JOKES

[tommy.irene]

LETS START 2014 OF WITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

[john.b74]

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.

The rabbi told him he wouldn’t know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he’d stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.

The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, ‘Father, forgive me for I have sinned.’

The priest asks, ‘What did you do?’

The woman says, ‘I committed adultery.’

The priest says, ‘How many times?’

And the woman replies, ‘Three.’

Priest: ‘Say two Hail Mary’s, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more.’

A few minutes later a man enters the confessional.

He says, ‘Father forgive me for I have sinned.’

-‘What did you do?’

-‘I committed adultery.’

-‘How many times?’

-‘Three times.’

The priest says, ‘Say two Hail Mary’s, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.’

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he’s got it, so the priest leaves.

A few minutes later another woman enters and says, ‘Father, forgive me for I have sinned.’

The rabbi says, ‘What did you do?’

The woman replies, ‘I committed adultery.’

The rabbi, getting it off pat, says, ‘How many times?’

The woman replies, ‘Once.’

The rabbi said, ‘Go and do it two more times, we have a special this week, three for $5.’

[john.b74]

Spoiler

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked,

-“Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude…?”

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, “I guess you’d be eating alone.”

[cee-dee]

Mick decided to wallpaper the main bedroom and was wondering how many rolls of paper he needed. Knowing the pair of semis were exactly the same size, he had the bright idea of asking Tommy from next door how may rolls he bought when he papered his bedroom.

"Hey Tommy, how many rolls of paper did you buy when you papered your main bedroom?"

"Ah Mick, to be sure now I bought ten rolls."

Mick thanked Tommy so went off and bought ten rolls after choosing the pattern he liked best. He pressed on with the wallpapering and when he'd finished he'd got two rolls left over so went round to see Tommy.

"Hoi Tommy, I've just finished papering the bedroom but I had two rolls left over?"

Tommy replied "Dat's funny, so did I".

[john.b74]

What a morning……
8:00 I made a snowman.
8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn’t made a snow woman.
8:15 I made a snow woman.
8:17 The nanny of the neighbours complained about the voluptuous chest on the snow woman.
8:20 The gay couple living across the street complained that it could have been two snowmen instead.
8:25 The neighbours on the left, who are vegans, complained that the orange nose, a carrot, this needs to be something else because food is for eating and not to decorate a snowman and woman with.
8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31 The husband of Fatima wants the snow woman to wear a headscarf.
8:40 The Police arrives to see what’s going on.
8.42 I am told that the broomstick of the snowman needs to be removed because this could be being used as a striking weapon.
8:50 The Salafi jihadist militant group Islamic State made itself known as the snowman.
8:52 My phone is being seized and thoroughly checked while I being blindfolded and flown to the Police station in a helicopter.
9:00 I am asked if I have any accomplices.
Done with this!! I will never make a snowman, snow woman or snow whatever again. It’s too dangerous!!
I wish everybody a merry Christmas and a happy New Year.

[john.b74]

Two blondes find a mirror on the sidewalk.

The first blonde picks it up, looks into it and says, “Hey, I know this person! I’ve seen her somewhere before.”

The second blonde takes the mirror, looks into it and says, “Duh! Of course you have — that’s me!”

[john.b74]

http://thedailyquicky.com/the-greatest-ryan-air-complaint-letter-in-the-world-ever/

[john.b74]

A co-worker told Bob that his wife was being unfaithful every day at 1:30 in the afternoon with his best friend.

Worried and hurt, Bob ran home at 1:30 to see if this was true.

He came back to the office contented and relieved.

His co-worker asked him how it went.

-“Look,” said Bob. “Don’t start such terrible rumors! That guy isn’t my best friend… I don’t even know him.”

[cee-dee]

 Tommy is Irish and Bill is English. They go in to a bakery.

Bill whisks three mince pies into his pocket with lightning speed.

The baker doesn't notice.

Bill says to Tommy:-
"You see how clever we English are? You'll never beat that!"

Tommy says:-
"Watch this, an Irishman is always cleverer than an Englishman."

He says to the baker,
"Give me a mince pie, I can show you a magic trick!"

The baker gives him a mince pie which Tommy promptly eats.

Then he says to the baker:
"Give me another mince pie for my magic trick."

The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him.  Tommy eats that one too.

Then he says again:
"Give me one more mince pie... "

The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway. Tommy eats that one too.

Now the baker is really mad, and he yells:
"And where is your famous magic trick?"

Tommy says:-
"Look in the Englishman's pocket!"

