JOKES

[tommy.irene]

LETS START 2014 OF WITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

[tommy.irene]

The name is Paddy and As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a
Funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless
Man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a
Pauper's cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar
With the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man,
I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently
Gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the
Diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the
Side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in
Place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.
I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept,
I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes
And started for my car.

Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,
"I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in
Septic tanks for twenty years."

[tommy.irene]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a **bleep** sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. 

The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.

"Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

[tommy.irene]

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his departed mother and started back for his car, parked on the cemetery road. His attention was diverted to a man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity, and kept repeating, "Why did you die? Why did you die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't want to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of hurt and pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? Your Child? A parent? Who, may I ask, lies in that grave?"
The mourner answered, "My wife's first husband! ... Why did you die? Why did you die?"

[tommy.irene]

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work
today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs
hurt, I no come work.' 

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really 
need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my 
wife and tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything 
better and I go to work.. You try that.' 



Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You 
say and I feel Great. I be at work soon.........You got 
nice house'

_______________

[tommy.irene]

A woman who died found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being greeted by St. Peter.
She asked him, "Oh, is this place what I really think it is? It's so beautiful.
Did I really make it to heaven?"
To which St. Peter replied, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one more thing before you can enter." The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do to pass through the gates. "Spell a word," St. Peter replied. "What word?" she asked.
"Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice." The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love.L-o-v-e."
St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he went to the bathroom.
"I'd be honored," she said, "but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?"
St. Peter reassured her, and instructed the woman to simply have any newcomers to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done.
So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair and watching the beautiful angels soaring around her when a man approaches the gates. She realizes it is her loser husband.
"What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?"
Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so drunk when I left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here? Did I really make it to Heaven?"
To which the woman replied, "Not yet. You must spell a word first."
"What word?" he asked.
The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia."

[tommy.irene]

A pretty blonde was ticketed in economy class for a flight from London to Sydney. A few minutes into the flight, she got out of her seat, found an empty seat in first class, and sat down.

The flight attendant came and said "Miss, I'm sorry, but you are ticketed for economy class, and I'm afraid you'll have have return to your designated seat".

The blonde retorts "I'm blonde, beautiful, and I'm flying first class to Sydney". "No", the flight attendant replied, "you cannot sit in first class, I'm sorry". 

After some arguing, the flight attendant entered the cockpit and said, "Captain, I have blonde woman from economy class who insists on sitting in first.. I can't seem to convince her to go back to her seat, can you help?".

Captain says, "Oh, no problem... my wife is blonde .. I speak blonde.. just a moment". 

The captain gets up and whispers in the blonde's ear. "Oh", she says, "I'm very sorry, I didn't know", and returns to her seat in economy class.

Captain returns to the cockpit, followed by the flight attendant. "Wow! What did you say to her?", the flight attendant asks.

"Oh, simple... I just told her first class isn't going to Sydney".

[tommy.irene]

WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE

Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul ,
Afghanistan , several years before the Afghan conflict.

She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind
their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now
seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'

The woman looked Ms Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation
said, “Land mines.”


Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak or where you go): BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN

__________________

[tommy.irene]

The Traffic Warden's funeral
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's funeral a voice from inside screams "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters
"Too late my friend, the paperwork's already done"

[tommy.irene]

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars. 
The storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale. 
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat." 
And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat. 
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish." 
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."

[tommy.irene]

A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage. 
He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip." 
The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. 
The usher looks at the quarter, leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."

[merehazle]

---

A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage. 
He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip." 
The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. 
The usher looks at the quarter, leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."

---

He was in this place BEFORE he entered the theater......

[tommy.irene]

Pest Control 

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company.. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. 

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. 

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.. 

'Who are you?' he asked him.. 

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator. 

'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied. 

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband. 

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little pigs.

[m25jet]

A teacher in a primary school was teaching a class of seven year old kids and during the Religious Education lesson she said to the class "Well, I've told you quite a bit about Jesus in this lesson, so I want to see what you can tell me about Jesus.  First question:  Where do you think Jesus is?"

And with that a load of hands all shot up and so the teacher pointed to a small girl in the corner and said "Okay Sally - where is Jesus?"

"Jesus is in Heaven, Miss." said Sally, to which the teacher replied "And can you tell me why you think he's in Heaven?"

"Well Miss" said Sally "You told us that Jesus died on the cross, and if you're good then once you're dead you get to Heaven, so Jesus is in Heaven."

"Okay, thanks Sally" said the teacher. "Let's have somebody else's opinion.  Philip, where do you think Jesus is?"

"Jesus is in your mind, Miss" said Philip.

"And why do you say that?" asked the teacher, to which Philip replied "Well, if you believe in Jesus you've obviously made your mind up that Jesus exists, so Jesus is in your mind."

