Anybody know any good jokes or funny stories

Dont look at me I am useless at jokes.
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Anybody know any good jokes or funny stories

I was sat with my girlfriends dad as she was upstairs getting ready, when the embarrassing pictures made an appearance. "And here she is in the bath, she hates me showing this one." He just looked at me and said" Get out my house"
......................................................................................................................................................................................................... .................Im a 76 year old Nutcase.. TOMMY LOVES YOU ALL. .. I'm a committed atheist.
Message 41 of 64
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Anybody know any good jokes or funny stories

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jCIp7eo4MvY ..https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YKtlK7sn0JQ ... https://www.google.co.uk/#q=Ebay+song
......................................................................................................................................................................................................... .................Im a 76 year old Nutcase.. TOMMY LOVES YOU ALL. .. I'm a committed atheist.
Message 42 of 64
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Anybody know any good jokes or funny stories

A possessive and curious husband is always want to know his wife whereabouts. So he decides to call his wife to find out where his wife is. Husband: Where are you? Wife: At home, love. Husband: Are you sure? Wife: Yes. Husband: Could you turn on the blender? Wife: *blender on* Husband: Okay. Goodbye, love. The next day, the husband decides to call his wife to find out her whereabouts. Husband: Where are you, love? Wife: At home, love. Husband: Are you sure? Wife: Yes. Husband: Could you turn on the blender? Wife: *turns blender on* Husband: Okay. Goodbye, love. The next day, the husband decides to go home without notice and finds his son alone. So he asked him son whereabouts his mother. The son replies, I dont know, she went out with the blender!!.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................... .................Im a 76 year old Nutcase.. TOMMY LOVES YOU ALL. .. I'm a committed atheist.
Message 43 of 64
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Anybody know any good jokes or funny stories

During my physical examination, my doctor asked me about my Physical activity level.I described a typical day this way:"Well, Yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk, about 7km, through some Pretty rough terrain.I waded along the edge of a lake.I pushed my way Through brambles.I got sand in my shoes and my eyes.I avoided standing On a snake.I climbed several rocky hills.I took a few 'leaks' behind Some big trees.The mental stress of it all left me shattered.At the end Of it all I drank eight beers".Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!""No," I replied, "I'm just a bad golfer".
......................................................................................................................................................................................................... .................Im a 76 year old Nutcase.. TOMMY LOVES YOU ALL. .. I'm a committed atheist.
Message 44 of 64
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Anybody know any good jokes or funny stories

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?' Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'
......................................................................................................................................................................................................... .................Im a 76 year old Nutcase.. TOMMY LOVES YOU ALL. .. I'm a committed atheist.
Message 45 of 64
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Anybody know any good jokes or funny stories

First Christmas Joke Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. 'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.' The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said. 'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said. The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.' Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'. The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?' The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.' And So The Christmas Season Begins......
......................................................................................................................................................................................................... .................Im a 76 year old Nutcase.. TOMMY LOVES YOU ALL. .. I'm a committed atheist.
Message 46 of 64
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Anybody know any good jokes or funny stories

The Irish Wake......Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom; "of holding a wake". England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave.. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realised they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, "saved by the bell" or was "considered a dead ringer". And that's the truth.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................... .................Im a 76 year old Nutcase.. TOMMY LOVES YOU ALL. .. I'm a committed atheist.
Message 47 of 64
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Anybody know any good jokes or funny stories

Cal was out driving in the country, seeing how his new car handled the curvy roads at high speeds. As he rounded a corner, one of his tires blew. When he got out of the car to change the tire, he noticed that he had stopped in front of the state mental asylum. There was also a man sitting on the brick wall in front of the facility. The driver went about his business, not paying any attention to the guy on the fence. He first took his tire iron and jack out of the car, and got the car jacked up. Then, he removed the hubcap. Next, he removed the six lug nuts, and placed them in the hubcap for safekeeping. About this time, the guy on the fence decided to start a conversation. This startled the driver, and he reeled around quickly, knocking over the hubcap, and the lug nuts fell into the sewer drain. The driver gets angry with the guy on the fence, shouting, "Now look what you made me do. Now I'm going to have to walk to town to buy some new lug nuts. Just go back inside and leave me be." The guy on the fence says, "Why don't you just take one lug nut from each of your other three wheels, and use them on this one. That should hold it steady enough for you to drive the car to the auto parts store." The driver asks, "That's a brilliant idea...then why are you here?" The guy on the fence replies, "I'm just crazy, not stupid."
......................................................................................................................................................................................................... .................Im a 76 year old Nutcase.. TOMMY LOVES YOU ALL. .. I'm a committed atheist.
Message 48 of 64
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Anybody know any good jokes or funny stories

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 50 years. The wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the course on you.” The old man says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.”
......................................................................................................................................................................................................... .................Im a 76 year old Nutcase.. TOMMY LOVES YOU ALL. .. I'm a committed atheist.
Message 49 of 64
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Anybody know any good jokes or funny stories

On the door of the little village shop way out West in Southern Ireland, Tommy, a visitor noticed the sign DANGER! BEWARE OF THE DOG! Inside he saw a harmless old Airedale asleep on the floor besides the cash register.

