The Jokes Thread

[chris250chris250]

I`m fed up with the excuses women give to avoid having sex.................

I`ve got a headache........

I`m washing my hair.........

I`m tired........................

I`m your sister!

[ladderrack-123]

I was concerned that my goldfish was epileptic, so I took it to the Vet. "Looks fine to me" he said. "But",  I said, "you haven't taken it out of the water yet!"

[mamarosie2010]

Subject: Inner Peace - this really works!  I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today,and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.   Some doctor on television this morning said that the way to achieveinner peace is to finish all the things you have started.     So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn'tfinished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off abottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle ofwum, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valumscriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a choclets.   Yu haf no idr how bludy guod I feel rite now.    Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee AR in ned ov iennr paece.

[**fuzzy**]

I posted a joke last night, but someone has deleted it. I read it after I posted it to check for mistakes, so I know I clicked 'post'. It has to  be a mod., so thanks very much to whoever it was. Good to know there's such a nice person in here  😐

[mamarosie2010]

:_|

post it again????

[ladderrack-123]

are you sure it posted, I just tried to delete my own post and it takes you to a choice page so it can't really be done by accident.  I'm sure theres nobody on here would have done it

[whatsmarkodoing]

i dont think any 1 would delete it Anne ...post it again plz ..the whole systeem has gremlins still i think i looked up someone and cant see em but i can go to them through the amount of feed back....contradictions or wot !

[repairexpert]

I don't think anyone here would delete a post Anne.

But I had a similar problem the other day, just an ebay glitch ended up not showing after posting, then it appeared twice when I tried to post it again. Useless system. 😞

[**fuzzy**]

Can't remember much of it now. One of the residents visitors told me it and I typed it in here when I got home a couple of hours later before I forgot and I have forgotten. Maybe big brother J is watching and didn't like it!

[**fuzzy**]

What's all this span crap ?:|

[mamarosie2010]

:^Oyou tell us,you posted it ;-):-x

[repairexpert]

Normally happens when you copy and paste something but it has a mind of it's own and can happen at any time. 😞

[ladderrack-123]

its the ebay group system having a joke at your expense lol.
the html bleeding through somehow

[shade-the-changing-man]

I went to the shop early this morning on the way to work and some bloke tried to attack me with some milk and cheese.  I thought to myself, "How very dairy!!"

[shade-the-changing-man]

A friend of mine just married a woman from Geneva. She can wash up with one hand, cook tea with the other, dust with one foot whilst sucking his cock as she opens a beer with her arse….

She’s a Swiss Army Wife.

[repairexpert]

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few holes.The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them."

[shade-the-changing-man]

My wifes sister sat on my glasses and broke them earlier. I was furious. Though To be fair it was my fault for leaving them on.

[repairexpert]

A couple drove their car to ASDA, only to have it break down in the car park. The husband told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis.

Unfortunately, although he was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones.   Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by watching. The AA mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

[ladderrack-123]

Santa Claus:- Wears red- Very good at breaking into houses- Somehow has loads of electrical goods, and nobody can explain where they came from- Drives an unlicensed vehicle- Only does one day's work a year. . . Anyone else think that he must be a scouser?

[ladderrack-123]

 Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in  Antarctica  - where do they go ?    
 Wonder no more ! ! ! It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.  The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life,   as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.   If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of  the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in  the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.     The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing: 
"Freeze a jollygoodfellow"                            
 "Freeze a jolly good fellow."                          
"Then they kick him in the ice hole."  

[repairexpert]

I love that one; duly passed on. 🙂