JOKES

[tommy.irene]

LETS START 2014 OF WITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

[tommy.irene]

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the pearly gates.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and
family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say
about you?

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was the
greates doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful
husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our
children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies,
"I would like to hear them say... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

[*.*..lola..*.*]

[tommy.irene]

Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won £500,000. 

'You've done very well so far,' said, Chris Tarrant , the show's presenter, 'but for a million pounds you've only got one life-line left - phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question...... will you go for it?' 

'Sure,'said Mick,'I'll have a go!' 

Which of the following birds does not build its own nest? a) Sparrow, b) Thrush, c) Magpie, d)Cuckoo?'

'I haven't got a clue,' said Mick,'so I'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin .' 

Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him. 

' hell, Mick!' cried Paddy. 'Dat's simple......it's a cuckoo.' 

'Are you sure?' 

'I'm  sure.' 

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris , 'I'll go wit Cuckoo as me answer.' 

'Is that your final answer?' asked Chris 

'Dat it is, Sir.' 

There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, 'Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!' 

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink...'Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?' 

'Because he lives in a  clock!'

[tommy.irene]

Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.
Much to their relief she smiled and said: "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper."
Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said:
"First Question: Which tire was flat?"

[tommy.irene]

A man boarded an airplane at Coolangatta with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde, female crew member to take care of the box for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour.

Shortly before landing in Sydney, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs on the Gold Coast, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:
1. Men never learn.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most men think.

[tommy.irene]

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. 

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'

The priest replies, 'My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man sleeping around with Prostitutes and lack of a bath.'

The drunk muttered in response, 'well, I'll be damned' and returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. In the paper here it says that the Pope's got it.'

[5129frederick]

I had a strange dream the other night.  I dreampt my life had ended and at the base of the steps leading up to the Pearly Gates, one of the angels gave me a lump of chalk with which to write every sin I had committed on each step.  If I was still writing them as I reached the Gates of Heaven I'd be sent down.

Trembling I started writing of every filthy perversion I'd ever committed in my adult life.  Evil doers were indeed sent tumbling down the stairs screaming as they entered into eternal torment.  That was when I saw you, ashen faced, trembling like a leaf.

"You haven't, have you!"  You shook your head

":Worse!  Much, much worse - I've run out of chalk!"  

[tommy.irene]

Commandment 1 
Marriages are made in heaven.
But then again, so is thunder and lightning. 

Commandment 2 
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. 

Commandment 3 
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least a 100 grand! 

Commandment 4 
Married life is very frustrating.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen. 

Commandment 5 
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is. 

Commandment 6
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;
The trouble starts when they try to decide which one. 

Commandment 7 
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said . After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish. 

Commandment 8
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife. 

Commandment 9 
Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry.
That is why one treats the other like toxic waste. 

Commandment 10 
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

[tommy.irene]

An elderly gent was invited to an old friends home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen , the man leaned over to his host, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names'.

The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said, 'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old **bleep** what her name is.'

[tommy.irene]

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing, Mister! You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more! He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybodys birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too -- He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his widow."

[tommy.irene]

A wife comes home late one night,
arriving early from being out of town
and quietly opens the door to her
bedroom. From under the blanket she
sees four legs instead of two. She
reaches for a baseball bat and starts
hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen
to have a drink. As she enters, she sees
her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Hi, Darling", he says, "Your parents
have come to visit us, so l let them stay
in our bedroom."

[tommy.irene]

A rather old fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language, was planning a weeks holiday in Sydney with her husband, so she wrote to a particular camping ground and asked for a reservation.

She wanted to make sure that the camping ground was fully equipped, but didn't know quite how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself
to write the word "toilet" in her letter.

After much thought, she finally came up with the old fashioned term "Bathroom closet" but when she wrote it down, she still thought she was being too forward, so she started all over again, rewrote the letter, and referred to the bathroom closet as the B.C.

"Does the camping ground have it's own B.C." is what she wrote.

Well, the camping ground owner wasn't a bit old fashioned, and he just couldn't figure out what the old lady was talking about, so he showed the letter around a few of the campers and the only thing they could come up with was that B.C. stood for Baptist Church, so he wrote the following reply.

