Ladies - is this familiar ?

[merc1_clocks]

When you have to visit a public loo, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern "seat covers"(invented by someone's Mum, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your bag on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mum would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume " The Stance."

In this position your aging, toneless(God I should have gone to the gym!!!)thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance".
To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser.In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday -the one that's still in your bag. (Oh yeah, the bag around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time).

That will have to do.You crumple it in thepuffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail. Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your bag,which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your bag topple backward against the tank of the toilet. "Occupied!" you scream,as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper -not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly,dear,"You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get".
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too

At this point, you give up.. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're e-x-h-a-u-s-t-e-d. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket! and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.
You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, .....so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.

You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this".

It answers the  commonly asked questions about why women go to the loo in pairs.It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your bag, and hand you a tissue under the door!

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[ed_blackadder_1]

Oh so familiar, many a time I have been heard in the loos at work at 4am (too early for them to have been cleaned) going, heeelllooo anyone there, then scuttling to the next toilet , trousers around my knees looking for toilet paper, no one comes when you are shouting, but someone always comes when you are walking from one toilet to the other.  Yikes

[stampingpat]

Ohhhhhhh Merc, that is definately sooooooooo familiar. LOL I have since learnt to take tissues with me everywhere I go.

[petitecalicocat]

Yep thats the reason i also carry tissues & hand sanitiser in my bag 🙂

[saasher2012]

That's so funny & so true! I nearly wet myself laughing. Thank you !you've turned a rotten day into a good one.

[stroppy*cow]

It is obvious that you lot have never encountered the perils that a wheelchair user faces trying to use most public toilets.

The first obstacle is finding a vacant toilet - so many places put the baby change table in the accessible loo, so the chances of finding it vacant are low. If the "facilities" are part of a larger area, there will be an outer door to be negotiated, or there will be a coridoor to go down that is barely wide enough and gives almost no turning room. I have been to places where the "accessible" toilet is up or down a step, or where it doubles as a storage cupboard.

Firstly there is the door - nearly all of them open outwards, so you have to manage to hang on to the door handle whilst wheeling yourself backwards whilst trying to ensure that you don't knock anyone over. Then once you have got the door open, you have to manage to hold the door open whilst manouvring your wheelchair through the doorway - far from easy with one hand. You have to somehow pull the door shut as you go, with your arm twisted awkwardly behind you. Once inside with the door shut there is very seldom sufficcient space to be able to turn the wheelchair, so you have to somehow reach behind you to attempt to lock the door.  You haven't got a hope of reaching any hook that may or may not be provided for your handbag, so you either manage to hang it on your wheelchair or park it in the wash handbasin.

You get the toilet seat wipes and loo roll from your bag and clean the seat.

Then you have to try to operate the drop-down rail on one side of the toilet - far from easy as you can't really get close enough as the leg/footrests of the chair hit the toilet and prevent you getting close enough. You then have to manage to stand and position yourself in the correct position ready to sit on the loo, taking extreme care as the floor is often wet, slippery and dirty. You hang on to the grab rail with one hand and try to hold yourself up whilst trying to pull knickers and trousers down with the other.

You hang on to the grab rails, and lower yourself into position - a nightmare if you are wearing a skirt or a frock as both hands are in use, so you don't have a free hand to hold the skirt out of the way. If wearing trousers you need to make sure that they don't fall too far as you don't want them touching the floor, and you need them to be in reach once you are finished.

Having manged to get on to the loo and have relieved yourself, you now have to manage to get stood up. The grab rails are never at the right height or where you actually need them, the toilet is often too low, but somehow you manage. You desperately hang on to a grab rail trying to hold yourself up with one hand whilst you try to pull your knickers and trousers into place with the other. Then you have to turn round and get yourself back in to your wheelchair.

To get at the wash hand basin you have to return the drop down hand rail to the up position. You then have the struggle to wash your hands - never a plug, so you have to press one tap whilst holding the other hand under the flowing water, then repeat with the other hand. The hand dryer rarely works, and even if it does, you have to take the brakes off your wheelchair and move it with dripping wet hands (it is no wonder that the floor is wet).

