and durable shine that not only looks
great but also repels water.

9. Out of WD 40 and need to fix a squeaky hinge? Take a cucumber slice and rub it along the problematic hinge, and voila, the squeak is gone!

10.Stressed out and don't have time for massage, facial or visit to the spa? Cut up an entire cucumber and place it in a boiling pot of water, the chemicals and nutrients from the cucumber will react with the boiling water and be released in the steam, creating a soothing, relaxing aroma that has been shown the reduce stress in new mothers and college students during final exams.

11. Just finish a business lunch and realize you don't have gum or mints? Take a slice of cucumber and press it to the roof of your mouth with your tongue for 30 seconds to eliminate bad breath, the phytochemicals will kill the bacteria in your mouth responsible for causing bad breath.

12. Looking for a 'green' way to clean your faucets, sinks or stainless steel? Take a slice of cucumber and rub it on the surface you want to clean, not only will it remove years of tarnish and bring back the
shine, but is won't leave streaks and won't harm you fingers or fingernails while you clean.

13. Using a pen and made a mistake? Take the outside of the cucumber and slowly use it to erase the pen writing, also works great on crayons and markers that the kids have used to decorate the walls!!

Pass this along to everybody you know who is looking for better and safer ways to solve life's everyday problems

[john.b74]

An old man and his wife went to the doctor for a check up.
While the man is with the doctor, the doctor asked him

'So how has life been treating you'

The old man replies
'The Lord's been good to me. Every night when I go to the bathroom, he turns the light on and when I'm finished, he turns the light off'

When his wife meets with the doctor, the doctor told her what her husband said. She replied.
'Damn it! the old fart's been pissing in the icebox again!

[john.b74]

Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married:

Merry Christmas to you and please don't worry. I'm just fine considering that I can't breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. I've sent along my last ten pounds in this card, which I hope you'll spend on my grandchildren. God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies.

Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me -- we buried Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral so Aunt Viola and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would have invited you but I know that woman you live with would have never let you come. I bet she's never even watched that videotape of my hemorrhoid surgery, has she?

Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane beating off muggers last week, but don't you worry about me. I'm also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the frost on my bed numbs the constant pain. Now don't you even think about sending any more money because I know you need it for those expensive family holidays you take every year. Give my love to my darling grandchildren and my regards to whatever-her-name-is -- the one with the black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom.

Merry Christmas.

Love, Mom

[john.b74]

My girlfriend just walked out of the kitchen, looked at me and said, "I'm afraid that you need to get a new dish washer."

I said to myself, "That's a strange way to break up with someone!!

[john.b74]

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.

On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.

Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.

Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? Get off the children's Merry-Go-Round, you're **bleep**ed...

[cee-dee]

Tommy was having pains in his knees so went to the doctor.

After examining him the doctor said "You've got kneeitis, it's caused by too much bending of the knees. I suggest you avoid climbing the stairs because it puts a terrible strain on the knees".

A month later, Tommy went bck to the doctor who examinied him again and told him that he'd recovered.

"Can I climb the stairs now?" Tommy asked.

"Certainly" the doctor replied.

"Phew, thank goodness" Tommy replied "I was getting fed up with climbing the drainpipe every time I needed to go to the bathroom."

[john.b74]

Biker John stopped at a local Gas Station/Convenient Store in West Virginia, and after filling his tank, paid the bill and bought a soft drink.
He stood by his Harley to drink his Fountain Drink.
Watched a couple of Men working along the roadside.
One Man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on.
The other Man came along behind him and filled in the hole.
While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the hole.
The Men worked right past Biker John and went on down the road.
"I can't stand this," said Biker John tossing the empty Fountain Drink into a trash container and headed down the road toward the Men.
"Hold it, hold it," he said to the Men.
"Can you tell me what's going on here with all this digging and refilling?"
"Well, we work for the City Dept. and we're just doing our job," one of the Men said.
"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up!!
You're not accomplishing anything.
Aren't you wasting the Taxpayers' money?"
"You don't understand, Mister," one of the Men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow.
"Normally there's three of us, Me, Elmer, and Leroy.
I dig the hole, Elmer sticks in the tree, and Leroy here puts the dirt back.
You see with the City Dept. sequestering, they are not buying any more trees so Elmer's job's been cut.
So now it's just me an' Leroy...

[john.b74]

A man placed some flowers on the grave of

his dearly departed mother and started back

toward his car when his attention was

diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound

intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you

have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir,

I don't wish to intrude on your private

grief, but this demonstration of pain is more

than I've ever seen before. For whom do you

mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself,

then replied, "My wife's first husband.

[john.b74]

A woman three months pregnant falls into a deep coma. Six months later, she awakes and asks the nearest doctor about the fate of her baby.

"You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine," says the doctor. "Luckily, your brother named them for you."

"Oh **bleep**, not by brother! He's an idiot! What did he call the girl?"

"Denise," the doctor replies.

Thinking that isn't so bad, she asks, "And what did he call the boy?"

The doctor answers, "Denephew."

[john.b74]

Daily News comes this story of a Walsall couple who drove their car to Asda, only to have their car break down in the car park. The
husband told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis.
Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into=2 0glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The RAC mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead

[john.b74]

A delightful, angelic little boy was waiting for his mom outside the ladies’ room of the gas station.
A man approached him and asked, “Sonny, can you tell me where the Post Office is?”
The little boy cheerily replied, “Sure, mister! Just go down this street two blocks and turn left. It’s on the right. You can’t miss it.”
The man thanked the boy kindly, complimented him on how bright he was, and said, “I’m the new pastor in town. If you and your mommy come to church on Sunday I’ll show you how to get to Heaven!”
The little boy replied with a chuckle, “You’re **bleep**ting me, right? You can’t even find the Post Office."

[john.b74]

A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up." Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, if he guessed correctly he would get his free sex. The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time." A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time, the proprietor said,"Sorry, it was 3, you were close, but no free sex this time." As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex." Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray, it ain't rigged, my wife won twice last week."

[john.b74]

A guy found a penguin and showed him to a policeman. The policeman said, "Take that penguin to the zoo, now." Next day the policeman sees the man with the penguin again. The policeman stops the guy and says, I told you yesterday to take the penguin to the Zoo, what on earth are you doing with the penguin in your truck again?" The guy says, "What is there to do? Yesterday I took him to the zoo and today I'm taking him to the movies."

[cee-dee]

Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in Kilkenny. At closing time the Guarda noticed Tommy leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. Tommy stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. 

  
After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, Tommy managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.   

 
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the flashers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. 

  
At last, when Tommy's was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The Guarda, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled Tomy over and administered a breathalyser test.  

To his amazement, the breathalyser indicated no evidence that Tommy had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the station. This breathalyser must be broken.'" 

  
"It ain't" said Tommy , truly proud of himself. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy!"