Dear Madam,

I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure of informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of our camping ground, and is capable of seating 250 people at one time.

I admit that it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of campers go there and many take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive nice and early and stay quite late.

The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that there is a special supper planned there to raise money to buy more seats so that everyone will be able to sit in comfort.

I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part, just that I am so busy most of the time.

As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort to go, especially in the cold weather. If you decide to come down to our camping ground perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you and introduce you to all the other folks.

Remember this is a very friendly community

[tommy.irene]

WIFE:
What would you do if i died? Would you get married again?
Husband: No...
Wife: Why not? Don't you like being married?
Husband: Of course i do.
Wife: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
Husband: Ok, ok, I'd get married again...
Wife: Would you live in our house with your new Wife...?
Husband: Yes, it's a great house.
Wife: Would you let her drive my car ?
Husband: Yes, its a new car, dear...
Wife: Would you give her my jewelry?
Husband: No.. I am sure she would want her own..
Wife: Would she wear my shoes..?
Husband: No, her size is '5'
Wife: --silence-
Husband: 'OOPs...!!!

[tommy.irene]

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, 
and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where 
I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Coke on the counter and 
discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

the car isn't washed

the bills aren't paid

there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter

the flowers don't have enough water,

there is still only 1 check in my check book,

I can't find the remote,

I can't find my glasses,

and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail......

[tommy.irene]

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes. 

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death. 

My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my 
girlfriend yet. 

A man walks into a bar & says "Ouch"

[tommy.irene]

If Nelson were to fight the Battle of Trafalgar in 2009... Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy." Hardy: "Aye, aye sir." Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?" Hardy: "Sorry sir, you'll have to read this." Nelson (reading aloud): "' England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledygook is this, Hardy?" Hardy: "Admiralty policy, sir. We're an equal opportunity employer now. We had the devil's own job getting ' England ' past the censors, lest it be considered racist." Nelson: "Gadzooks, hand me my pipe and tobacco." Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments." Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle." Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking." Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it - Full speed ahead." Hardy: "I think sir, you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water." Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please." Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir." Nelson: "What?" Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected." Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay." Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck, Sir." Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd." Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently-abled." Nelson: "Differently-abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card." Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency." Nelson: "Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons." Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?" Nelson: "I've never heard such rubbish. Break out the cannons and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy." Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral." Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!" Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There're a couple of  legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks." Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?" Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not." Nelson: "We're not?" Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation." Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil." Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report." Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King." Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life" Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?" Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment." Nelson: "What about sodomy?" Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir." Nelson: "In that case, kiss me. Hardy"

[tommy.irene]

RETIRED HUSBAND 

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. 
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. 
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:
Dear Mrs. Harris , 
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris , are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras": 
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking. 
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom. 
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. 
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layby. 
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged. 
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose. 
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were. 
11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme. 
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practised his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels. 
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!' 
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the foetal position and screamed 'OHNO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room? 
And last, but not least: 
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

[rose2008-2008]

[cee-dee]

Kathleen Murphy was standing vigil over her husband's death bed. As she held his hand, her warm tears ran silently down her face, splashed onto his face, and roused him from his slumber.

He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Kathleen, " he whispered.

"Hush, my love," she said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh, don't talk."

But he was insistent. "Kathleen," he said in his tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Kathleen. "It's all right. Everything's all right, go to sleep now."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Kathleen. I slept with your sister, your best friend, and your mother."

Kathleen mustered a pained smile and stroked his hand. "Hush now Tommy, don't torment yourself. I know all about it. Why do you think I poisoned you?"

[tommy.irene]

Cannibals capture three men. The men are told that they will be skinned and eaten and then their skin will be used to make canoes. Then they are each given a final request. The first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible. His request is granted, and they poison him. The second man asks for paper and a pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his family. This request is granted, and after he writes his letter, they kill him saving his skin for their canoes. Now it is the third man's turn. He asks for a fork. The cannibals are confused, but it is his final request, so they give him a fork. As soon as he has the fork he begins stabbing himself all over and shouts, "To hell with your canoes!"