An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on
board, but only 4 parachutes. The first passenger, Holly Madison
said, "I have my own reality show and I am the smartest and
prettiest woman at Playboy, so Americans don't want me to
die." She took the first pack and jumped out of the plane.
The second passenger, John McCain, said, "I'm a Senator, and a
decorated war hero from an elite Navy unit from the United
States of America ." So he grabbed the second pack and jumped.
The third passenger, Barack Obama said, "I am the President of
the United States and I am the smartest ever in the history of
our country, some even call me the 'Anointed One.'" So he
grabbed the pack next to him and jumped out.
The fourth passenger, Billy Graham said to the fifth
passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl , "I have lived a full life
and served my God the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let
you have the last parachute."
The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr. Graham. There's a
parachute left for you. America 's smartest President took
my school backpack."
Yesterday, my daughter again asked why I didn't do something useful with my time .
Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to be her favourite topic of conversation .
She was "only thinking of me ," and suggested I go down to the senior centre and hang out with the guys .
I did this , and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business .
I told her that I had joined a parachute club .
She said, "Are you nuts? You 're almost 81 years old , and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes ?"
I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card .
She said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses ! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club , not a Parachute Club ."
"I'm in trouble again, and I don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week," I told her. She fainted.
Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier , but sometimes it can be fun !
Seven retired Italian Floridian guys were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Guido loses $500 on a single-hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other six continue playing but standing up.
At the end of the game, Giovanni looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna' tell his wife?"
They cut the cards. Pasquale picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me!"
So, Pasquale goes over to Guido's condo and knocks on the door.
The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants?
Pasquale declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Pasquale.
