JOKES

[tommy.irene]

LETS START 2014 OF WITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

[john.b74]

A son and father went to see a doctor since the father was getting very ill. The doctor told the father and son that the father was dying from cancer.

The father who was an Irishman turned to his son and said: “son, even on this gloomy day, it’s our tradition to drink to health as it is in death; so let’s go to the pub and celebrate my demise.”

Reluctantly, the son follows his father to the local pub. There, while enjoying their ale, the father sees some old friends and tells them he is dying from AIDS.

Shocked, the son turns to his father and says, “Father, it is not AIDS you are dying from it is cancer, why did you lie to those men?”

The father reply’s “Aye, my son, you are right; but I don’t want those guys sleeping with your mom when I’m gone.”

[cee-dee]

This is a long one:-

Tommy died and went to Heaven. 

Upon his arrival, a concerned St Peter met Tommy at the Pearly Gates. 'I'm sorry Tommy,' St Peter said, 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to hold an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden on Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's alright,' answered Tommy. 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'

'Just 3 Questions,' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked Tommy.

The first,' said St Peter, 'Is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?
The second is: How many seconds are there in a year?
The third is: What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?

Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So Tommy left and gave those three questions some considerable thought.  The following morning, St Peter called upon Tommy and asked if he had considered the questions, to which O'Toole replied, 'I have so too.

Question 1
'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

Tommy replied with a grin, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St. Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question. 

Question 2

'Well then Tommy, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'

Tommy immediately responded, 'Just the 12!'

'Only 12?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure Tommy?'
'Easy,' said Tommy, 'there's the second of January, the second of February right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at Tommy and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later St Peter returned to Tommy. 'I'll allow the answer to stand Tommy, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven.' 

Question 3
Now Tommy, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

Tommy replied, 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'
'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer, Tommy?'
'It's Andy.'
'Andy?'
'Yes, Andy,' confirmed Tommy.

This totally flabbergasted St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating over the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to Tommy, enquired, 'Tommy, how in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'

'Easy,' laughed Tommy, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his Billy boiled.'

And so Tommy entered Heaven...............................

[john.b74]

At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying,

-“We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41.”

So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would, in fact, be boarding from Gate 35. So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate.

Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again.

-“Thank you for participating in Delta’s physical fitness program.”

[cee-dee]

"Can I have some Irish sausages please?" Asked Tommy.  "I want to make a proper Irish hot-dog."

The shop assistant looked at him and enquired, 'Are you Irish?'

'If I asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or, if I asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked you for a Kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would you, eh? Would you?'

The assistant replied, 'Well...er.... no' .

'And if I asked you for some Bourbon whiskey, would you ask me if I was American? What about Danish bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?'

'Well, I probably wouldn't,' came the response.

Self-righteously, Tommy demanded, 'Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish, just because I asked for Irish Sausages?'

'Because this is a shoe shop', replied the assistant

[john.b74]

"ROB OF THE HOOD " How do we expect kids to listen to there parents when Tarzan lives half-naked , Cinderella comes home at midnight , Pinocchio lies all the time, Aladdin is the king of thieves, Batman drives at 200MPH , sleeping beauty is lazy, And snowwhite lives with 7 guys we should"nt be surprised when kids misbehave they get it from there story books ........

[cee-dee]

Brendan and Tommy were on holiday and looking for a place to go hunting, pulled into a farmer's yard in County Waterford. The driver, Brendan, went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt on the farmer's land.

The old farmer said, 'Sure you can hunt, but would you be doing me a favour? That old donkey standing over there is 20 years old and sick with cancer, but I don't have the heart to kill her. Would you do it for me?'

Brendan replied, 'Of course I will,' and strolled back to the car.

While walking back, however, Brendan decided to play a trick on Tommy. He got into the car and when asked if the farmer had said if it was alright, he said, 'No, we can't hunt here, but I'm going to teach that old fellow a lesson he won't forget.'

With that, he rolled down his window, stuck his gun out and shot the donkey. As he shouted, 'To be sure, that will teach him,' a second shot rang out from the passenger side and Tommy yelled, 'And me, begorrah, I got the cow.'

