JOKES

[tommy.irene]

LETS START 2014 OF WITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

[john.b74]

They made an engaging looking couple in the swank restaurant: The man was handsome, graying and obviously well off; the woman was a joy to any eye – very young, ravishing and delectable.

As they each read their menus, the gentleman asked his date what she would like to eat.

She scanned the menu yet again, and said, “To begin, I’ll have two champagne cocktails, then a dozen oysters on the half shell and a tureen of turtle soup. As entrees I’ll have the filet of English sole followed by pheasant under glass, plus an a la carte order of asparagus tips. For dessert, just bring the cart.

Somewhat surprised not only by her appetite, but by the cost of all of this, he asked, “Tell me. Do you eat this well at home too?”

-“Well, no,” she admitted, “But no one at home wants to sleep with me.”

[john.b74]

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador .” Sod that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!”

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you’re obviously not listening.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist pigs. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloomin thing

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter’, who has stabbed six people in the village in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their picks nicked

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service

[john.b74]

A husband came home from work one evening and walked into the kitchen where his wife was cooking dinner.

He looked into the pots on the stove and smelled their content.

-“Is the Preacher coming for dinner,” he asked.

-“No, he isn’t,” his wife replied. “Why do you ask?”

-“Well, you’ve prepared a burnt offering. I just assumed something religious was going on.”

[john.b74]

http://www.healthyfoodhouse.com/spray-oil-will-never-see-mold/?utm_source=Wimp&utm_medium=Wimp&utm_c...

[john.b74]

URGENT:

JOB OFFER

I need 8 people to work in a large event, on the 29th, 30th and 31st of February !!!

8 Hours per day - £ 400.00 per day.

£ 1,200 for the 3 days.

Anyone available?

[john.b74]

A salesman telephoned a household, and a four-year-old answered.

Salesman: May I speak to your mother?

Child: She is not here.

Salesman: Well, is anyone else there?

Child: My sister.

Salesman: O.K., fine. May I speak to her?

Child: I guess so.

There was a long silence on the other phone. Then:

Child: Hello?

Salesman: It’s you. I thought you were going to call your sister.

Child: I did. The trouble is: I can’t get her out of the playpen.

[john.b74]

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when through a gap in the door he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere. Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move and lets his overalls fall down to his hips revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Grabbing both sides of his shirt he rips it apart to reveal his stained tee shirt underneath. With a final flourish he tears the tee shirt from his body and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay. Having seen enough Cletus rushes in and says "what the heck are you doing, Billy Bob" "Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob, "but me and the Ole lady been having trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

[john.b74]

Sexual Jealousy
A lot of people get jealous and possessive in relationships. They don’t like their partner talking with someone else, or hanging out with members of the opposite sex without them. Some people get even crazier. They get jealous about things that happened before they met their partner. They get jealous about things that might happen in the future. Hell, they get jealous about things that didn’t happen but could have happened.
Sexual jealousy is a waste of energy and toxic for your relationship.
It’s really simple: either you trust your partner or you don’t.
If you trust your partner, then shut your mouth. If you don’t trust your partner, do everyone a favor and dump them.
“Well, what if I trust them but they lie to me anyway?”
Then trust that one day you will find out. Dishonest people cannot hide their dishonesty forever. Eventually it will surface and be obvious. And on that day, dump them.
The worst part of sexual jealousy is that it drives your partner to commit the exact actions in which you’re trying to prevent them from doing in the first place. Imagine you’re dating somebody and this person is insanely jealous. Everything you do they accuse you of lying to them or sneaking around behind their back. Every person of the opposite sex you speak to they accuse you of flirting or freak out that you’re sleeping with 10 other people.
What’s stopping you from actually cheating then? I mean, you’re going to get yelled at whether you’re honest or not. Apparently they believe you’re a dishonest person anyway, so you may as well get the benefits from being dishonest, right? What’s stopping you from cheating? Not much.