[cee-dee]

Larry was English, Tommy was Irish and Angus was Scottish and they were discussing tea-drinking habits.

"I always stir my tea with my left hand," said Larry

"I always stir my tea with my right hand," said Angus.

"How about you?" the Irishman was asked.

"Oh me?" said Tommy, "I always use a spoon."

[john.b74]

Jimmy, “My wife and I are going to get a divorce”.

Tom was stunned. “Why? What happened, you two seem so happy together”

-“Well,” he said, “ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at all hours of the night and more. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music and how to invest in the stock market.”

“Are you a little bitter because she spent so much time trying to change you.” Tom probed.

-“Nah, I`m not bitter. Now that I`m so improved, she just isn`t good enough for me.”

[john.b74]

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE..

[john.b74]

The Boss who was on the 25th floor of the building called up one of his blonde clerks on the ground floor for an important file. Since it was rather urgent the Boss told the clerk it was an emergency and that she should hurry with the file.

After more than 30 minutes the blonde appears all tired and panting for breath. The Boss asks her why she was panting and what caused the huge delay. She replies, “Sir, when I went to the lift it said, ‘During an emergency please use the staircase’!!!”

[cee-dee]

Ooo ziss den?:-

[john.b74]

A woman received a call that her daughter was sick. She stopped by the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside. The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground.

She looked at it and said, “I don’t know how to use this.”

She bowed her head and asked God to send her HELP. Within a minute a beat up old motorcycle pulled up. A bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.

She said, “Yes, my daughter is sick. I’ve locked my keys in my car. I must get home. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?”

He said, “Sure.”

He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open.

She hugged the man and through tears said, “Thank You SO Much! You are a very nice man.”

The man replied, “Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out of PRISON yesterday, I was in prison for car theft.”

The woman hugged the man again sobbing, “Oh, thank you, God! You even sent me a Professional!”

[john.b74]

A girl brought home a man who was naked except for a loincloth. He had a painted face, feathered headgear and a spear in one hand.

-“Father I have married the type of man you always wanted me to marry.”

One look at his son-in-law and the father recoiled in horror.

-“I had asked you to marry a ‘Rich Doctor’ not a ‘Witch Doctor’!” he sputtered.

[cee-dee]

Tommy and Mick were out on News Years Eve and were discussing the happenings of the past year.

"I'll be glad to see the back of it" said Mick "what with the Christmas dinner going on fire and burning the house down."

"It burned for quite a while? Why did it take so long to put out?" Tommy asked.

"The firemen had all had a few and took ages to connect the hoses, some weren't connected properly and blew off wasting a lot of water from the fire engine and they took ages to get enough hoses down to the farm pond. They were all laughing and joking and then had a barbeque on the embers."

"Ah yes, embers" said Tommy "very appropriate what with the embers of a dying year."

"Years don't have embers yer silly old fool."

"They sure do" Tommy replied "Nov ember and Dec ember."

[john.b74]

At one local church, Joe was in charge of taking up the offerings.

One Sunday after the services, the priest counted the cash and found it was smaller than anticipated. So he questioned Joe. He told him that it did not seem enough for the size of the congregation. Joe said that he did not take any of the offerings.

The priest again questioned him and again he said that he did not take any of the offerings. So the priest said, “Get in the confessional,” which Joe did.

Then the priest asked him did you take any of the offering and this time he said, “I can’t hear you.”

Again the priest asked, “Joe did you take any of the offering?”

Again Joe answered, “I can’t hear you.”

This time the priest yelled, “JOE DID YOU TAKE ANY OF THE OFFERING?”

Again Joe answered, “I can’t hear you.”

By this time the priest was getting a little angry so he came out of the confessional and said, “Joe trade places with me and you can ask me a question.”

So they traded places and Joe asked, “I hear that you and my wife are having an affair, is that true?”

To which the priest answered, “By Golly you can’t hear in here.”

[john.b74]

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, “Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer.”

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.

However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, “Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer. That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: “That’s Strange!”

[john.b74]

SERIOUS WARNING!* On the 31st December around 11:59pm. Do not go outside your house for any reason if you do you will not come back until next year!
Please tell everyone!

[cee-dee]

Tommy met up with Murphy for the first time in many years and Murphy was shocked to see the change in Tommy.

"Tommy me old mate, I'm sorry to say it looks like you're growing old?"

Tommy replied "Well Murphy, I'm quite pleased really."

"You're pleased to be growing old? Why's that?" asked Murphy.

"Well" Tommy replied "I'd rather be growing old than the alternative."