Then you do the contortionist act to unlock and unlatch the door. You then have two choices - shove the door as hard as you can and pray that you don't hit some some poor unsuspecting soul who is walking past, or you try to move the chair with one hand whilst trying to gradually push the door open.

Once you have got out, you then just have the last hurdle of trying to close the door.

You quickly learn that modesty and dignity are luxuries that you aren't going to experience much. Often the space provided is so inadequate, or the lock so impossible that you have no choice but to leave the door open.

I always make sure that I use the loo before leaving home, and if I am going to be out any length of time I often go "commando" as only having one garment to pull down and back up makes life a fraction easier.

[merc1_clocks]

 I'm so so sorry stroppy...I feel so bad now about my post

[stroppy*cow]

Oh No Merc, don't feel bad, your post made me smile.

[carolyorkie2010]

I always "hover" when in a public loo and always have tissues in my pocket, also hand sanitiser for when I've washed my hands but have to pull the door open on the way out; surprising how many women don't wash their hands and then go touch the loose fruit and  veg in a supermarket. Yuk! My Grandma always used to put toilet paper round the seat before using it.

[merc1_clocks]

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@stroppy*cow wrote:

Oh No Merc, don't feel bad, your post made me smile.

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 For stroppy...                    with love

[captainbovine]

I always used to wonder why my mother made a noise like a horse peeing when she went the public loo, then as I got older I realised she never sat down!!!!

Stroppy I've had a go at that disabled toilet myself since my hoof ops, and yes you are soooo right! it's a nightmare.

[chickengrandma-2008]

My daughter has a key to the disabled toilets.  I've only been in one but it was big enough to hold a party in!  

I never use public loos, only ones in pubs never the ones in the street!  

[guardpig]

Really giggled at the OP.

Try small boat ones, in rough weather:

Step one: Descend to cabin and try to take waterproof jacket off without the water going anywhere other than the floor(wet bunks are to be avoided) Measure length on floor you just dripped on..  Water proof jacket off means you can lower your waterproof trousers.

Step 2: enter the toilet compartment.  Door? this is a small boat.  Close door into saloon so you can access the hanholds. Lift toilet seat and find the last person emptied it completely.

Step 3: lower lid, one knee on lid, shoulder braced on bulk head, other leg braced on floor , one hand between pipes to cover blowhole(we've bought endless grommits but he loses them before repairing tube) and pump handle vigorously with the other hand.  Pick youself up from floor having banged chin on loo lid - the last visitor had dripped water on floor and it is slippy. Repeat if necessary

Step 4: Ensure rear end is facing toilet seat, brace head on roof and lower waterproof trousers, ordinary trousers, leggings and knicks. Switching to secure handholds commence lowering rear end to toilet seat.  Whoops, the boat rolled too suddenly, the floor is slippy, at least the wet locker is a soft landing.

Step 5: Back up to loo, wait for boat to roll to port, fall onto seat.  Then since these are very small toilet bowls one emptys ones bladder with speed whilst praying the boat doesn't roll suddenly but at least one is secure in the knowledge that the fit between bottom and seat is such that nothing actually excapes when it does roll!

Step 5  Attempt to use toilet roll to mop up oneself whilst holding on with at least one hand and wedging loo roll beneath your chin.

Step 6: Prise oneself off the toilet, slam lid down, turn through 180degs and repeat step 2

Step 7:  Brace head on roof. Hang on with one hand whilst wriggling ones underwear and leggings and trousers up.  Give up the attempt to tuck multiple shirts into waistbands.  Discover ones braces are underfoot and hit rear of head on toilet.

Step 8 Go back to saloon avoiding the puddles from ones jacket and put jacket back on.  Climb back into cockpit to be greeted with "What took you so long?" from an OH who really does know how to push his luck and who does not need to be a contortionist to have a wee!.

Step 9:  Ignore all future requests for cups of tea to be made as cups of tea will ensure being forced to repeat step  1 through 8.

[saasher2012]

Priceless ! lol.

