The Jokes Thread

[chris250chris250]

I`m fed up with the excuses women give to avoid having sex.................

I`ve got a headache........

I`m washing my hair.........

I`m tired........................

I`m your sister!

[shade-the-changing-man]

Decided to burn some calories off on the way to work this morning.  So I set fire to a fat kid.
:^O

[shade-the-changing-man]

Did you hear about the Irish SAS squad raiding the zoo?  They killed three gorillas and released all the ostriches.

[shade-the-changing-man]

An Indian builder has been killed in Mumbai whilst erecting a stage for a Lionel Richie concert.

His foreman said, "The last thing I saw before the stage collapsed was Dan Singh on the ceiling.
😛

[ladderrack-123]

Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.

Man discovered colours, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.

Man discovered speech, invented conversation. Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.

Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.

Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage.

Man discovered woman, invented sex.
Woman discovered sex, invented headache.

Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money, and it was a complete mess after that.

[shade-the-changing-man]

The latest Christmas toy has just hit the shops - a talking Muslim doll.  Only problem is, nobody knows what it says yet, because nobody has the balls to pull the cord.

[ladderrack-123]

Santa Claus isn't happy. Wikileaks have published his "naughty and nice" list.

[ladderrack-123]

Failed my Politics exam. The question was "Describe the role that India plays in the modern world".Apparently "Tech Support" is not the correct answer.

[whatsmarkodoing]

did any 1 see coronation street tonight ? poor rita ..not only did a tram fall on her but it was followed by several double  deckers

[**fuzzy**]

The day the penis asked for a pay rise

I, the Penis, hereby request a rise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labour.

I work at great depths.

I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,P. Niss

The response

Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely,V. Gina

[ladderrack-123]

sorry, i simply MUST take issue with the 'retire well before 65' bit in that joke.  It all revolves around having the right business partner 😉

[**fuzzy**]

Lol!

[ladderrack-123]

Took a dyslexic bird home last night, and she ended up cooking my sock!

blood transfusion the other day.All they had left was 2 pints of African blood, and 2 pints of Pakistaniblood.It's not as bad as it sounds I now have a 12 inch c*ck, and I am top of the housing list.

Blonde walks into a dry cleaners with a pair of trousers with white stains ,and hands them over to the assistant.As she is heading for the door the assistant says "Thank You, Come Again"Blonde replies "No, toothpaste this time".

[ladderrack-123]

They've had to cancel the panto 'jack & the beanstalk',in Birmingham,Oldham,Bradford,Burnley,Leicester & Luton:because the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen

[ladderrack-123]

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada. 

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.  
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".  
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose". 
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. 
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy. 
Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies "just in case". 
Canada doesn't have any alert levels. 
New Zealand has raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA". Due to continuing defence cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us". 
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

[**fuzzy**]

PMSL Dave!! Good one. :^O

The sweetness of married life!

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'

'Where are you going, Coochy Coo?' asked the wife.

'I'm going to the pub, Pretty Face,' he answered. I'm going to have a beer.'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 10 different countries: Germany , Holland , France, Japan , etc.

All that he could think of saying was,

'Yes, Lollipop... But at the bar... You know... They have frozen glasses.... '

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?'

She took a huge beer glass out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it. The husband, looking a bit pale, said,

'Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the pub on the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back.. I promise. OK?'

'You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: sausage rolls, chicken wings, savoury meatballs, spring rolls and mini quiches.

'But my sweet honey... At the pub.... You know there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'

'You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?

LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR FAT ARSE DOWN, SHUT THE F*CK UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN GLASS AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ARSE ISN'T GOING TO A F*CKING PUB! THAT SHIT IS OVER FROM NOW ON, GOT IT, YOU WANKER?'

And...

They lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story? MAKES MY EYES WELL UP, SUCH A HAPPY ENDING  ♥

[ladderrack-123]

 Three good ol' boys  died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. 'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.' The cowboy from Texas fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said. 'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said. The logger from Minnesota reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.' Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'. The old Wyoming rancher started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?' The rancher  replied, 'These are Carols.' And So The Christmas Season Begins......  

[**fuzzy**]

Lol!

[ladderrack-123]

Due to the current water shortage in Northern Ireland ,  Belfast  swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.Thank you.

[whatsmarkodoing]

pmsl

[repairexpert]

Sorry for the formatting; best I can do with this crappy system...

DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT  THINGS

Two guys were discussing  popular family trends on sex, marriage,  andFamily values.Bill said, 'I didn't  sleep with my wife before we got married, did  you?'Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what  was her maiden  name?

'___________________________________________

A little boy went up to his father  and asked: 'Dad, where did myIntelligence come  from?'The father replied. 'Well, son, you  must have got it from your mother,Cause I  still have  mine.'

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'Mr.  Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,'  the divorce CourtJudge said, 'And I've decided  to give your wife $775 a week,''That's  very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And  every now andThen I'll try to send her a few  bucks  myself.'

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A doctor examining a woman who had  been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the  husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks  of your wifeAt all.''Me neither doc,'  said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and  reallyGood with the  kids.'

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An  old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can  remove a curse he hasBeen living with for the  last 40 years.The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but  you will have to tell me the exact wordsThat  were used to put the curse on you.'The old  man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you  man and  wife.

'___________________________________________

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To  Solve A Redneck Murder:1. The DNA all  matches.2. There are no dental  records.

___________________________________________

A  blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you  tell me how long it'llTake to fly from    San Francisco   to   New York City    ?'The agent replies, 'Just a  minute.''Thank you,' the blonde says, and  hangs  up.

___________________________________________

Two Mexican detectives were  investigating the murder of Juan  Gonzalez.'How was he killed?' asked one  detective.'With a golf gun,' the other  detective replied.'A golf gun! What is a  golf gun?''I don't know. But it sure made  a hole in  Juan.'

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Moe :  'My wife got me to believe in  religion.'Joe: 'Really?'Moe :  'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in  Hell.'

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A man is recovering from surgery  when the Surgical Nurse appears andAsks him  how he is feeling.'I'm O. K. But I didn't  like the four letter-words the doctor used  inSurgery,' he answered.'What did he  say,' asked the  nurse.'Oops!'

___________________________________________

While  shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I  passed a display Of bathing suits. It had been  at least ten years and twenty pounds since I  had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I  sought my husband's Advice.'What do you  think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an  all-in-one?''Better get a bikini,' he  replied. 'You'd never get it all in  one.'He's still in intensive  care.

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The graveside service just barely  finished, when there was massive clapOf  thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of  lightning, accompanied by Even more thunder  rumbling in the distance...The little old  man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's There.'