He asked the shopkeeper, “Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?”

 

Yep, that’s him,” the shopkeeper replied.

Tommy could not help but be amused. “That certainly does not look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?”

Because,” the shopkeeper replied, “before I put up that sign, people kept tripping over him.”



It's life Jim, but not as WE know it.
Live long and prosper.

Message 50 of 64
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Anybody know any good jokes or funny stories

A couple was making their first doctors visit prior to the birth of their first child. After the exam, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife’s stomach with indelible ink. The man and his wife were curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the man took out his magnifying glass to try to see what is was. In very small letters, the stamp said, “When you can read this, come back and see me.”
......................................................................................................................................................................................................... .................Im a 76 year old Nutcase.. TOMMY LOVES YOU ALL. .. I'm a committed atheist.
Message 51 of 64
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Anybody know any good jokes or funny stories

A man and his dog were walking along a road...
The man was enjoying the walk, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead...
He remembered dying, and that the dog had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them...
After a while, they came to a high white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother of pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold...
He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"
"This is Heaven, sir", the man answered...
"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked...
"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up. The man gestured, and the gate began to open...
"Can my friend, gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveller asked...
"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going...
After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book...
"Excuse me!", he called to the reader. "Do you have any water?"
"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there." The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in."
"How about my friend here?" The traveller gestured to the dog...
"There should be a bowl by the pump."
They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveller filled the bowl and took a long drink himself then he gave some to the dog...
When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them...
"What do you call this place?" The traveller asked...
"This is Heaven," was the answer...
"Well, that's confusing," the traveller said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."
"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's Hell."
"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"
"No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen out the folks who'll leave their best friends behind."



It's life Jim, but not as WE know it.
Live long and prosper.

Message 52 of 64
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Anybody know any good jokes or funny stories

A monastery decided to start a fish and chips store. When the store opened, a client comes in, and asks one of the clerics: are you the fish fryer? Oh, no, the cleric answers, I'm the chip monk!
......................................................................................................................................................................................................... .................Im a 76 year old Nutcase.. TOMMY LOVES YOU ALL. .. I'm a committed atheist.
Message 53 of 64
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Anybody know any good jokes or funny stories

not a joke......... We  told the wee girl that scobby-doo was her cousin............. ba haahaa..... she cringes but laughs about it now

 

 

 

Message 54 of 64
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Anybody know any good jokes or funny stories

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into Tommy's garden.


He could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.
The dog went over to Tommy who patted and stroked him and the dog slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and Tommy let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted Tommy in his garden, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious after so long, Tommy pinned a note to his collar: "I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:-


"He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep.
Can I come with him tomorrow?"



It's life Jim, but not as WE know it.
Live long and prosper.

Message 55 of 64
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Anybody know any good jokes or funny stories

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. 'Want to have some fun?'" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship." "Thank you!" the woman responded. The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?" One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"
......................................................................................................................................................................................................... .................Im a 76 year old Nutcase.. TOMMY LOVES YOU ALL. .. I'm a committed atheist.
Message 56 of 64
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Anybody know any good jokes or funny stories

A preacher was walking down the street when he notices a little boy trying to ring the doorbell but it's just out of his reach. he watches his efforts for some time and walks over to press the the bell. After he pressed it he leveled down to the boy and asked' "Now what?" to which the boy turned and shouted, "NOW WE RUN!!"
......................................................................................................................................................................................................... .................Im a 76 year old Nutcase.. TOMMY LOVES YOU ALL. .. I'm a committed atheist.
Message 57 of 64
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Anybody know any good jokes or funny stories

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......................................................................................................................................................................................................... .................Im a 76 year old Nutcase.. TOMMY LOVES YOU ALL. .. I'm a committed atheist.
Message 58 of 64
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Anybody know any good jokes or funny stories

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next Twenty-four years telling them to sit down and shut up!
......................................................................................................................................................................................................... .................Im a 76 year old Nutcase.. TOMMY LOVES YOU ALL. .. I'm a committed atheist.
Message 59 of 64
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Anybody know any good jokes or funny stories

A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing farmer five dollars to pull him out with his tractor. After he was back on dry ground he said to the farmer, "At those prices, I should think you would be pulling people out of the mud night and day." "Can't", replied the farmer. "At night I haul water for the hole."
......................................................................................................................................................................................................... .................Im a 76 year old Nutcase.. TOMMY LOVES YOU ALL. .. I'm a committed atheist.
Message 60 of 64
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