[john.b74]

Pharmacist to customer: “Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription ... Simply showing marriage certificate and wife’s picture is not enough."
A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman – “Which book has helped you most in your life?”
The woman replied, “My husband’s cheque book !!”
A prospective husband in a book store “Do you have a book called,’Husband – the Master of the House?’"
Sales girl: “Sir, fiction and comics are on the 1st floor!”
Someone asked an old man: “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife – darling, honey, luv. What’s the secret?"
Old man: “I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her."
Wife: I wish I was a newspaper - so I’d be in your hands all day.
Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper. So I could have a new one every day!
Husband to wife – “Today is a fine day."
Next day he says: “Today is a fine day.”
Again, next day, he says same thing – “Today is a fine day."
Finally, after a week, the wife can’t take it and asks her husband – “Since last week, you have been saying 'Today is a fine day.'" I am fed up. What’s the matter?”
Husband : Last week when we had an argument, you said, “I will leave you one fine day.” I was just trying to remind you ....

[john.b74]

.

[john.b74]

Received a phone call from BT, informing me that he was disconnecting me because of an unpaid bill.. He demanded payment immediately of £31.00 or it would be £ 118.00 to re-connect at a later date. The guy wasn't even fazed when I told him I was with Virgin Media, allegedly VM have to pay BT a percentage for line rental! I asked the guy's name - he gave me the very 'English' John Peacock with a very 'African' accent - & phone number -0800 0800 152. Obviously the fellow realized I didn't believe his story, so offered to demonstrate that he was from BT. I asked how & he told me to hang up & try phoning someone - he would disconnect my phone to prevent this. AND HE DID !! My phone was dead - no engaged tone, nothing - until he phoned me again. Very pleased with himself, he asked if that was enough proof that he was with BT. I asked how the payment was to be made & he said credit card, there & then. I said that I didn't know how he'd done it, but I had absolutely no intention of paying him, I didn't believe his name or that he worked for BT. He hung up. I dialed 1471 -number withheld I phoned his fictitious 0800 number - not recognized. So I phoned the police to let them know. I wasn't the first! It's only just started apparently, but it is escalating. Their advice was to let as many people as possible know of this scam. The fact that the phone does go off would probably convince some people it's real, so please make as many friends & family aware of this. How is it done? This is good but not that clever. He gave the wrong number - it should have been 0800 800 152 which takes you through to BT Business. The cutting off of the line is very simple, he stays on the line with the mute button on and you can't dial out - but he can hear you trying. (This is because the person who initiates a call is the one to terminate it). When you stop trying he cuts off and immediately calls back. You could almost be convinced! The sad thing is that it is so simple that it will certainly fool many. By the way this is not about getting the cash as this would not get past merchant services - it is all about getting the credit card details which include the security number, to be used for larger purchases.

[cee-dee]

Tommy was suffering from pains in his knees, so he visited the Doctor.

'You're suffering from a disease that we medical experts call "kneeitis", diagnosed Doctor Donaghue. 'Take it easy for a month or so and above all don't climb any stairs. That puts a terrible strain on the knees.'

A month later Tommy returned and after a brief examination was found to have recovered completely.

'Can I climb the stairs now Doctor?'

'Yes, no problem Tommy,' replied Donaghue.

'Thank Heavens,' uttered Tommy, 'I was getting a bit fed up with climbing up the drainpipe every time I wanted to go to the toilet.'

[john.b74]

AIDS WARNING!
SENIOR CITIZENS
ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!
HEARING AIDS
BAND AIDS
ROLL AIDS
WALKING AIDS
MEDICAL AIDS
GOVERNMENT AIDS
MOST OF ALL,
MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!
Not forgetting HIV
(Hair is Vanishing)

[john.b74]

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

-‘First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while drinking vintage champagne and eating foie gras. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector,’ says the coroner.

-‘Second body: Scotsman, 25, won £1,000 on the lottery, spent it all on whiskey. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.’

The inspector asks, ‘What of the third body?’

-‘Ah,’ says the coroner. ‘This is the most unusual one: Big Seamus Quinn from Donegal, 30, struck by lightning.’

-‘Why is he smiling then?’ enquires the inspector.