"Okay, thanks Philip" said the teacher. "Claire - where do you think Jesus is?"

"Jesus is in your heart Miss" said Claire.

"And your reason for saying that is?" promted the teacher, to which Claire responded "Well, you told us that Jesus is all about love, and love comes from the heart, so Jesus is in your heart."

"Okay, thanks Claire" said the teacher.  "We're going to have one more opinion on this question and then we'll move onto the next question.  Who hasn't said anything so far...Johnny?  What about you?  Where do you think Jesus is?"

"Jesus is in the toilet, Miss" said Johnny.

The teacher looked at Johnny rather quizzically and said "You think Jesus is in the toilet?  What on Earth makes you say that?", to which Johnny replied, "Well, I was getting ready for school this morning and when I came out of my bedroom Daddy was banging his fists on the bathroom door and he was yelling at the top of his voice, "Jesus Christ, are you still in there?"

[tommy.irene]

Selling at an auction was halted when the auctioneer announced, “Someone in the room has lost his wallet containing £2,000. He is offering a reward of £500.00 for its immediate return.” After a moment of silence, there was a call from the back of the room, “£550.00”

[m25jet]

It was a Friday afternoon and the teacher in a class of seven year olds noticed that it was almost home time so she turned to the class and she said to the kids, "Okay children, for your homework I want you to find something really exciting that happened at the weekend, then when you come back in on Monday morning I want you to come up to the front of the class and tell everybody about it during your 'My News' spot."  And shortly after that the school bell rang, and the kids all shot out of the class, eager to get out of school and make their way home.

On Monday morning all the kids came back into class and the teacher got ready for the 'My News' spot, but she was a bit worried about asking little Johnny for his news, as he was known to be a bit crude at times, so she decided to leave him until last so that she could have a decent lesson before he tried to spoil it.  One by one all the little kids came up to the front of the class, told the others their news and went back to their desk, until eventually only Johnny hadn't had his turn.  "Okay Johnny" said the teacher. "Would you like to come up to the front of the class and tell the other children your news?"

And with that Johnny got up, walked up to the front of the class, took a whiteboard marker from the teacher's desk and wrote the words "a period" on the whiteboard.  Then without a word, he placed the marker back on the desk and started to walk back to his desk.

"Hang on Johnny" said the teacher.  "What's that supposed to be about?"

"It says 'a period', Miss" said Johnny.

"Well, yes, I can see that" said the teacher "But I asked you to find something exciting to talk about that happened at the weekend and then tell everybody about it when you came in today.  What's so exciting about a period?"

And with that little Johnny shrugged and said "Well I'm damned if I know Miss, but on Friday night my twelve year old sister came home from school and said she'd missed a period, then Daddy had a heart attack, Mummy fainted, and the man next door shot himself..."

[tommy.irene]

I phoned the police station to tell them that a gang fight had broken out near the town hall.

"Thanks for letting us know," said the sergeant.

"I'll tell the lads to avoid it on their way back to the station."

[tommy.irene]

An Emergency Call Centre worker in London has been dismissed from her job, much to the dismay of colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with her treatment.

It seems a male caller dialled 999 from a mobile phone stating, "I am depressed and lying here on a railway track. I am waiting for the train to come so I can finally meet Allah."

Apparently "remain calm and stay on the line" was not considered to be an appropriate or correct response...

[m25jet]

A pub landlord had just closed up for the night and was busy clearing up the mess in the pub when all of a sudden he heard a knock at the door.  He opened the door to see a tramp standing in the doorway so he asked him what he wanted.

"Could I have a toothpick please?" asked the tramp.

The barman thinks this is a bit of an odd request but then thinks "Oh, what the hell - just give the old git a toothpick and get shot of him", so he gives the tramp a toothpick and closes the door, but five minutes later there's another knock at the door.  When he answers it there's another old vagrant there who also asks for a toothpick.  The landlord hands over a toothpick, closes the door and carries on clearing up, but barely five minutes has passed when there's another knock on the door.  This time there are a pair of vagrants at the door, both of whom are asking for a toothpick, so he gives them one each and slams the door in their faces, thoroughly fed up wiith the interruptions.  All goes well at first, but five minutes later there's yet another knock at the door and when the landlord answers it he sees another old tramp standing at the door.

"Let me guess" says the landlord. "You want a toothpick, right?"

"Er, no" says the tramp.  "Have you got a straw I could have please?"

The landlord gives the tramp a straw but as the tramp turns to leave the landlord asks him "I've had four other guys asking for toothpicks since I closed up tonight but you wanted a straw.  Why do you want a straw if the others all asked for toothpicks?"

And the tramp replied "Well, somebody threw up outside your pub about fifteen minutes ago but the best bits have all gone now..."

[tommy.irene]

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing? “The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize. “How?" asks the man, puzzled. “Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out standing in their field."

[merehazle]