JOKES

[tommy.irene]

LETS START 2014 OF WITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

[tommy.irene]

1001 Snipe...  Thats 3 in a row..

[tommy.irene]

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought... He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers. -She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

[tommy.irene]

I went to the supermarket today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes. When I came out there was a cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Dick headed cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires! So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so ugly. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on until he had placed 5 tickets on the winshield... the more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

[tommy.irene]

Be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas, some of us have been lucky not to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the various social activities over the years. A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and then topped it off with a margarita. Not a good idea.Knowing full well I was at least slightly over the limit, I did something I’ve never done before – I took a taxi home. Sure enough, I passed a police roadblock, but because it was a taxi, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise. I have never driven a taxi before and I am not sure where I got it

[tommy.irene]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said "you have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night. He returned around 2:30am, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!

[tommy.irene]

I came home from work last night and told my wife that I've been given a huge promotion at work which means I get my own office and I get to employ my own private secretary."Well, you'd better hire someone who's a bit old , and ugly," she said, "I don't want you choosing someone who you're going to be tempted to have sex with.""That's fair enough," I replied, "When can you start?"....

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

A man goes to a doctor, twitching his fingers and stuttering, finally manages to say, "Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?” "Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore!" says the doctor, "They just came out with this new wonder drug that does the trick! You take the pill and your problems are history.” The doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry way. A couple of days later, the doctor runs into his patient on the street. "Doctor, Doctor!" yells the man excitedly, "I've got to thank you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful! I've had sex fourteen times in eight days!” "Well, I'm glad to hear that" says the pleased doctor, "What does your wife think about it?" "Wife?" asks the man, "I haven't been home yet!"

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

Does Santa really live in the north pole? Lets look at the evidence. 1. Wears red and white 2. Good at breaking into houses 3. Has loads of electrical goods that nobody can trace 4. Drives an unlicensed vehicle 5. Only does one days work a year Lapland my Big toe ! Hes from Liverpool.

[cee-dee]

 Tommy, a lawyer had a dog and it was running round loose and it made a bee-line for a butchers shop and steals a joint of beef.

The butcher goes to Tommy's office and asks, "if a dog running loose steals a joint of beef from my shop, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" Tommy answers, "Absolutely."

"Then you owe me £10.50. Your dog was loose and stole a joint from me today."

Tommy, without a word, writes the butcher a cheque for £10.50.

Three days later the butcher opens the mail and finds a bill from Tommy  "£100 for legal consultation"

[tommy.irene]

“Hey Doc. What’s the news?” “I got bad news and even badder news.” “I’ll take the bad news first.” “You’re going to die in one day.” “Man that is bad news, what can be even badder than that???" “I was trying to reach you since yesterday.”

[tommy.irene]

Heard about the two blondes who were found starving and freezing to death at the drive inn? They thought closed for winter was a movie.

[tommy.irene]

Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?..................... A: Branch Manager.

[tommy.irene]

Heather: I noticed by this article that men become bald much more than women because of the intense activity of their brains. John: Yes, and I notice that women do not grow beards because of the intense activity of their chins!

[tommy.irene]

It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters. The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. He was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers. "Are you Mr. Johnson?" they asked? He admitted that he was. "Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence?" Again, the man admitted that was he. "And what did you do then," the troopers asked." The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed. "Where is your car now?" the troopers enquired. The man answered that it was in the garage. "May we see the car?" asked the troopers. The man answered, "Sure," and opened the garage. Inside the garage was the state troopers car.

[cee-dee]

Just up your street Tommy?

[tommy.irene]

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation... only this year I'm gonna do it different. The last few years, I been takin' your advice 'bout where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again." Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?" "I'm taking Earlene with me."

[tommy.irene]

I need some advice on what could be a life changing decision. I've suspected for some time now that my Mrs has been having an affair. The usual signs. Phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up. She started going out 'with the girls' a lot recently although when I ask which girls it is always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them". I always look out for her taxi coming home but she always walks down the drive although I can hear a car setting off. As if she has got out of the car round the corner. Why? Is it not a taxi? I once picked her mobile up just to see what time it was and she went beserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my Mrs. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her. I decided I was going to hide behind my car which would give me a view of the whole street so I could see which car she gets out of. It was whilst crouched behind my car that I noticed rust around my rear wheel arch. Should I take it into a body repair shop or should I buy some stuff from Halfords and try to repair it myself?

[tommy.irene]

John and Mary visit their pastor for marriage counseling. The pastor gets up and hugs Mary, and sits down. He gets up and hugs Mary a second, and third time, and then turns to John and says, "See that, John. Mary needs that EVERY DAY! " John replies, "Well, that's fine, Pastor. But I can't bring her over here except on Tuesdays and Thursdays. "