[stroppy*cow]

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@guardpig wrote:

Really giggled at the OP.

Step 9:  Ignore all future requests for cups of tea to be made as cups of tea will ensure being forced to repeat step  1 through 8.

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Priceless - now I can really relate to step 9.

Would you beleive that I work for a disabled people's organisation, run by disabled people - so why is it that whenever I want to use the loo I have to go across town to use the accessible toilet at the local council offices as there isn't enough room to manouvre my wheelchair into the toilets at work.

[saasher2012]

You want to try hanging on to a very stroppy horse while your squatting behind a bush, joddies round your ankles etc& just at your most vulnerable being dragged out of your hiding place by the said animal, only to come face to face with ramblers, why oh why are joddies so tight, you just can't get em up quick with just one hand.

[rose2008-2008]

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh im crying with laughter this is so familiar....

When i was younger my mum and aunty used to make a to do about going into lavatories,,, putting squares of paper round the seats!!!!!,, never sitting on them,,, especially in the loos at the seaside which were not very nice in some places. You can never relax and go to the loo like you can at home,,, LOL LOL...

[lhasa.two]

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@stroppy*cow wrote:

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@guardpig wrote:

Really giggled at the OP.

Step 9:  Ignore all future requests for cups of tea to be made as cups of tea will ensure being forced to repeat step  1 through 8.

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Priceless - now I can really relate to step 9.

Would you beleive that I work for a disabled people's organisation, run by disabled people - so why is it that whenever I want to use the loo I have to go across town to use the accessible toilet at the local council offices as there isn't enough room to manouvre my wheelchair into the toilets at work.

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All these loos are designed by men who only have to unzip their fly!!!

Can we add to the list of difficulties of using loos to aircraft and trains... both a nightmare imo and heaven help you if you are larger than a size 10 

[stroppy*cow]

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@lhasa.one wrote:

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@stroppy*cow wrote:

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@guardpig wrote:

Really giggled at the OP.

Step 9:  Ignore all future requests for cups of tea to be made as cups of tea will ensure being forced to repeat step  1 through 8.

---

Priceless - now I can really relate to step 9.

Would you beleive that I work for a disabled people's organisation, run by disabled people - so why is it that whenever I want to use the loo I have to go across town to use the accessible toilet at the local council offices as there isn't enough room to manouvre my wheelchair into the toilets at work.

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All these loos are designed by men who only have to unzip their fly!!!

Can we add to the list of difficulties of using loos to aircraft and trains... both a nightmare imo and heaven help you if you are larger than a size 10 

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I have never used the toilet on a train. Once many, many years ago I was flying to Gibraltar with 2 samll children, one of whom is autistic and was under 2 at the time. I had stupidly dressed in a "jumpsuit". Had to use the loo, no way I could leave son with autism (daughter was fine), so had to take him with me. As I am MUCH larger than a size 10, just imagine the contortions of trying to get out of said jumpsuit whilst trying to hang on to small son. I never repeated that mistake!

It was actually quite an amusing flight, son was happy and no trouble if I let him wander up and down the aisle. He would go to the drinks trolley, take a tiny can of lemonade or cola (he could only reach the soft drinks), bring it and put it on my table, and go to fetch another. Before long I had a real collection. The stewardess just laughed and told me to keep them for the children.

Now the reason why I avoid flying on a commercial flight unless completely impossible - they take your wheelchair away and it is stowed in the hold. You need the loo - no "accessible" toilets on a plane. No matter how close your seat is to the toilet, there is no way that you can walk there, and no way that you can get your wheelchair. Maximum absorbancy incontinence pads are an absolute must. 

[duck_a_lorange]

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@stroppy*cow wrote:

Maximum absorbancy incontinence pads are an absolute must. 

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You would have been the only comfortable passenger on my last long-distance flight - 6 1/2 hours from Canada - when the crew confined passengers to their seats half an hour into the flight - for the rest of the flight - because of turbulence.  I was actually in the loo when the stewardess banged on the door - if I hadn't been so young and naive I would have done what I went there for before coming out.