[cee-dee]

Tommy was a bit overweight so his doctor put him on a diet.

"I want you to eat normally for two days," he tells him. "Then skip a day and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds."

When Tommy returned, he'd lost nearly four stone. "Why that's amazing," the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

Tommy nods. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger you mean?" Asks the doctor.

"No," Tommy replied "from skipping."

[cee-dee]

An English chap went to the races and while there he observed Father Tommy who went over to a horse and sprinkled it with holy water. The horse went on to win the race streaks ahead  of the rest of the field.

Then just before the next race he saw Father Tommy go over to another horse and sprinkle it with holy water and like the first horse it went on to win it's race so the English chap said to himself "If that priest sprinkles another horse with holy water I'm going to bet every penny I have on it."

Sure enough Father Tommy went over to another horse and sprinkled it with holy water so the English chap went to a bookie and bet every penny he had on this horse. 

Then the race started and the horse that Father Tommy sprinkled with holy water dropped dead about 100 yards after the start of the race and the English chap was devestated so he went over to the priest and said "What happened, the last two horses you sprinkled with holy water went on to  win their races, and this last one you sprinkled droped dead after only 100 yards, and I had put every penny I had on its nose, what are you  playing at?"

Father Tommy replied"You're a protestant aren't you?"

The Englishman admitted that he was, and said "But how do you know that?"

Father Tommy replied "Because  you don't know the difference between giving a blessing and  administering the last rights."

[john.b74]

Who Is an Alcoholic?
If you've done any three of these seven, you meet the criteria for alcohol-dependent:

•Drunk more or longer than you intended
•Been unable to stop or cut down
•Needed more alcohol to get the same effect
•Had withdrawal symptoms without it
•Spent an increasing amount of time drinking or recovering
•Neglected other activities due to drinking
•Continued to drink despite negative consequences
•About 5% of Americans currently meet the criteria, and more than 10% do at some time in their lives, according to the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism.
Source: The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders

[john.b74]

Some of these have been around before – but when you’re ‘older than dirt’ a touch of nostalgia is a welcome reprieve from the ‘modern’ world, and if you’re not – well…

-“Hey, Dad,” one of my kids asked the other day, “What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?”

-“We didn’t have fast food when I was growing up,” I informed him. “All the food was slow.”

-“C’mon, seriously. Where did you eat?”

-“It was a place called ‘at home,’ ” I explained. “Grandma cooked every day and when Grandpa got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn’t like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.”

By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn’t tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table. But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it.

Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis, set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card. In their later years, they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears AND Roebuck. Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. I guess he died.

My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we had never heard of soccer.

I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed (slow).

We didn’t have a television in our house until I was 11, but my grandparents had one before that. It was, of course, black and white, but they bought a piece of colored plastic to cover the screen. The top third was blue, like the sky, and the bottom third was green, like grass. The middle third was red. It was perfect for programs that had scenes of fire trucks riding across someone’s lawn on a sunny day. Some people had a lens taped to the front of the TV to make the picture look larger.

I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called “pizza pie.” When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It’s still the best pizza I ever had.

We didn’t have a car until I was 15. Before that, the only car in our family was my grandfather’s Ford. He called it a “machine.” I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn’t know weren’t already using the line.

Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was.

A bit of Nostalgia where we fondly remember the way life used to be lived.

All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers. I delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which I got to keep 2 cents. I had to get up at 4 AM every morning. On Saturday, I had to collect the 42 cents from my customers. My favorite customers were the ones who gave me 50 cents and told me to keep the change. My least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.

Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. Touching someone else’s tongue with yours was called French kissing and they didn’t do that in movies. I don’t know what they did in French movies. French movies were dirty and we weren’t allowed to see them.

Steam irons didn’t exist yet. Instead, Mom used to sprinkle water on the clothes with an old Royal Crown Cola bottle which had a cork with holes in it for the cap.

