JOKES

[tommy.irene]

LETS START 2014 OF WITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

[tommy.irene]

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: "Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic." The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that." "There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays." The priest said: "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven." "Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question." "And what is that?" asked the priest. "Should I tell her the war is over?''

[tommy.irene]

An Antartian boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."

[cee-dee]

A man walks into a bar with a slab of tarmac under his arm.

He chooses a table, carefully puts the tarmac on one of the chairs and walks up to the bar.

"I'll have a pint of lager", he says to the barman before pointing to the tarmac "And one for the road".

[tommy.irene]

Andrew and Evan save up their money and decide to travel in a hot air balloon around the world. Several days into their trip Andrew says to Evan, "Aah, we're flying over France!" "How do you know that?" asks Evan. "Easy! You can see the Eiffel Tower from up here!" It's a few days later and, again, Andrew says to Evan, "We're above America now!" "How can you tell?" asks a puzzled Evan. "Well if you look just there you can see the Statue of Liberty!" On their last day Andrew looks over and says, "Today we're flying over Liverpool!" Evan looks as hard as he can but can see nothing on the ground that sticks out. Confused, he asks Andrew, "How the **bleep** can you know that?!" Andrew replies, "Because SOMEONE NICKED MY WATCH!"

[tommy.irene]

An Englishman & an Irishman are in the hospital laid side by side in different beds. The Englishman looks over at the Irishman and peels away his oxygen mask from his face. "I'm English..." Said the Englishman. The Irishman also takes away his mask and gasps, "Irish..." The Englishman slowly replies, "My name's David..." "Paddy..." Replies the Irishman. "Cancer..." Says the Englishman pointing to his chest. The Irishman who slowly turns his head and lifts away his oxygen mask replies,"Sagittarius..."

[tommy.irene]

A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same: "You can have mine."

[tommy.irene]

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later." "That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to." "Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted. "Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it." After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset." "Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?" "Under the wagon."

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

Paddy was walking down the street when he sees a sandwich on the pavement. He goes over & realizes there are wires sticking from it! He thinks to himself 'OMG Oi tink its a bomb!' So he runs to the phone box & rings the police. he says 'Oi was just walkin' down the street when I spotted this sandwich on the pavement. Then I realize its got wires sticking out of it' The officer on the other end is typing in details to the computer and asks 'Is it ticking?' Paddy thinks carefully for a few seconds then replies slowly ' No ... I tink its beef!'.........

[tommy.irene]

I couldn't find that thing that peels the potatoes and carrots so I ask the kids if they had seen it. Apparently she left me yesterday

[tommy.irene]

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan.

[tommy.irene]

The Best Assignment Ever. This Little Girl Is Going Places. The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess." "What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher. Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, "don't count your chickens before they're hatched." "That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?" Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands." Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

[tommy.irene]

A blonde was driving home and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to Kev the Panel Beater. Kev saw that she was a blonde and decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard and all the dents would pop out. The blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into the tail pipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder and still nothing happened. Her room mate, also a blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?" The blonde told her how Kev the panel beater had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Her blonde room mate rolled her eyes and said, "Hel-l-l-O-O-O-O! You need to wind up the windows first!

[tommy.irene]

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work. I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore. I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often. I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm. Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older. One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get! And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not!

[tommy.irene]

A couple, desperate to conceive a child, went to their priest and asked him to pray for them. "I'm going on a sabbatical to Rome," he replied, "and while I'm there, I'll light a candle for you." When the priest returned three years later, he went to the couple's house and found the wife pregnant, busily attending to two sets of twins. Elated, the priest asked her where her husband was so that he could congratulate him. "He's gone to Rome, to blow that candle out" came the harried reply.

[tommy.irene]

A man sat down and was seriously staring at the marriage certificate, after a long time his wife asked, “What are you looking for? He replied, “The expiration date.”

[tommy.irene]

Cannibals capture three men. The men are told that they will be skinned and eaten and then their skin will be used to make canoes. Then they are each given a final request. The first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible. His request is granted, and they poison him. The second man asks for paper and a pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his family. This request is granted, and after he writes his letter, they kill him saving his skin for their canoes. Now it is the third man's turn. He asks for a fork. The cannibals are confused, but it is his final request, so they give him a fork. As soon as he has the fork he begins stabbing himself all over and shouts, "To hell with your canoes!"

[tommy.irene]

Knock, Knock Who's there? Ketchup. Ketchup who? Ketchup to me if you can, I have your wallet.

[tommy.irene]

After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life, an old Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin.
In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks into it. Not ever having seen a mirror before, he remarked at the image staring back at him.
'How 'bout that! he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of my Fadder .'
He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishing, he would go there and look at it.
His wife began to get suspicious of his many trips to the shed. So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the mirror.
As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly **bleep** he's running around with.'

[tommy.irene]

Little Johnny comes downstairs crying. His mother asked, “What’s the matter now?” “Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with hammer,” said little Johnny through his tears. “That’s not so serious,” soothed his mother. “I know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn’t cry at something like that. Why didn’t you just laugh? “I did!” sobbed Johnny