-‘He thought he was having his photo taken.’

[john.b74]

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL MY FRIENDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE
1930's 1940's, 50's, 60's and early 70's !
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, raw egg products, loads of bacon and processed meat, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer.
Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds , KFC, Subway or Nandos.
Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on the weekends, somehow we didn't starve to death!
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy Toffees, Gobstoppers, Bubble Gum and some bangers to blow up frogs with. We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of old prams and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and dens and played in river beds with matchbox cars.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo Wii , X-boxes, no video games at all, no 999 channels on SKY , no video/dvd films, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
Lawsuits from these accidents.
Only girls had pierced ears!
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns at Easter time...
We were given air guns and catapults for our 10th birthdays,
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!
Mum didn't have to go to work to help dad make ends meet!
RUGBY and CRICKET had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.. Imagine that!! Getting into the team was based on MERIT
Our teachers used to hit us with canes and gym shoes and bully's always ruled the playground at school.
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
Our parents didn't invent stupid names for their kids like 'Kiora' and 'Blade' and 'Ridge' and 'Vanilla'
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TODEAL WITH IT ALL !
And YOU are one of them!CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.
And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.
PS -The big type is because your eyes are not too good at your age anymore

[cee-dee]

Tommy was heading in to Mulligan's bar.

On the step outside he was accosted by a nun, Sister Marie, who said:-

"Surely a fine man like yourself is not going into this den of iniquity? Surely you're not going to waste your hard-earned cash on the devil's brew. Why don't you go home and feed and clothe your wife and children?"

"Hang on, Sister," spluttered Tommy. "How can you condemn alcohol out of hand? Surely it's wrong to form such a rash judgement when you've never tasted the stuff?"

"Very well," said Sister Marie. "I'll taste it just to prove my point. Obviously I can't go into the pub, so why don't you bring me some gin. Oh, and just to camouflage my intent, bring it in a cup not a glass!"

"OK," said Tommy and went into the bar.

"I'll have a large gin," he said to the barman. "And can you put it in a cup?"

"My God," said the barman, "that nun's not hanging around outside again is she?"

[john.b74]

Years of smoking finally caught up with my friend John one morning when he keeled over at work, clutching his heart. He was rushed to a hospital and peppered with questions.

-“Do you smoke?” asked a paramedic.

-“No,” John whispered. “I quit.”

-“That’s good. When did you quit?”

-“Around 9:30 this morning.”

[cee-dee]

Mick and Tommy are walking along when Mick falls down a manhole.

Tommy shouts down: "What shall I do?"

Mick shouts back: "Call me an ambulance!"

Tommy then jumps up and down shouting: "Mick is an ambulance, Mick is an ambulance."

[john.b74]

A bloke just knocked on Sam`s door and said
"do you know your dog has just chased after some women on a bike?"
he said "clear off my dog hasn't got a bike"

[cee-dee]

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses 500 euros on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Someone got's to tell Paddy's wife.. Who will it be?' 
 
They draw straws. Tommy picks the short one.. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. 
 
'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.' 
 
Tommy goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. 
 
Tommy declares, 'Your husband just lost 500 Euros, and is afraid to come home.' 
 
'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife... 
 
'I'll go tell him.' says Tommy.

[john.b74]

Benny had told all his friends about the delicious steak he'd eaten in the Delancey Street restaurant the day before. So next weekend, they decided to go down there and see if it was really as large and delicious as he said. But, much to their disappointment, the waiter brought them the tiniest steak they'd ever seen.
"See here, my good man," Benny said, "I was in this restaurant just last weekend, and you served me a big, juicy steak, and now today, when I've organized a party and highly recommended this place, you serve such a small one."
"Yes, sir," replied the waiter, "last week you must have been sitting by the window

[john.b74]

OMG !! I was in the public toilets and had just sat down, a voice from the next cubicle said "Hi !, how are you ?" Embarrassed, I said, "I'm doing fine". The voice said "So what are you up to ?". I said, "Just doing the same as you, sitting here !" From next door, "Can I come over?". Annoyed, I said " rather busy right now". The voice said, "Listen, I will have to call you back, there's an idiot next door answering all my questions".