JOKES

[tommy.irene]

LETS START 2014 OF WITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

[tommy.irene]

A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner. "Ok I want to buy a pet, but I don't want a boring normal pet, no cats, or dogs or budgies I want something different." The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede. "Really?" says the man "How much?" The owner informs him that the talking centipede is £50. Happy with the unusual offering the man pays the money and takes his new pet home. On getting home he lays the match box with the centipede in it on the table, opens it and says, "Hello Mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede says nothing. Figuring it must be tired from the journey he decides to leave it for an hour and try again later. An hour later he opens the match box and says "Hello Mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede again says nothing. Starting to get suspicious the man decides he will give it one more hour, and if the centipede doesn't talk he will take it back to the shop for a refund. An hour later the man opens the match box and says "Hello Mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede says "I heard you the first time you *bleep*! I'm putting my shoes on!"

[tommy.irene]

A skeleton walks down empty Main Street. Suddenly he sees another skeleton carrying a gravestone. "Hey, what are you doing?” the other skeleton answers "Just strolling", "Why do have the gravestone, buddy?", "Because I always want to have some ID”.

[merehazle]

Well... if anyone will know it will be Tommy?

It's mind boggling the fun we might have. I want to walk down oxford street, with a begging bowl exactly like this bloke.  We never did ask how it was done when we posted it some time ago.

I know he is a real man, not a cardboard cut out. And we would certainly have a HALF with him in our local, just for the laugh.  Anyway, if you know?  Report back promptly please.   There's a good joker  

  

[tommy.irene]

Paddy got a job as a road line-painter. He paints 5 miles on the first day, 2 miles on the second day and 1 on the third day. "You get worse and worse every day!" yelled his boss. "That is because the bucket gets further and further away every day." said Paddy.

[tommy.irene]

Two judges from a small county happen to be stopped for speeding on the same day. They agree that there's no point in calling the state Supreme Court for a visiting judge; they'll just go ahead and hear each other's case. The next morning, one judge takes the bench, the other sits at counsel table. The first judge admits he's guilty, and the second judge suspends the fine and court costs for him. They then switch places, the second judge pleads guilty as well, but the other judge fines him $200 plus all court costs. The second judge is exceedingly upset: "I suspended your fine and costs and you go and give me the maximum!" The first judge responds: "Well, look at the increase we've just had for this crime. SOMEBODY has to do something about it!

[tommy.irene]

There once was an old man who was about to die. He told his wife to put a bag of money in the attic "When I die I'll get it on my way up." chuckled the old man. Well when the old man died the wife went up to the attic and found that the bag of money was still there. "I knew I should have put that money in the cellar!" said the old woman.

[al**bear]

[tommy.irene]

There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local corner market. The owner didn't know what Johnny's problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him. They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and John would always take the nickel - they said, because it was bigger. One day after John grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?" Slowly, Johny turned toward the store owner and a big grin appeared on his face and Johnny said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I have saved $20!

[tommy.irene]

Job Interview Question You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus: 1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die. 2. An old friend who once saved your life. 3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about. Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again. The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams." Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

[tommy.irene]

A lady buys some new furniture at Ikea. She reads the instructions and builds the wardrobe. As soon as it’s built she a bus passes by and the wardrobe falls into pieces. The lady tries again and 5 minutes later another bus passes by and the wardrobe falls into pieces. The lady is furious and calls Ikea. Ikea tell her that they will send a worker to build it. When the worker arrives he builds the wardrobe and says: "Ok, I’m going to my next client." To which the lady says: "NO! Wait! You"ll see, as soon as a bus comes by it will dismantle itself..." The man agrees to stay to wait for the bus. After a while the man says that he better get in the wardrobe to see where the problem is when the bus passes by, to which the lady agrees. 10 minutes later the husband arrives and say"s: "Ahh lovely honey you bought us a new wardrobe..." He opens it up and say"s: "SIR! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?" To which the worker replies: "I"m waiting for the bus!"

[tommy.irene]

There once was a "smart guy," a "not that smart guy," and an all round "not smart at all guy." They were going to cross the Sahara Desert. The "smart guy" says, "meet here in an hour with something useful to cross the desert with!" Later on an hour passes. The "smart guy" says I brought some ice packs to keep our heads cool, the "not so smart guy" says I brought a pail of water to keep us hydrated. The "not smart at all guy" says, "I brought a car door so I can roll the window down when it gets hot!"

[tommy.irene]

A teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his 1 to 10 well "Yes! Of course! My pop taught me...even more than 10" "Good. What comes after three?” "Four," answers the boy. "What comes after six?" "Seven." "Very good," says the teacher. "Your erm...dad did a good job. Now...so what comes after...lets say ten?" "A jack"

[tommy.irene]

One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy shop, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon. He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist. "Could you taste this for me, please?" The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it. "Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy. "No, not at all," says the chemist. "Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."

[tommy.irene]

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" " She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that gun...' "

[tommy.irene]

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. I welcome you into the family,” said the man. “To show you how much we care for you, I am making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory everyday and learn the operation.” The son-in-law interrupted. “I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise.” “I see.” replied the father-in-law, “Well, then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.” “I hate office work,” said the son-in-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk.” “Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just made you half owner of a money-making industry, but you don’t like factories, and won’t work in an office. What am I going to do with you?” “Easy,” said the son-in-law. “Buy me out.”

[tommy.irene]

Bubba and Johnny Ray, two good ole boys from North Carolina, were sitting' on the front porch drinking beer when a large truck hauling rolls and rolls of sod went by. "I'm gonna do that when I win the lottery," said Bubba. "Do what?" asked Johnny Ray. "Send my grass out to be mowed," answered Bubba.

[tommy.irene]

A big-shot businessman had to spend a couple of days in hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She walked into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!" She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?" After a pause, the doctor replied, "Yes, but .... never with a daffodil !!..

[tommy.irene]

A policeman sends his wife and kid to a resort for a vacation. After a week he joined them in the hotel. As soon as he came to the hotel room he wanted to make love to his wife and gave her "the look". Whispering under her breath, the wife says "No darling, we can't do it here, our kid is watching!" Husband replies, "You're right, lets go to the beach." After a while they make their way to the beach, they start to make love on an empty beach. All of a sudden, a policeman walks up to them. "Put your cloths on immediately, shame on you, you can't do that in public!" Embarrassed, the husband admits "You are right, but I had a moment of weakness. We hadn't seen each other for an entire week. Now, I'm a policeman too, and it would be very embarrassing if you fine me." The cop thought for a second and said "Don't worry... you are a colleague and it is your first time. But this is the third time I caught this woman making love on this beach in the last week and she will have to pay."

[tommy.irene]

"Hello?" W - "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" H - "Yes." W - "Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?" H - "What's the price?" W - "Only $1,500.00." H - "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..." W - "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2014 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price...and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..." H-"What price did he quote you?" W - "Only $60,000..." H - "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." W - "Great! But before we hang up, something else..." H - "What?" W - "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property." H - "How much are they asking?" W - "Only $450,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..." H - "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?" W - "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!" H - "Bye...I love u too..." The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

[tommy.irene]

One day at the end of class little Chris's teacher has the class go home and think of story and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand: "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket." Next is little Mary ... "well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched" ... teacher asks for the moral of the story... Lucy replies "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched" Last is little Chris ... "My Uncle Ed fought in the Vietnam war, his lane was shot down over enemy territory - he jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands." Teacher looks in shock at Chris and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story... Chris replies, "Don't mess with my Uncle."