Gas was only $0.25 per gallon, and you got real service when you filled the tank. Head lights dimmer switches were on the floor, and radial tires were new.

Ice boxes had real ice in them. Lemonade was made from real lemons, too. Coca-Cola was an elixir. Drinking was outlawed.

If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren.

All just memories now.

How much do you remember?

[cee-dee]

"How much do you remember?"............... = Far too much.

[john.b74]

Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill. One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital. Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising". Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw ...mill.
A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw.
So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital..
Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.. The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising".
And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.
But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.
Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.
Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead." Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."
"No", says the nurse, "Someone put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated

[john.b74]

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. 'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.' 2. My mother taught me RELIGION. 'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.' 3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. 'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!' 4. My mother taught me LOGIC. ' Because I said so, that's why.' 5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. 'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.' 6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. 'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.' 7. My mother taught me IRONY. 'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.' 8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. 'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.' 9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. 'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!' 10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. 'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.' 11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. 'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.' 12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. 'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!' 13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. 'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.' 14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. 'Stop acting like your father!' 15. My mother taught me about ENVY. 'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.' 16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. 'Just wait until we get home.' 17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. 'You are going to get it when you get home!' 18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. 'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.' 19. My mother taught me ESP. 'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?' 20. My mother taught me HUMOR. 'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.' 21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. 'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.' 22. My mother taught me GENETICS. 'You're just like your father.' 23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. 'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?' 24. My mother taught me WISDOM. 'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.' 25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE. 'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!'

[john.b74]

.

Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.

First Bull: “I’ve been here five years. I’m not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows.”

Second Bull: “I’ve been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I’m keeping all my cows.”

Third Bull: “I’ve only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I’m keeping all 10 of my cows.”

Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they’ve ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.

First Bull: “I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend.”

Second Bull: “I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I’m certainly not looking for an argument.”

They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.

First Bull: “Son, don’t be foolish — let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it.”

Third Bull: “Hell, he can have all my cows. I’m just making sure he knows I’m a bull.”

[john.b74]

.

A woman goes into a pet shop, immediately spotting a large colorful parrot. The price tag is $50.00.

-“Why so little, Sir?” she asks.

The owner looks at her, says,

-“Look, Lady, I gotta tell ya – this bird used to live in a house of ill repute, so ta speak – and sometimes says some fairly vulgar stuff.”

The woman thinks about it, deciding she just has to have the bird anyway and takes it home, puts the bird cage in the living room waiting for it to say something. The bird slowly looks around the room, then at her and says,

-“New house, new madam.”

The woman is just shocked at the implication but thinks,

-“Gee, that’s not really so bad.”

Her two teenage daughters return from school and the bird sees them come in and says,

-“New house, new madam, new girls.”

They are a just a little bit offended – then begin to laugh about the situation. Moments later the woman’s husband, Keith, comes home from work.

The bird looks at him and says,

-“Hi, Keith.”

[john.b74]

A blonde is driving down the road. She notices that she is low on gas, so she stops at the gas station. While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she had locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, the blonde asks the attendant for a coat hanger so she can attempt to open the door herself. She goes outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant goes outside to see how the blonde is faring. The blonde outside of the car is moving the hanger around and around. Meanwhile, the blonde inside of the car is saying, "A little more to the left. A little more to the right ... "

[john.b74]

I've just been watching Family Fortunes and the question came up, "We asked 100 people what they would do if it started snowing?"
I thought "tell everyone on facebook" would have been the top answer.....................

The wife said she's not wanting much for Valentine's Day.

She said, "Just some chocolates and a few little surprises will do me."

Kinder Eggs it is then.

[john.b74]

A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception. His friends are jealous and one of them ask how he landed such a hot 23 year old blonde beauty?
"Simple"grins the millionaire "I faked my age". His friends are really amazed and ask him what age he told her?
"Well" he replied " I said I was 87!"